Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Tales of Christmas Past -- Music

These songs debuted in the years in question, but very few did so on a Christmas Day. When that has been the case, I have said so.

December 25, 1719, 300 years ago: "Joy to the World" debuts. Isaac Watts wrote the lyrics, and Georg Friedrich Händel wrote the melody.

In 1971, country singer and actor Hoyt Axton wrote a very different song titled "Joy to the World," and the band Three Dog Night took it to Number 1.


December 25, 1739, 280 years ago: "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" debuts. It was written by Charles Wesley, brother of John Wesley, founder of the Methodist Church, and both brothers were prolific composers of hymns.

Charles' original opening lines were, "Hark! how all the welkin rings / Glory to the King of Kings." Eventually, he changed this to, "Hark! the herald angels sing / Glory to the newborn King."

1741: Messiah is composed by George Frederic Handel. It premieres in Dublin, Ireland on April 13, 1742, and has its London premiere on March 23, 1743, at the Covent Garden Theatre (now the Royal Opera House).

Legend has it that when the "Hallelujah Chorus" was sung at the London premiere, King George II stood up, and everyone else stood out of respect. There was no record of this happening until 1756, and neither Handel (who died in 1759) nor the King (who died a year later) ever confirmed it. Regardless, it became a tradition for the audience to stand during its performance.

The "Hallelujah Chorus" has become connected with Christmas, due to its connection with Jesus. Except the Chorus, and indeed the entire oratorio, isn't about Christ's birth. It's about the end of the story: His persecution, death and resurrection.

December 25, 1744, 275 years ago: John Francis Wade debuts his carol, written in Latin: "Adeste Fidelis." In 1841, an English priest named Frederick Oakeley wrote English lyrics: "O Come, All Ye Faithful."

1760: "God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen" (or "God Rest Ye... ") debuts in print, with lyrics by James Nares, although the melody goes back to at least the 16th Century.

I've usually seen it, or thought I did, written as, "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen." But the comma is after "Merry": It doesn't mean, "Relax, gentlemen, God says it's okay to be merry"; it means, "Gentlemen, let God provide you with rest and merriment."

There is a gender-neutral version: "God Rest You Merry, People All," but it just doesn't sound right. 

1780: "The Twelve Days of Christmas" was first published in England. As someone pointed out to me, this is the "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" of Christmas songs.

The traditional 12 days run through January 5, when the Epiphany is celebrated. The song is believed to be French in origin, and is a cumulative song, with each verse being built on top of previous ones, like "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" and "There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea."

The gifts are usually the same in the various versions, but can be moved around. Usually, it's 2 turtle doves and 3 French hens, but early versions sometimes reversed this. The entertainers -- usually 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leaping and 9 ladies dancing -- are sometimes interchanged.

First of all, where did your true love get all that stuff? Second of all, where are you going to put it all? I wonder if George Carlin ever incorporated this song into his bit "A Place For My Stuff."

Originally, the gift on the 4th day of 4 birds were "colley" birds, meaning coal-colored, or black. Then, with a version published in 1909, they became "calling birds," and thus have they been ever since.

Up until a version published in 1966, the 5 rings were "gold," but have since been "golden." But, as recently as the 1979 TV special "John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together," Miss Piggy sang the line as "gold rings." Five golden rings? I can see getting 1, but 5? One for each finger on the hand? That doesn't make any sense, unless the singer is Elvis, Liberace, or Elton John. Or maybe Pink, or Pauley Perrette in character as Dr. Abby Sciuto of NCIS.

There's also a theory that "five gold rings" was originally "five goldspinks," another name for a five-ringed pheasant. If true, it would explain why 6 of the 1st 7 were game birds common to England, but 1 wasn't: Actually, all 7 were game birds, usable as food; while the 8th gift was the maids a-milking, also providing food; and the last 4 were all entertainers.

The value of the gifts is, I suppose, in the eye of the beholder, but on the 12th day after Christmas, between the partridge, the 2 doves, the 3 hens, the 4 calling birds, the 6 geese and the 7 swans, there's going to be a lot of bird poop to clean up. At least you'll have a lot of servants, but good luck getting the lords to quit a-leaping to do it. Eight maids a-milking? Maybe she already has 8 cows, but this is not specified in the song. Without cows, the milkmaids will have nothing to do.

Also, what's so special about a partridge, in that it's the centerpiece of the song? I looked it up: In Greek mythology, in a fit of jealous rage, Daedalus threw his nephew Perdix off a hill, and the gods turned him into the bird in question. Hence, a partridge makes his nest in a tree that's not too high off the ground, like a pear tree. In French, the bird is a "perdrix," pronounced "pair-DREE," which may have confused an Englishman.

1788: Robert Burns, Scotland's unofficial poet laureate, writes "Auld Lang Syne," in Scots Gaelic. Somehow, it got associated with Hogmanay, the Scottish version of New Year's Eve celebrations.

Starting in 1929, Guy Lombardo and his big band, the Royal Canadians, played it just after midnight, first over radio and then on television, on CBS from a major hotel in Midtown Manhattan: The Roosevelt Hotel until 1958, and then from 1959 until 1976 at the Waldorf Astoria. Lombardo died in 1977, but network broadcasts kept doing it, including The Tonight Show on NBC and Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve on ABC (even now, after Clark's own death).

But the song has nothing to do with Christmas. So why do we associate it with December 25 along with December 31/January 1? Probably because it was used at the end of the 1946 film It's a Wonderful Life. So, blame Frank Capra.

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December 25, 1818: "Silent Night" is first performed, at (appropriately enough) the Church of St. Nicholas in Oberndorf, a town outside Salzburg, on the Galzach River which separates Austria from Germany. (If you don't count Salzburg, today home to 145,000 people, as a major city, the closest one is Munich to the west, not Vienna to the east.)

Father Joseph Mohr (1792-1848) wrote the lyrics (in German: "Stille Nacht"), and Franz Gruber (1787-1863) composed the melody. That's Franz Gruber -- not Hans Gruber, the German terrorist played by Alan Rickman in Die Hard, a film that took place on Christmas Eve 1988.

The entire song suggests that it was quiet and peaceful at the Nativity. But the Gospels make no mention of whether Mary screamed over labor pains, or whether baby Jesus cried. The Rosary Prayer, the "Hail Mary," states, "Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb" -- suggesting that both "yon virgin mother and child" may have been granted holy exemptions to the usual pains each would suffer at birth.

