If Seinfeld covered the 2020 Election So Far

Kramer: Jerry, Bernie Sanders is leading a revolution! Ya gotta vote for him!

Jerry: No way! He's old and stale! And he's creepy! And he's done nothing for 30 years! It would be like voting for Uncle Leo!

*

Jerry: George, you only like Tulsi Gabbard because she's attractive.

George: No, no!

Elaine: (Nods, yes, yes)

Jerry: I think, yes, yes!

Elaine: George, she's trash.

George: She's not trash.

Jerry: Was she in the trash?

George: She was on top of the trash.

Jerry: Then she's trash.

*

Elaine: I like Beto O'Rourke. He's sponge-worthy.

(2 weeks later)

Elaine: I don't like what Beto said about supporting Tulsi. I'm switching to Mayor Pete.

Jerry: Pete Buttigieg? But he's gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Elaine: (Has a desperate look on her face)

Jerry: Wait... Oh my God, don't tell me! You're not thinking about... conversion?

Elaine: Jerry, I need a shortstop. Real bad.

(2 weeks later)

Elaine: Well, I should have stuck with my sisters. I'm voting for Elizabeth Warren.

Jerry: What about Kamala Harris? She's a woman and a person of color.

Elaine: Jerry, Warren is Native American.

(2 weeks later)

Elaine: Okay, K-Hive it is.

*

Jerry: I'm voting for Joe Biden.

Kenny Bania: Why? Go with Andrew Yang. He's gold, Jerry, gold.

Jerry: No. We need somebody who can beat Trump. Besides, Biden's a smart guy. And yet, he's a gaffe machine. And I'm a comedian.

*

Jerry, seeing the red MAGA hat coming: Hello, Newman.

Newman, seeing Jerry's Biden pin: Hello, Jerry. Still a beta snowflake cuck who can't get over 2016, I see.

Elaine: You know, Newman, Trump once grabbed me by the pussy. Back when only New Yorkers knew what a son of a bitch he is. That's why he talks like that now: I hit him so hard, it gave him brain damage.

*

Old Woman On Street: I'm not voting at all. It doesn't matter. They're all corrupt!

Jerry: Shut up, you old bag!

*

Jerry's closing monologue: I think everybody is voting for the person who makes them feel like they did when they were kids, and they had no responsibility, and had a President they thought was cool. Young Republicans see Trump as the 2003 and 2004 version of George W. Bush, taking names and kicking ass, and showing that it doesn't matter if the liberals say he's stupid.

Middle-aged Republicans, who grew up in the 1970s and '80s, see him as the new Ronald Reagan, cutting taxes, putting anti-abortion Judges on the Supreme Court, and standing up to America's enemies. Even though he's bending over backwards for Russia. And North Korea. And the Middle Eastern dictators.

Old Republicans, who grew up in the 1940s and '50s, see him as the new Dwight D. Eisenhower, always winning with a smile. Except Ike appointed Earl Warren as Chief Justice, sent the 101st Airborne to desegregate a school, and played less golf. And Trump looks like an idiot when he smiles.

Now, with the Democrats, Kamala Harris supporters and Cory Booker supporters tend to be young, so they're looking for the new Barack Obama. Elizabeth Warren voters are a little older, so they're looking for Bill Clinton, except someone who is a woman, rather than someone chasing women. Older Democrats, even though they might now be older than these guys, they're looking at Beto and Mayor Pete, because they see the new Jack or Bobby Kennedy.

The outlier is the Bernie Sanders voters. They come in all ages, so they were either there for the cool reforms of the 1960s, or they wish they were, and they see him as the guy who can finish the revolution. All he's gotta do is not have another heart attack, not crash into any more doors, or not drool. In other words, not be the end of the Administration of Woodrow Wilson. Because, let's face it: Jane Sanders is no Edith Wilson! Except for the hating black people part.