50 Rules for 50 Years

Ziva David (Cote de Pablo): "Just to be clear: Are there any more of these 'Rules' I should be aware of?"

Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon): "About 50 of them."

Ziva: "Ha! And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere."

Gibbs: "Nope."

Ziva: "Then how am I supposed to -- "

Gibbs: "It's my job to teach them to you."

-- NCIS 

Gibbs Rule Number 7 is, "Always be specific when you lie." He broke his own Rule when he told Ziva that the Rules weren't written down and left it at that. He had them written down at his house.

Note: This post is a variation on one I wrote on a previous birthday: "Things I've Learned In My 1st 46 Years."

I turn 50 next week. Here are 50 rules I've learned from my 1st 50 years:

1. Family always sticks together. Desertion is treason. (This is a variation on a rule in The Godfather, spoken by Michael Corleone, played by Al Pacino, to his brother Fredo, played by John Cazale: "Don't ever take sides with anyone against the family.") 2. Never do anything only for the money. No matter how much it is. No matter how badly you need it. If you need the money that badly, you can find another reason to do it. 3. Anytime someone says, "It's not about (fill in the blank)," they're lying. 4. If you have to lie, make it a plausible lie. It shows you respect the person you're lying to, and thus raises less suspicion. 5. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's looking fear dead in the eye and saying, "To hell with you, I'm moving forward, and you won't stop me." 6. It's never too late to apologize. Corollary: It's never too late to forgive. 7. It's okay to rat someone out if it will save a life, but never if all that will be saved is money. 8. Always give the effort. People will forgive defeat if it looked like you cared enough to try to win. Corollary: If you can't win, at least make the winner feel as though his win wasn't worth the effort. 9. Better to trust a sincere fool than a smart liar. 10. If people think you're crazy or stupid, use it to your advantage before they can use it to theirs. (I like to call this the Dizzy Dean Rule.) 11. You don't need a third drink. Corollary: Drinks are like guns: If you think you need more than two, you've got a problem. 12. Admit it when you're wrong. 13. Coincidence is what the incurious believe in. 14. Never throw the first punch. Throw the next four. (From Billy Martin.) 15. There's no shame in a man admitting he's in over his head. (From Colonel Sherman T. Potter, played by Harry Morgan, on M*A*S*H.) 16. Never apologize for having told the truth. If the person you told the truth to can't handle it, that's their problem. 17. It's better to be called a coward by an asshole than to be revealed as an asshole by anyone. Corollary: Nothing is worth a triple-dog-dare. (A reference to Jean Shepherd's A Christmas Story.) 18. Love is worth a concession, but no kind of sex is worth making yourself look undignified in public. (A variant of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, written by group member Bob Gaudio and their producer, Bob Crewe: "No woman's worth crawling on the Earth, so walk like a man, my son.") 19. Never pick on a rookie when he's down. A veteran should be able to take a little ribbing. A rookie can't be expected to. 20. If you can keep your head about you while all others are losing theirs, maybe they know something you need to know. (A variant of Rudyard Kipling: " ...while all others are losing theirs, and blaming you... yours is the world and all that's in it, and, what's more, you'll be a man, my son!") 21. Be the underestimated, never the underestimator. 22. If life hands you lemonade, drink it, before someone turns it back into lemons. 23. Never blame on malice what you can blame on incompetence. (This, and variations on it, are called "Hanlon's Razor," and have been attributed to Robert J. Hanlon, Robert A. Heinlein, Bernard Ingham, Napoleon Bonaparte and Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.) 24. If the music don't sound good, who cares what the picture looks like? (From Ray Charles, in a 1984 commercial for Pioneer laserdisc players.) This comes with what I call the Hooters Corollary: If the food don't taste good, it doesn't matter how the server is dressed. 25. Sometimes, paranoia is justified. 26. Always look busy, so they won't know that you're fooling around. (A variant of George Costanza on Seinfeld: "If you look annoyed, people will assume that you're busy.") 27. You don't have to understand women. You only have to understand one woman. 28. Never remind a woman that you were right and she was wrong. Even if you were right, reminding her of that just makes you wrong-squared. Which is worse than doubly wrong. 29. Never talk on the phone in the bathroom. It's like you're pissing on the other person's shoes. 30. Never shut up, or the other side will be the only one heard. Some people will say this violates one of their rules: "Don't speak unless it will improve the silence." But if your words won't stand up for your cause, whose words will? On the other hand, sometimes, it is better not to speak: 31. Forgetting when to keep the truth to yourself can be as damaging as getting caught in a lie. Another one related to the preceding 2: 32. There will be times when neither you nor an ally is the best spokesman for your own opinion. Corollary: Not every person in your party is an ally, and not every person in the other party is an enemy. Another Corollary: Better to trust a principled member of the other party than an unprincipled member of your own. Counterpoint: Sometimes, a good message comes from a messenger you won't like. 33. Have a heart of gold, but never at the cost of a spine of steel. 34. Never let the desire for perfection interfere with your ability to do good. (Sometimes written as, "Never let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Originally, "The better is the enemy of the good," from Voltaire. Also known as "settling for half a loaf.") 35. It's not the crime that gets you, it's the cover-up. (Variations of this go back to Watergate.) 36. When a politician resigns his office, or announces he's not running for re-election, "to spend more time with my family," it's code for, "I did something wrong, and my wife found out about it, and I have to make it up to her." 37. If you're not in favor of government spending for universal health care, you are NOT "pro-life."

38. Never accept an apology from someone who's only sorry he got caught. 

39. Never go to bed with someone that you're not willing to have breakfast with in the morning.

40. Never draw your weapon, unless you're willing to use it. (This one can be traced back at least as far as Richard Boone playing Paladin on Have Gun -- Will Travel.)

41. When you walk into a room, look around, and see if you can see a sucker. If you can't, walk out of the room, because the sucker is you. (I think this one came from Nelson Algren.)

42. Anybody who says sports is war has never been in a war. (From Bob Feller.)

43. Sports may be a microcosm of life, but it's not life and death. Corollary: Your team's successes and failures are not tied in with your own. (From Nick Hornby.)

44. Your season may have ended badly, but there's always another season. (Also from Hornby.)

45. Sports, or anything else you might be interested in, isn't something that anyone else can understand, unless they also belong. (Also from Hornby.)

46. If a child that is not your own believes in Santa Claus, let them. If the child is not yours, then explaining how St. Nicholas was turned into Santa Claus is not your call.

47. Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end. (From Leonard Nimoy, in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.)

48. It's not important that you are the one who does something. What is important is that it is done. (From Reggie Jackson.)

49. Anything worth doing is worth doing with a full heart. If you can't, don't do it.

This last one might be the most important:

50. If a little girl wants you to play with her, do it. She won't remember it when she's ten, but it's not just for her. It's for you.