In 1963, although Jewish, Phil Spector used it to close A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records, beginning it with a spoken-word thanks to his listeners, while all the perfomers "woo'ed" the song in the background.


1823: "The First Noël" makes its debut, written by Davies Gilbert.

1824: "O Tannenbaum" makes its debut, written by composer, organist and music teacher Ernst Anschütz in Leipzig, Germany. "Tannenbaum" means "fir tree," as most Christmas trees were at the time. By the dawn of the 20th Century, Americans had made it "O Christmas Tree."

Its melody has been turned into the State Song of Maryland, and the former State Songs of Florida, Michigan and Iowa. In 1988, the film Moon Over Parador used its music for the National Anthem of the titular fictional South American country.

1849: "It Came Upon the Midnight Clear" debuts, written by Edmund Sears, pastor of a Unitarian Church in the Boston suburb of Wayland, Massachusetts.

1853: "Good King Wenceslas" debuts, written by John Mason Neale, who took it from a 13th Century song. This song, while certainly telling of genuine Christian behavior on the part of its subject, has nothing to do with Christmas. In fact, it takes place the next day: December 26, in addition to Boxing Day in the British Commonwealth, is St. Stephen's Day, the anniversary of the death of an early Christian martyr, and thus his "feast day" -- hence, "Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen."

There was a real Wenceslas, not quite a king, but Duke of Bohemia, born 907, died 935, assassinated by his brother (and, judging by his nickname, his total opposite), Boleslav the Cruel. And Wenceslas, too, has been declared a Saint, and is the patron saint of Bohemia, which is now in the Czech Republic.

1857: The most familiar Christmas song of all debuts, even though its lyrics have nothing to do with Christmas, and it was originally intended for the earlier holiday of Thanksgiving. James Lord Pierpoint, of the Boston suburb of Medford, Massachusetts, published it under the title of "One Horse Open Sleigh" -- not "Shay," as my mother always told me was correct. By 1859, it was better known as "Jingle Bells."

Guess what: This song has nothing to do with Christmas! The lyrics make no mention of Christmas. Or Jesus, by any name or title: Christ, Lord, King, King of Kings, King of Israel, King of the Jews, King of the World, King of Heaven, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, Holy Child, Teacher, Rabbi, Wonderful Counselor... none of them.

Nor do the lyrics make any mention of presents, or a gathering family, or even Santa Claus and his entourage (Mrs. Claus, reindeer, elves, whoever else he's got up at the North Pole). "Jingle Bells" is about Winter. It has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. It could be sung at any time from December 1 through March 31.

In early 1966, ABC debuted the Batman TV show. By that year's Christmas, there were already the first variations that went, "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells." The standard version adds, "Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile just lost its wheel... " But then, there's a discrepancy. Some versions sing, "and the Joker got away." Others, to rhyme with "egg," make it, "and the Commissioner broke his leg."

Also debuting in 1857 is "We Three Kings," written by the Rev. John Henry Hopkins Jr., the rector of Christ Episcopal Church in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. He wrote it for a Christmas pageant in Manhattan.

The chorus contains the words, "Star of wonder, star of night." Great phrase, but there are no "stars of day." Yes, there is such a thing as "the morning star," but that's usually the planet Venus. There are people who believe that the Star of Bethlehem could only have been a "conjunction" of at least two planets (probably Venus and either Mars or Jupiter), looking like one big, very bright star. And, at the time of the birth of Christ, it might not have been known that these planets which looked like stars weren't actually stars. Even a king might not have known that.

Ah, but the "three kings" were never actually called kings in the Gospels. They were, however, called "wise men" in The Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 2. But even their number isn't divulged: It's presumed that there were 3, since there were 3 gifts that they presented: Gold, frankincense and myrrh. One man, one gift? That seems reasonable, but neither the Gospel nor the song specifically says that.

They have often been called scientists, astronomers or astrologers. If they were any of those things, they would have known what the Star of Bethlehem really was.

The song also says the kings are traversing "Field and fountain, moor and mountain." In this case, a "moor" is "an uncultivated hill land." But since one of the Three Kings is usually depicted as black, it might confuse people who know a "Moor" as a native of North Africa, such as the title character in Shakespeare's Othello.

December 25, 1862: Two of the most familiar Christmas songs debut. One is "Angels We Have Heard On High," written by James Chadwick, then Bishop of Hexam and Newcastle in the North-East of England.

The other is "Deck the Hall," which later became "Deck the Halls." The melody dates to 16th Century Wales, and was written in the Welsh language, Cyrmraeg. The English lyrics were written by Scottish musician Thomas Oliphant.

It includes the line, "Don we now our gay apparel." Once, this meant, "Let's all put on some bright clothing to commemorate this festive season." Now, it means, "Sweetheart, even Nicki Minaj wouldn't be caught dead wearing that!" I've gone on Twitter and asked a few people with rainbow flag icons in their bio if it's okay to still use the line. So far, all have said it is.

And I'm guessing "Troll the ancient Yuletide carol" means "Please sing an old Christmas song." It could be worse, I suppose: You could be calling a woman "Carol the ancient Yuletide troll!"

1864: "Up On the Housetop" debuts, written by Benjamin Hanby. The best-known version is by Gene Autry in 1953. The Jackson 5 also did a version that gets played on Yuletide radio.

"First comes the stocking of little Will. Oh, just see, what a glorious fill. Give him a hammer and lots of tacks. Also a ball, and a whip that cracks." Huh? Either Hanby just threw together a few words that rhyme, without thinking about how they would sound; or Santa has his priorities way out of whack; or little Will is into, uh, things that are too risqué to mention on Christmas. Maybe he's not so little.

December 25, 1865: William Chatterton Dix writes Christmas-themed lyrics to the familiar song "Greensleeves," turning it into "What Child Is This?"

This was also the Christmas season featuring the debut in published form of "Go Tell It On the Mountain," an African-American spiritual, included in a book of songs published by John Wesley Work Jr. (Work did not claim authorship for himself, which suggests that it predates his own lifetime.) His son, John Wesley Work III, was also a well-known black songwriter in his time. Neither, though, was related to a popular white folksinger and writer of the time, Henry Clay Work.

"Go Tell It On the Mountain" would also be the title of James Baldwin's 1st novel, published in 1953. The song would regain popularity in 1963, when it was recorded by Peter, Paul and Mary. Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel would include it on their all-acoustic 1st album in 1964, Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.


