Class Is In Session

In the immortal words of Bruce Campbell, All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!

"Super Bowl" is one word, not two.

If you've previously said that you were boycotting the NFL, shut the hell up about how the TV networks cover Taylor Swift's appearances at the games.

It's okay to root for the Kansas City Chiefs to win the upcoming Super Bowl, because it will make right-wingers upset over Taylor Swift, who wants President Biden to be re-elected.

It's okay to root for the San Francisco 49ers to win the upcoming Super Bowl, because it will make right-wingers upset that "liberal" "coastal" "elite" San Francisco beat "conservative" "Middle America" Kansas City.

Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback who ever lived. There are a few other legitimate candidates. Tom Brady is not one of them, because he was a compulsive and unrepentant cheater.

The Mets have not surpassed the Yankees. Not in any way. They don't even have the better ballpark food. Maybe they had that at Shea, but not since they both opened new ballparks.

Golf is still not a sport. Nor is figure skating. Nor is auto racing.

The Honeymooners is the greatest sitcom of all time. M*A*S*H is a better show, but it's not a sitcom. The Sopranos had its moments, but the vulgarity, and I don't just mean the language, hurts it. The Office was not funny, in either version.

Robert Pattinson is a better Batman than Ben Affleck, and David Corinswet will be a better Superman than Henry Cavill, if for no other reason than Zack Snyder will not be involved.

Elon Musk has never invented a damn thing, and he is not a genius.

It's pork roll. Not Taylor ham. Says who? Says Taylor, the company that invented the stuff, and sells more of it than anybody. They call it pork roll, because it legally isn't ham.

Pizza tastes better by the water. New York City is practically surrounded by water. And in New Jersey, the pizza is better down the Shore.

There is no such thing as a chicken cheesesteak. A chicken sandwich with the things you might put on a cheesesteak might be very good, but the word "steak" implies beef. No beef, no steak.

New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Chicago and San Francisco are better places to live than Florida or Texas.

Evidence matters.

You don't get to call something a "crisis" if you're not willing to try to stop it until a President who belongs to your party takes office. Especially if the last President who belonged to your party already failed to stop it.

I don't care if you're the biggest pop star in the world, or a sitting U.S. Senator who recently suspended your campaign for President: Don't tell a man you love him unless you actually do.

Stop caring about what bathrooms people use, and just make sure you wash your hands. More kids get molested by clergymen than "trans" people, anyway.

The race of the cop matters less than the race of the arrestee.

The history of all the peoples of America is American history, whether you like them, or not; whether you accept it, or not.

Class dismissed.

January 6, 1994: Harding vs. Kerrigan

January 6, 1994, 30 years ago: Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan is attacked while preparing to compete in the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, at Cobo Hall (now named Huntington Place) in downtown Detroit. It starts one of the greatest "soap operas" in the history of sports -- if, that is, you consider figure skating to be a "sport."

In 1989, at the U.S. Championships, Tonya Harding finished 3rd. In 1990, Kerrigan finished 4th. In 1991, Harding won, while Kerrigan finished 3rd. In 1992, Kerrigan was 2nd, Harding 3rd. In the 1992 Winter Olympics in Albertville, France, Kerrigan finished 3rd for the Bronze Medal, Harding 4th. In 1993, Kerrigan won the U.S. Championship, and Harding was 4th.

In 1994, a Winter Olympic year -- the 1st time it was held in the even-numbered year between Summer Olympic years, instead of in the same year -- both Kerrigan and Harding really, really wanted to win. It could be said that Harding wanted to win in the worst way.

After a practice session, Kerrigan was hit on the right leg, right above the knee, with a police baton. The attack was not captured on video, but its aftermath was, with Kerrigan sitting on the floor holding her knee, surrounded by attendants, and crying out, "Why?" over and over. "Why?... Why?... Why?... "

The assailant was soon captured, and identified as Shane Stant. He was hired by Jeff Gillooly, Harding's ex-husband -- in other words, they were already divorced. I won't get into Harding's personal life here, but that's some dedication to an ex.

Kerrigan had to drop out of the tournament, and Harding won it, with Michelle Kwan finishing 2nd. But the other skaters petitioned the U.S. Figure Skating Association to allow Kerrigan on the team anyway. Since 2 spots were available, Kerrigan was named along with Harding, with Kwan as an alternate, with the very real possibility that Harding could be disqualified.

The media firestorm was intense, and it has since been labeled an event that, had it happened during the era of social media, would have "broken the Internet." It meant that the ladies singles figure skating competition at the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway would be among the most-watched sporting events in the history of American television, right up there with the most-watched Super Bowls, watched by more people than had ever watched a baseball game or a basketball game.

Harding had her own moment of tears when she had a problem with the laces on her skates, and could be heard begging for a re-skate: "Please!" She was awarded it, but she only finished 8th.

Say what you want about Tonya, but Karma can be a real bitch.

Kerrigan gave what she thought was the best performance of her life, and the American media, obviously wanting her to win, was nearly unanimous in its belief that she should have won the Gold Medal. She didn't: In a very close decision, the Gold Medal was awarded to Oksana Baiul of Ukraine. In other words: After all that, neither Kerrigan nor Harding won the Gold. No American did.

It looks as though gymnast McKayla Maroney,

born the next year, copied Nancy Kerrigan's facial expression.

But McKayla has an Olympic Gold Medal, while Nancy doesn't.

The fact that the final result of figure skating competitions is dependent upon judges, rather than tangible results like time, distance, or runs or points scored, is the reason I believe that, however athletic and artistic it might be, figure skating is not a sport.

Kerrigan and Harding both turned professional after the Olympics, but Kerrigan was in demand on the pro skating circuit, and Harding was not. The USFSA banned her for life.

Harding denied any involvement in the planning of the attack, but later pleaded guilty to conspiracy to hinder the prosecution. She served no jail time. Gilooly made a plea deal, ratting the others out, publicly apologized to Kerrigan, admitting that, "Any apology coming from me rings hollow," and served 2 years.

As of January 6, 2022, Kerrigan is 52 years old, married to her former manager, with 2 sons and a daughter. Harding, 51, is married for the 3rd time, and has a son with her 3rd husband. Baiul, 44, moved to the U.S. shortly after the Olympics, eventually settling in the suburbs of Philadelphia. She is married to her former manager, and has a daughter.

Harding competed on Celebrity Boxing, and did well; while Kerrigan, throwing all irony to the wind, competed on Dancing With the Stars, and was eliminated by the judges 7 weeks in. Baiul did ice shows until she needed to step aside due to a drinking problem, and became a fashion designer.

Although a native of the Boston area, and a Boston Red Sox fan -- she was invited to throw out the ceremonial first ball at Fenway Park for their 1994 home opener -- Nancy is not related to former Red Sox manager Joe Kerrigan. Harding is not related to 1920s President Warren Harding.

Figure skating remains the most-watched Winter Olympic sport on American television, ahead of hockey, although it has never again reached the heights of attention that it did in the Winter of 1994.