1868: "O Little Town of Bethlehem" debuts, written by Phillips Brooks, then rector of the Church of the Holy Trinity in Philadelphia. It includes the line, "The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight." Oh, really? Doesn't the Gospel have the angel saying to the shepherds, "Fear not"? Maybe the fears of all the years are dispelled in Bethlehem, but the point (or part of it) was that, with the birth of this child, there was less to fear.

1882: "Away in a Manger" debuts. Its composer is William J. Kirkpatrick.

1892: The Nutcracker Suite premieres at the Imperial Maliinsky Theatre in St. Petersburg, Russia on December 18. The ballet, with music by Pyotr Tchiakovsky and a libretto and choreography by Marius Petipa, tells a Christmastime story of little Clara Stahlbaum, her doll, and a prince cursed to live as a nutcracker.

"The March of the Toy Soldiers," "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," and "The Dance of the Reed Flutes" have all become part of the lexicon of Christmas music.

1897: "The Parade of the Wooden Soldiers" debuts, written by German composer Leon Jessel. In 1922, English lyrics were written for it by Ballard MacDonald. The Crystals sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records.

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1917: "The Bells of St. Mary's" debuts, written by Englishmen A. Emmett Adams and Douglas Furber. It is not about Christmas: The lyrics mention "red leaves," suggesting that it takes place in Autumn.

But in 1945, it was used as the title song from a Christmas-themed movie starring Bing Crosby as Father Chuck O’Malley (he'd won an Oscar in the role in the previous year's Going My Way) and Ingrid Bergman as Sister Mary Benedict, the most beautiful nun you'll ever see.

The original, Clyde McPhatter version of The Drifters sang it in 1954, and was included in the film Goodfellas. One of the acts that Phil Spector produced, Bob B. Soxx & the Blue Jeans (with Bobby Sheen singing lead), recorded it for Spector's 1963 album A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records.

1920: The one Christmas carol familiar in English but originating in Poland makes its English debut: "Infant Holy, Infant Lowly" ("W Żłobie Leży"). It dates back to the 13th Century, when Poland was what passed for a world power at the time, and was translated into English by Edith Margaret Gellibrand Reed, a British musician and playwright.

1929: Christophe Kenner (no middle name) is born in, appropriately enough, Kenner, Louisiana, outside New Orleans. Chris is best known for his 1961 hit "I Like It Like That." In 1962, he wrote and was the 1st person to record "Land of 1,000 Dances," later better-known by Wilson Pickett.

Unfortunately, in 1968, he was convicted of what would then have been quaintly called a morals charge against a teenage girl, and spent 3 years in prison. He drank himself to death in 1976.

1931: "Good Christian Men, Rejoice" debuts, written by Cyril Alington. Some have tried to make it gender-neutral, as "Good Christians All, Rejoice" or "Good Christian Friends, Rejoice." It's fairer, but it just... doesn't... sound right.

1934: Eddie Cantor debuts "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" on his radio show. The song was written by John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie. Versions by Gene Autry, Ray Charles, The Crystals (on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records), The Four Seasons, and Bruce Springsteen tend to get played during the holidays.

This is probably the most oft-cited "problematic Christmas song," because of the line, "He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake." Uh-oh, this makes Santa sound like something out of a George Orwell novel: "Big Brother is watching you."

Another song debuting this year is "Winter Wonderland," by Felix Bernard and Richard Bernhard Smith. Richard Himber had the 1st recording. Dean Martin's version is the best known, and Darlene Love sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records. But the song makes no mention of Christmas.

1935: On December 6: Arthur Warrell conducts the University of Bristol Madrigal Singers in a holiday concert at their University. In it, he includes a song that he has published under the title, "A Merry Christmas: West Country Traditional Song," but had never been published before, not even in the West Country of England, which includes the City of Bristol.

The 1st verse goes, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." This flies in the face of the traditional British holiday greeting, which is "Happy Christmas."

Starting in 1989, Hershey has used the song in a commercial, featuring Hershey's Kisses, in Christmas-themed red and green wrappers, simulating handbells.

The 2nd verse says, "Now, bring us some figgy pudding." I had heard the song all my life, but had never seen figgy pudding until November 23, 2016. On the way to spend Thanksgiving Weekend with my sister and her side of the family in Ocean City, Maryland, my mother and I got off the New Jersey Turnpike and stopped for lunch in Haddonfield, New Jersey. We found a British-themed gift shop, and among the foods they sold, not normally sold in America, was figgy pudding. And, as I said in the entry for 1526, it looked more like fruitcake than any pudding I'd ever seen. Had I a few extra bucks to spare, I would have bought some, just for the heck of it.

The 4th and final verse says, "We won't go until we get some." Where is a family that doesn't have any figgy pudding gonna go to get some on Christmas Eve (or Day)? If there's a Jewish deli open (which once saved my mother when she needed wild rice for Christmas dinner), something tells me they're not going to have figgy pudding, either. Is it even Kosher?

What's more, the person being sung to could easily say, "This is my house, and when I say you go, you go. Don't make me break out my Ralphie Red Ryder BB gun."

1937: This year marked the debut of "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm," written by Irving Berlin for the musical film On the Avenue, sung by Dick Powell to Alice Faye. Several successful versions were done that year, especially by the Ray Noble Orchestra, but the definitive version came years later, by Dean Martin. The song makes no mention of Christmas.

1938: Tony Romeo (as far as I know, his real name) is born in Troy, New York, across the Hudson River from Albany. He specialized in commercial jingles, but also wrote the songs "I'm Gonna Make You Mine" by Lou Christie, and "I Think I Love You," which hit Number 1 for The Partridge Family in 1970. He died of a heart attack in 1995, only 56 years old.

1940: Pal Joey, a musical based on the novel by John O'Hara, premieres at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre at 243 West 47th Street in New York. It includes the songs "Chicago" and "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered." It stars Gene Kelly, Vivienne Segal, June Havoc, Van Johnson and Stanley Donen.

It's better known for the 1957 film version, starring Frank Sinatra, Rita Hayworth and Kim Novak. In spite of Sinatra having done the best-known versions of both "My Kind of Town (Chicago Is)" and "Chicago (That Toddlin' Town)," the song "Chicago" in this musical is neither one of those.


The Ethel Barrymore is last surviving theatre built by the Shubert organization.


Also on this day, Agnes Ayres dies of a cerebral hemorrhage. She was only 42, and had been one of the top actresses of the silent film era, starring opposite Rudolph Valentino in The Sheik and Son of the Sheik.

Also on this day, Peter Edward Brown is born in Ashtead, Surrey, England. A singer, and a cousin of actor Marty Feldman (What hump?), he once played with a Christmas theme and fronted a band he named Pete Brown & His Battered Ornaments.


He is best remembered for his collaborations with Jack Bruce, both in the band Cream and in Bruce's solo career. He and Bruce wrote "I Feel Free," "Sunshine of Your Love," and one of my favorite rock songs of all time, "White Room" -- which is definitely not to be confused with "White Christmas." He is still alive, and should not be confused with another Englishman named Peter Brown, who helped The Beatles run their operations.

1942: Bing Crosby has had the Number 1 hit in America since Halloween: "White Christmas," written by Irving Berlin. In 1955, he and Danny Kaye starred in a film of that title.

In 1955, the Clyde McPhatter version of The Drifters had the first rock-and-roll version. In 1963, Darlene Love's version opened A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records.

1943: Der Bingle strikes again, singing "I'll Be Home for Christmas," lyrics by Kim Gannon, music by Walter Kent. When this song is sung, the singer starts with, "I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me," the singer says. But he closes by saying, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams." So, can she count on him, or not? She can't: The singer is meant to play the role of a soldier overseas.

1944, 75 years ago: The film Meet Me In St. Louis premieres. It was directed by Vincente Minnelli, and starred Judy Garland. They soon married. It includes the song, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," which has the line "Make the Yuletide gay." This is made even more problematic by the fact that Judy, though straight herself, became the ultimate "gay icon."

Also on this day, Jonathan Edwards (no middle name) is born in St. Louis. In 1977, John Edwards became the lead singer of the soul group The Spinners. A stroke forced him to retire in 2000. Nevertheless, he is still alive.

1945: "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" debuts, written by Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne, during the year's Summer heat wave in Los Angeles. Vaughn Monroe sang the 1st version, and his version was used to close the 1988 film Die Hard. But the song makes no mention of Christmas.

Also on this day, David Noel Redding is born in Folkestone, Kent, England. Noel Redding was the guitarist for the Jimi Hendrix Experience. He died in 2003.

1946: Nat King Cole has a hit with "The Christmas Song," better known by its opening line: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire." Let "Let It Snow," it was written in Los Angeles during the Summer 1945 heat wave. Another of the top singers of the time, Mel Tormé, was trying to get through the heat by thinking cool thoughts. So was songwriter Robert Wells, and he had a notepad next to his piano, with what became the details of the song. Mel found Bob, and the song was written in 40 minutes.

It closes with, "And so, I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from 1 to 92: Although it's been said, many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you." So, for everyone age 93 and up, you're out of luck? Sorry, Betty White. Tough cookies, Old Man Periwinkle.

Also this year, Gene Autry, dressed as Santa Claus, rides Champion Jr. the Wonder Horse in the Santa Claus Lane Parade, now known as the Hollywood Christmas Parade. He heard children yelling, "Here comes Santa Claus!" So he writes a song with that title. He did not, however, write "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," even though it is the song most identified with him, even more than "Back in the Saddle Again."

Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records. In 1990, Danny DeVito sang it on Saturday Night Live, backed by Dana Carvey on drums (he really is a good drummer), in character as Enid Strict, a.k.a. The Church Lady.

Also on this day, James William Buffett is born in Pascagoula, Mississippi. Has Jimmy Buffett ever gotten coal in his Christmas stocking? "Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault."

1947: This was the 1st Christmas for which "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was a hit song, by Gene Autry. Johnny Marks set the poem to music. Marks, though Jewish, would write several Christmas songs, as we will later see.

Those reindeer were rotten bullies. First, "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names." "Then one foggy Christmas Eve," Rudolph's prominent proboscis saves Christmas. "Then how the reindeer loved him." What a lousy bunch of fur-covered front-runners. I wonder if any of them ever said, "I'm sorry."

Also, if you ever hear Dean Martin's version, you might note that both the singer and the subject are known for having a red nose, albeit with very different causes. The Crystals sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records.

I can't find any reference to the introduction of the silly call-and-response: "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer (Reindeer!) had a very shiny nose (Like a light bulb!)," and so on. It appears to have started a few years later. Also, there are variations: In some places, kids sing, "like a flashlight!" and, instead of "You'll go down in history! (Like George Washington!)" they make it, "(Like Columbus!")

But in 1997, on the song's 50th Anniversary, Vivian Walsh published a book based on a misinterpretation of a line in the song, "All of the other reindeer... ": Her family dog becomes "Olive, the Other Reindeer." It was made into a Fox TV cartoon in 1999.

This was also the year of the debut of "Boogie-Woogie Santa Claus," perhaps the earliest depiction of a black Santa. It was written by Leon René, who had previously written "When the Swallows Come Back to Capistrano" and "When It's Sleepy Time Down South," and would later switch to rock and roll and write "Gloria" (the doo-wop classic, not the Van Morrison or the Laura Branigan song), "Rockin' Robin" and "I Sold My Heart to the Junkman."

Mabel Scott recorded the 1st version, but the best-known one was in 1950, by Lionel Hampton and His Orchestra, with vocals by Sonny Parker, normally their drummer.

1948: "Blue Christmas" debuts, written by Billy Hayes and Jay W. Johnson. Doye O'Dell is the 1st to record it. The following year, country singer Ernest Tubb had a big hit with it. Also having hits with it were bandleaders Hugo Winterhaler and Russ Morgan, crooner Billy Eckstine, and pop singer Johnny Mathis. But the definitive version was in 1957, by Elvis Presley. 

1949, 70 years ago: "Baby, It's Cold Outside," written by Frank Loesser, debuts in the film Neptune's Daughter, sung by Ricardo Montalbán (yes, Mr. Roarke and Khan!) to Esther Williams. The song makes no mention of Christmas.

This is one of the songs that someone (I forget who) once described as "songs Dean Martin liked to sing to get a woman to snuggle up with him by the fireplace," also including "Winter Wonderland," "Let It Snow," "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm" and "A Marshmallow World."

Now, I'm not gonna rip Dino, or say that these aren't nice songs. But they don't have anything to do with Christmas, either. They're about Winter, not about Christmas. And since we associate Christmas with Winter, regardless of Scripture suggesting that it didn't happen during Winter (not to mention that there's no snow mentioned in any of the Gospels), we associate these songs with Christmas, however erroneously.

But, in recent years, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" has come under intense scrutiny: It most certainly is not nice, and goes far beyond even naughty. The woman in the song says she has to go, her mother will worry, she's got a reputation to protect. And the man she's with keeps telling her that it's cold outside, that there's no cabs to be had, that she should stay. "Well, maybe just half a drink more," she finally relents. (Dean Martin with booze on hand? How out of character... ) And then, just 2 lines later, she asks, "Say, what's in this drink?"

So on the 12th day of Christmas, your true love gave to you... 12 roofies roofing? That's why this is known as "The Date Rape Christmas Song," and it is inappropriate on so many levels. At the very least, it's about a guy working way too hard to seduce a girl, and using Old Man Winter (if not the Christmas season itself) as an excuse.

This year also marked the debut of "Sleigh Ride," written by Leroy Anderson as an instrumental, and recorded by Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops. The following year, Mitchell Parish wrote lyrics for it, but the lyrics make no mention of Christmas.

The Ronettes sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records, but the most familiar version is by Johnny Mathis. Johnny is now openly gay, and it had been rumored for some time before he came out, but I never believed it until a few too many listens to him sing, "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too... "

Come to think of it, the song also mentions "a winter fairyland." Johnny's a great singer, even at age 84, making him one of the last survivors of the canon of "Classic Christmas Songs." But this song does him no favors.

1950: "A Marshmallow World" debuts, written by Carl Sigman and Peter DeRose. The hit version is by Bing Crosby. Dean Martin had a hit version as well, and Darlene Love sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records. Although the song is full of Winter imagery, it makes no mention of Christmas.

Also debuting this year is "Frosty the Snowman," by Jack Rollins and Steve Nelson. The 1st recording was by Gene Autry, as a follow-up (if not a sequel) to Rudolph. It also has nothing to do with Christmas, as the original lyrics make no mention of the holiday.

It wasn't until the 1969 CBS TV special, narrated by an animated Jimmy Durante (as if the great comedian wasn't already quite animated), that Frosty (voiced by another great comedian, Jackie Vernon) got an official link with Christmas.

The Ronettes sang it on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records, although Ronnie Spector's N'Yawk accent is in big contrast to the song's apparent small-town vibe.

A a fellow Yankee-themed blogger pointed out, the song begins, "Frosty the Snowman was a happy jolly soul." "Was"? Not "is"? What happened? Is he dead now? As in melted? Or is he just unhappy? Maybe he's only mad that he didn't get any royalties from the song.

Also weird about Frosty: If he's so afraid of heat, why does he have a pipe? And "two eyes made out of coal"? And, as was once pointed out to me, no matter how fat a snowman (and he did kind of resemble the portly Vernon), his walking wouldn't sound like "Thumpety-thump-thump." He's made of snow, walking on snow. It would sound more like "Swish, swish, swish."

This was also the debut year for "(Everybody's Waitin' for) The Man with the Bag," written by Irving Taylor, Dudley Brooks and Hal Stanley. Stanley was married to Kay Starr, who was the first to record it.

Starr was one of the biggest singers of the early 1950s. Billie Holiday called her "the only white woman who could sing the blues." In fact, this Oklahoman was 3/4 Native American, from the Iroquois tribe. Her hits included "Wheel of Fortune," and would later try to pander to teenagers with "The Rock and Roll Waltz." She also had an uncredited guest appearance on The Honeymooners, when her version of the dance tune "The Hucklebuck" was played.

1951: "Silver Bells" debuts, written by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans. It debuts in the film The Lemon Drop Kid, first by William Frawley (who had been in the 1947 Miracle On 34th Street, and would soon begin playing Fred Mertz on I Love Lucy), and then in its most familiar form, in a duet between Bob Hope and Marilyn Maxwell, who had often accompanied Hope on his USO tours during World War II and, then ongoing, the Korean War.

Livingston and Evans mostly wrote songs for movies, and their other songs include "Buttons and Bows" (also by Hope), "Mona Lisa" (a huge hit for Nat King Cole), "Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)" (a big hit for Doris Day) and "Tammy" (a Number 1 hit for Debbie Reynolds). They also wrote the theme songs for Bonanza and Mister Ed, with Livingston singing the latter.

There's nothing wrong with "Silver Bells," as far as I can tell. In fact, it's my favorite secular Christmas song, and Elvis Presley did a really nice version, his best Christmas song, much better than of "Blue Christmas."

But there's one version of it that's not... quite... right. I'm sorry, but Wilson Pickett? The Wicked Pickett should not have been recording Christmas songs! It would have been like asking Karen Carpenter to sing "In the Midnight Hour"! (Then again, she did cover "Please Mr. Postman.")

And how neat -- and weird -- was it in December 2010, on Saturday Night Live, to hear Jeff Bridges, not known as a singer (though he and brother Beau did play pianists in The Fabulous Baker Boys), duet on this song with Cookie Monster of Sesame Street?

Also this year, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas," debuts, written by Meredith Willson, who would later write the Broadway musical The Music Man. Perry Como recorded it this year, with The Fontane Sisters, backed by Mitchell Ayers & His Orchestra, the backing group for The Perry Como Show.

There's a line, "Take a look in the five-and-ten." Sadly, there are now very few five-and-ten-cent (or "five-and-dime") stores -- many of which were in chains. Woolworth's, J.J. Newberry's and McCrory's all closed in 2001. Now we have "dollar stores" -- or, as they're known in Britain, "poundshops."

Another line: "There's a tree in the grand hotel, one in the park as well." Well, I should hope there's a lot more than one tree in the park! I know, I know, Willson meant that one of the trees in the park was a Christmas tree.

It gets worse: "A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben. Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jen." The gender stereotypes are troubling enough. But putting a gun in a kid's hand is completely irresponsible, especially now, with the Newtown Massacre happening so close to Christmas a few of years ago.

One of these days, I expect to see a version of A Christmas Carol where the Ghost of Christmas Past is a grown-up Ralphie Parker with an eye patch, saying, "See? I actually did shoot my eye out!"

This year also marked the first recorded version of "The Little Drummer Boy," although it had been published in 1940. The first group to record it was the Trapp Family Singers. Yes, the real-life version of the kids from the musical The Sound of Music. The best-known version, though, is from 1958, by the Harry Simeone Chorale.

The 3rd verse has the line, "The ox and ass kept time." Sometimes it's sung as, "The ox and lamb kept time," in case you don’t want to use the word "ass" around kids, even to mean "donkey."

You know, call me a relic, call me what you will, say I'm old-fashioned, say I’m over the hill... but the drummer is the one who's supposed to keep time! Why does the little drummer boy need the ox and ass (or lamb) to do it for him? I know, he's just a kid, and he's certainly not responsible for the lyric, he's just telling the story. But this is another dumb one.

1952: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" debuts, written by Tommie Connor, and sung by Jimmy Boyd, then 13 but singing in the role of a much younger kid. Later married to future Batgirl Yvonne Craig, he should not be confused with the Jim Boyd who played several roles, including J. Arthur Crank, on the 1970s PBS kids show The Electric Company.

Dumb Donald is so dumb! (How dumb is he?) He's so dumb, he appears to be unaware that the guy he sees in the Santa suit is actually his father! Or, worse, he appears to be not particularly troubled by the fact that his mother is kissing a man who (he thinks) is not his father. Either way, this is not a very bright kid.

Please, save the "Santa only comes once a year" joke. That, too, is too risqué.

To make matters worse, there's a version of this song sung by... the Jackson 5, back when they were first big. So, that explains Michael Jackson... I wonder if he ever asked a child to sit on his lap. These days, the best-known version is probably the one by The Ronettes on A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records. Ronnie Spector was 20, and certainly looked like a grownup singing starlet, but if all you knew about her was her voice, she could pass for a kid.

1953: "Santa Baby" debuts, written by Joan Javits and Phillip Springer. Ah, the joy of Christmas, where everybody wants something. Usually several somethings. As Kanye West would say, "Now, I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... "

But this song is also problematic on a practical level. A '54 convertible? Cars were huge in the Fifties. A yacht? A duplex? The ring could fit, the deed to the platinum mine could be folded up, but how exactly is Santa gonna get all that expensive loot into her stocking? He’s magic, the stocking is not! Okay, she does ask Santa to "slip a sable under the tree for me." I just got carried away, thinking Santa is only responsible for the stuff in the stockings.

Then again, considering the original version was by Eartha Kitt, maybe it's a long, slinky nylon stocking. As Bill Maher (on whose former show Politically Incorrect she guested a few times) would say, "Easy, Catwoman!"

To make matters worse, Eartha ended up dying on a Christmas Day, in 2008. James Brown, who recorded an album called Funky Christmas, also died on December 25, 2 years earlier. And the aforementioned Dean Martin died on December 25, 1994.

1954: "(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays" debuts, written by Robert Allen and Al Stillman, and recorded by Perry Como. Every place in this country has people trying to get back there for Christmas, because it's "home" to them. I have no issue with that.

This song first mentions that the man trying to get home to Pennsylvania (Como's home State), is starting out (or, perhaps, stopping along the way) in Tennessee. No problem there, either. But then he mentions people going "to Dixie's sunny shore." Even if you're not bothered by this glorification of the South (and I am), it doesn't fit with the whole "Christmas as Winter Wonderland" idea.

Also, when he sings, "From Atlantic to Pacific, gee, the traffic is terrific," whether he realizes it or not, he's using "terrific" in the original sense: Inspiring terror. If you've ever done Christmas shopping in Bergen County, New Jersey, where stores aren't permitted to open on Sundays, on the last Saturday before Christmas, you will understand. Christmas-shopping traffic and Christmas-travel traffic are not "terrific" as in "wonderful" or "jolly."

For me, this song closed with a big misheard lyric: It's, "For the holidays, you can't beat home sweet home." For years, I thought it was, "For the holidays, you can be home sweet home."

1955: "Nuttin' for Christmas" debuts, written by Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett. Several singers had hits with it this year, playing the part of a boy who's certainly ending up on the Naughty side of Santa's List. He doesn't take responsibility for his own actions, though, always saying, "Somebody snitched on me!"

*

Now, we enter the Rock and Roll Era:

December 25, 1958: "The Chipmunk Song" is the Number 1 song in America. It remained the last Christmas-themed song to hit Number 1 -- until 2019!.

Johnny Marks strikes again. This time, despite being Jewish, and 49 years old, he has written 2 rock and roll Christmas songs. He brings Rudolph into the modern world with "Run, Rudolph, Run," a hit for Chuck Berry (although it's actually sung as "Run, Run, Rudolph"), and gives 15-year-old Brenda Lee her 1st hit with "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."

The title of the former is "Run, Rudolph, Run," but the lyrics say, "Run, run, Rudolph." Marks gave the song to Chuck Berry. Elvis Presley may have been the 1st rocker to record a Christmas song, with "Blue Christmas" the year before, but it was written in 1948, and Elvis' version hardly sounds like a rock and roll song. In contrast, the Chucker went out of his way to make "Run, Rudolph, Run" sound like a Chuck Berry song, and it works great. That's the (Johnny B.) good news.


The bad news is that the lyrics have Santa asking a boy what he wants for Christmas, and he wants a guitar. No problem there. Then they have Santa asking a girl what she wants, and she wants a doll. In the Ike Age, this didn't raise too many hackles. Now, it does. In 2006, Whitney Wolanin, then just 16 years old, recorded a new version with the genders reversed: The girl wants the guitar, and the boy wants the doll.

December 25, 1962: "Do You Hear What I Hear?" makes its Christmas debut, written by Gloria Shayne Baker and her husband at the time, the appropriately-named Noël Regney. They wrote it 2 months earlier, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, as a plea for peace.

It's a beautiful song, but it's got problems. Ignore for a moment that "Do you hear what I hear?" is from the 2nd verse, thus the title should be "Do You See What I See?" Ignore also the likelihood (based on Scripture itself) that Jesus was not born in Winter, on December 25 or otherwise.

In the 3rd verse, the shepherd boy says, "In your palace warm, mighty king, do you know what I know? A child, a child shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold." This is the Christmas song that gets my mother upset: She points out, if the child is shivering in the cold, forget the precious metals, bring him something more precious: Blankets. One would think that the shepherd boy, himself almost certainly poor, would figure that out.

And how did he get into the king's palace, anyway? Not that I want to take the king's side against a poor shepherd boy, but I would like to know. Maybe, like King David started out as, the boy was a crafty little shepherd who found a way around a seemingly impossible situation.

1963: Phil Spector's album A Christmas Gift for You had been released on November 22 -- mere hours before the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, which held sales down. The album had 13 songs, 5 of which are not Christmas-related.

Phil wanted an original song for the album, Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich, who had written (and would continue to write) so many songs he produced, wrote "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)." Darlene Love sang it. Sonny Bono played percussion on the album, and if you listen closely, you can hear his eventual wife (and eventual ex-wife), Cher, singing backup on "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."

Hearing that Spector was going to do this album, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys wanted to do a Christmas album, too. Only one song was recorded in time, though: "Little Saint Nick." This song is a guilty pleasure of mine: I love how they make Santa's sleigh sound like a hot rod.

But they have a little problem with counting: "Haulin' through the snow at a frightenin' speed, with a half a dozen deer, with Rudy to lead." Half a dozen is 6. There's supposed to be 8 -- 9, counting Rudolph. In this song, Big Red is 2 reindeer short.

Also premiering this year is "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," written by Edward Pola and George Wyle, and sung by Andy Williams. It includes the line, "There'll be scary ghost stories... " I think Pola and Wyle got their holidays mixed up!

True, Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol has ghosts in it, but how old were you when you stopped being scared of those ghosts? Even when I saw my 1st version of it -- the 1962 Mr. Magoo version, when I was about 6 or so, in the 1970s -- I wasn't scared of them.

In 1995, Staples stores used the song for a commercial for its back-to-school sale, featuring a father dancing in the aisle with a shopping cart, happy that his kids are soon going back to school. The kids were not thinking it was so wonderful.

1964: The TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer premiers. Burl Ives, in the role of Sam the Snowman, narrates, and closes the show with a new song written by "Rudolph" composer Johnny Marks: "Holly Jolly Christmas."

The song certainly seems jolly and innocuous enough -- until you get to the line, "Somebody waits for you. Kiss her once for me." Bump that! If she's waiting for me, I'm kissing her for nobody but myself! It reminds me of George Carlin's rant about the line, "Give her my best." (Said rant is too risqué to discuss in a Christmas-themed post.)

Also this year, The Beach Boys' Christmas Album finally gets released. It includes the aforementioned "Little Saint Nick," and original Brian Wilson/Mike Love songs "The Man With All the Toys" and "Santa's Beard."

It also has the carol "We Three Kings" and the standards "White Christmas," "Blue Chritsmas," "I'll Be Home for Christmas," "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" and "Frosty the Snowman" and closes with "Auld Lang Syne."

1967: Jason Matthew Thirsk is born in the Los Angeles suburb of Hermosa Beach, California. The bass guitarist for the punk band Pennywise, he fell victim to depression and alcoholism, and shot and killed himself in 1996, only 28 years old.

1970: This was the year we got the semi-official Christmas songs of African-Americans and Hispanic Americans. Donny Hathaway releases "This Christmas," which he wrote with Nadine McKinnor. It's been recorded by singers of all races, but far more black ones, and inspired a 2007 film of the same title with a mostly-black cast.

And José Feliciano releases "Feliz Navidad" -- Spanish for "Happy Nativity," or, effectively, "Merry Christmas." It helps revive his career after the unintentional controversy caused by his groundbreaking performance of the National Anthem at the 1968 World Series.

The only problem I have with this one is that it's incredibly repetitive. It was good of Feliciano to write a Christmas song that kids whose first language was Spanish can sing, but couldn't he have written a second verse?

He could have done a version for Quebec and other French-speaking places: "Feliz Navidad, prospero año y felicidad" -- "Merry Christmas, a prosperous year and happiness" -- could have become, "Joyeux Noël, prospérité en la année nouvelle," and it would have rhymed perfectly.

1971: John Lennon and Yoko Ono release "Happy Xmas (War Is Over," with backing from the Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir. They also rent Times Square billboards with the messages "Happy Xmas from John & Yoko" and "War is over (if you want it)."

Also on this day, Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong is born in the Kensington section of London. Best known for her song "Thank You" and her guest appearance in Eminem's video "Stan," Dido also sang one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard, "Who Makes You Feel."

1972: Johnny Mac Powell is born in Clanton, Alabama. The gospel singer, lead singer for the band Third Day, doesn't use his first name, and won the 2001 Gospel Music Association award for Male Vocalist of the Year.

1973: "Step Into Christmas" debuts, sung by Elton John, written by Elton and Bernie Taupin.

Also, "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" premieres, written by Roy Wood and recorded by his glam-rock band Wizzard. The title sounds like a nice idea, but it would be awful in concept. Look at all the places that are closed on December 25. If you need to buy something, you'll have to get it at 7-Eleven or Wawa or someplace like that. And you will have to get things. You think it's easy to shop for everyone you love for one day a year? Multiply that by 365!

1975: The rock band Iron Maiden is formed. Not exactly a musical act one would associate with a Christian holiday. Lead guitarist Dave Murray and bass guitarist Steve Harris are 63. Guitarist and main songwriter Adrian Smith and original drummer Doug Sampson are 62. Original lead singer Paul Di'Anno and the most familiar lead singer for the band, Bruce Dickinson, are 61.

1976: Armin Jozef Jacobus Daniël van Buuren is born in Leiden, the Netherlands. The DJ is one of the world's leading figures in "trance music." I am not a fan. 

1977: Bing Crosby taped a TV special, Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas, from England, with several British performers, including Leslie Hornby, a.k.a. the famously thin supermodel Twiggy.

He also recorded a duet with David Bowie, then still thought of by Bing's older, very square fans as a very weird glam-rocker. They sang a duet, with Bing singing "The Little Drummer Boy" (which he said he hated), and David singing "Peace On Earth," a new song written for the special by Alan "Buz" Kohan, Ian Fraser and Larry Grossman.

Fraser was the musical director for the special, and when he was asked, years later, if Bing knew who David was, he said, "I'm pretty sure he did. Bing was no idiot. If he didn't, his kids sure did." David agreed to the duet, saying, "I just knew my mother liked him." Afterward, Bing called David a "clean-cut kid, and a real fine asset to the show. He sings well, has a great voice, and reads lines well."

The recording, audio and videotape, was done at Elstree Studios in London on September 11. Still in Europe, in Spain to play a little golf, Bing had a heart attack and died on October 14. The special aired in the U.S. on CBS on November 30, and in the U.K. on ITV on Christmas Eve. It was a rough year for entertainers: In August, Elvis Presley and Groucho Marx had died within 3 days of each other; and then, on Christmas Day itself, Charlie Chaplin died.

1979: Paul McCartney releases "Wonderful Cheistmastime." How is it that former Beatle John Lennon, who dared to "Imagine there's no heaven... and no religion, too" – not that he was saying there was no God or Heaven, just asking us to imagine a world where people had "nothing to kill or die for" – wrote such a fantastic Christmas song, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"? While his former musical partner, Paul McCartney, one of the world's greatest songwriters and one of its greatest sentimentalists, facing that most sentimental of holidays, wrote such a weak one?

1984: "Do They Know It's Christmas?" premieres, written by Bob Geldof of the Boomtown Rats and Midge Ure of Ultravox, in response to news footage of the Ethiopian famine. They recorded it on November 25, with several British music superstars of the time, under the name Band Aid, and released it on December 3. It entered into the lexicon such lines as the chorus "Feed the World" and, as sung by Bono of U2, "Well, tonight, thank God it's them instead of you!"

It replaced Wings' "Mull of Kintyre" as the biggest-selling British single ever, holding the record until Elton John's Princess Diana tribute "Candle in the Wind 1997." It's sold 3.8 million units (from records to CDs to Internet downloads) in the United Kingdom alone, which, given the proportionate size of the countries (current populations, 67 million to 327 million), is like selling 18.5 million units in the United States.

In addition to Geldof, the other Boomtown Rats, Ure and fellow Ultravox member Chris Cross, Band Aid included Bono and Adam Clayton of U2 (but not The Edge or Larry Mullen), all 5 members of Duran Duran, all 3 members of Bananarama, all 5 members of Spandau Ballet, Boy George and Jon Moss from Culture Club, Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi of Status Quo, Glenn Gregory and Martyn Ware of Haven 17, Sting, Phil Collins, George Michael, Paul Weller, Paul Young, Marilyn, and, not British but touring in Britain at the time, Jody Watley and all 3 members of Kool & the Gang.

This was also the debut of "Last Christmas," written by George Michael, and recorded by him and his partner in Wham!, Andrew Ridgely. It as a "double A-side," with "Everything She Wants," which hit Number 1 early the next year.

Where to begin with this one? First of all, it's by Wham! Second of all... Do I even need a "second of all"? The lyrics certainly suggest that it's the first gay Christmas song: "A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, a man under cover but you tore me apart."

There are "blue Christmas" songs -- "blue" as in sad, not "blue" as in "blue language" -- but this one, even if the "man under cover" is the narrator, not his target, is lame as heck. And did I mention it's by Wham?

This was also the year that "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" became a hit song. Randy Brooks wrote it, and originally performed it in 1978 with the then-husband-and-wife team of Elmo and Patsy Shropshire. (They have since divorced.) On the record jacket, Elmo appears in drag as Grandma.

What a terrible thing to have to think about at Christmastime! As B.J. Hunnicutt taught us on M*A*S*H, "A family's Christmas wreaths ought to be green, not black." On top of that, lemme tell ya somethin': If any reindeer had ever tried to run over my Grandma, she'd have popped him one, and then you'd know how he got the red nose!

The 2nd verse says, "We're so very proud of Grandpa. He's been taking it so well. See him in there, watching football, drinking beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel." But the video shows that Cousin Mel is actually a considerably younger woman. (Elmo played Grandma and Grandpa, while Patsy played Mel.) Gee, is Mel really a member of the family, or did Grandpa have Grandma offed so he could hang with his girlfriend at Christmas?

Given the backlash, the end of video shows Grandma, alive but a bit the worse for wear, staggering into the house giving the last line: "They should never grand a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves!"

In 2000 -- oddly enough, premiering on Halloween, on The WB -- there was an animated special based on the song. Grandma survives, and, as it turns out, Santa is not only innocent, but takes Grandma to the North Pole to nurse her back to health. It turns out, Cousin Mel is actually related to the family, but is a gold-digger, and seems to be more interested in killing Grandpa as well than in going after his money by marrying him. But Grandma has amnesia as a result of her accident, and it takes her until next Christmas to straighten everything out.

1987: "Fairytale of New York" is released on November 23, written by Shane MacGowan and Jem Finer of the London-based, but Irish-ethnic, rock band The Pogues, and sung by MacGowan and English-born Scottish singer Kirsty MacColl.

The song is more popular in the singers' native Britain than it is in the City in question, despite New York's still-strong Irish community. It is not a song whose lyrics are fit for this post. The short, clean version is that, for the couple in the song, the fairy tale did not come true.

December 25, 1994, 25 years ago: This was the 1st Christmas with Mariah Carey's song "All I Want for Christmas Is You." Mariah wrote it with Walter Afanasieff. It remains the most recent song to become a Christmas classic.

The song seems harmless enough. Indeed, it even seems to have the girl telling her guy to fight the commercialism of Christmas, that she doesn't need the kind of things that Eartha Kitt (and later Madonna) demanded in "Santa Baby."

But it also suggests that what she really needs is a man. So feminists tend to not like this one. To be fair, though, she doesn't say she needs him, only that she wants him -- which opens an entirely different can of worms. The song is rarely sung by a man to a woman, but when it is, it sounds a little stalkerish.

2000: Christian music group NewSong releases "The Christmas Shoes." The idea of this song is, on the surface, heartwarming: One of those, "And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown" moments:

A guy on line at the cash register, having driven himself nuts shopping for Christmas presents, hears a kid tell the cashier he has to get these shoes for his dying mother, so that she can be presentable when she appears before Jesus, and he doesn't have the money for them, so the guy pays for the shoes for the kid. Certainly, a beautiful gesture.

On the other hand, it might be the biggest downer in the history of Christmas songs. This song isn't about life, it's about death. If it was "a real Christmas song," the mom should be so thrilled by such a beautiful gesture, from both son and stranger, that she gets better, and enjoys many more Christmases to come. Like a Hallmark Christmas movie would have happen. Real life tends to not work that way, but "Christmas miracles" do. Why not sing about that? After all, NewSong, are you Christian in just name, or in deed?

December 25, 2019: This past December 6, in anticipation of her 30th birthday on December 13, Taylor Swift released a song about the place where she grew up, outside Reading, Pennsylvania: "Christmas Tree Farm." We haven't had a decent new Christmas song since Mariah in 1994, maybe this will join the lexicon.

Somehow, Mariah's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" has done this year what it didn't do the first time around: Hit Number 1 on Billboard magazine's Hot 100. It is her 20th Number 1 hit, right behind the Beatles with 21 for the most Number 1 hits of any music act. She had already broken Elvis Presley's record for soloists with 18.

Did I forget any important ones? If so, let me know.

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