Living In a Jersey Paradise

To the tune of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio, although, in terms of lyrical style, it probably owes more to "Weird Al" Yankovic's parody, "Amish Paradise."

As I walk through the valley of the Raritan

I take a look at my life and realize this wasn't planned.

But that's just perfect for us Jersey Guys

because it taught us all how to improvise.

Woke up this morning at 6:30, grab my keys.

Have breakfast at the deli: Pork roll, egg and cheese.

I've been waiting on this platform for the train so long

that even my Ma thinks my mind is gone!

But still, at 9, I'm in there, ready for work

for a totally insufferable jerk-fool!

I'm the kinda guy the office trainees wanna be like

in their studio apartments, sayin' prayers for 'burb life!

Been spending most our lives

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Learn how to improvise

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Eat pork roll by the slice

living in a Jersey Paradise.

It's just an option to be nice

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Work is done, I take the Subway back to Penn Station.

The trains backed up, leading to commuter consternation.

My briefcase is so packed, on me the boss was chunkin'.

But at least I got myself an iced latte from Dunkin.

Finally get home, resume my life.

On the table is McDonald's, bought by the wife.

She's a real estate agent, Jersey keeps her in commission

I gotta keep her pleased, 'cause I know what I was missin'!

The lawn mower's broken, the snowblower's through

and I ain't had the gutters cleaned since 2002!

She takes the Subaru to the Home Goods store.

Where she'll put all the stuff she buys there, I just don't know.

Tell me why are we stuck on Route 3?

Is it more construction or the return of Chris Christie?

Been spending most our lives

living in a Jersey Paradise.

It takes some sacrifice

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Atlantic City's our vice

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Leave up our Christmas lights

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Shopping malls are crowded, traffic is a bummer.

We still get to go down the Shore in the Summer!

The Devils gave us three Stanley Cups in hockey.

So who needs New York's Warriors or Philadelphia's Rocky?

They say I gotta learn, but nothing they can teach me

is worth doing things that would make the cops reach me!

I guess they can't, but I wish they would all

give tickets to cars taking up two spaces at the mall, fool!

Been spending most our lives

living in a Jersey Paradise.

We pay the ShopRite price

living in a Jersey Paradise.

No pineapple on pies

living in a Jersey Paradise.

We’re all standup guys

living in a Jersey Paradise.

Tell me why are we stuck on Route 3?

Someone made a wrong turn into Cheesecake Factory!

Tell me why are we stuck on Route 3?

Somebody ticked off the wrong "family"!

EDIT: There is a Cheesecake Factory off Route 4 in North Jersey, but not off Route 3.

*

Days until the next Arsenal match: 5, at 10:00 AM Eastern Time this Saturday, a Premier League match, away to Leicester City. The Arsenal remain top of the League, although Manchester City have closed the gap.

Days until the New Jersey Devils again play a local rival: 5, at 7:30 PM this Saturday, home to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Days until the next New York Red Bulls game: 5, at 7:30 PM this Saturday, away to Orlando City.

Days until the next game of the U.S. National Soccer Team: 32, on Friday, March 24, at 8:00 PM New York time, in the CONCACAF Nations League, away to Grenada.

Days until the Yankees' Opening Day: 38, on Thursday, March 30, home to the San Francisco Giants. This will be the 1st Yankee game to be both an Opening Day and an Interleague game. Under 3 months.

Days until the Red Bulls again play a nearby rival: 70, on Saturday, May 6, home to the Philadelphia Union.

Days until the Yankees' next series against the Boston Red Sox begins: 109, on Friday, June 9, 2023, at Yankee Stadium II. Under 4 months.

Days until the next Women's World Cup opens: 140, on Friday, July 10, 2023, jointly held in the neighboring nations of Australia and New Zealand. Under 5 months.

Days until the next North London Derby: Unknown. Arsenal have won both League games with Tottenham Hotspur, and will not face "Spurs" in any other competition this season. The 2023-24 Premier League season will begin on Saturday, August 12, which would be 173 days. But the season never begins with any derby matches, so it will probably be at least 1 week later.

Days until the next East Brunswick High School football game: Unknown, since we won't know the 2023 schedule for months. It could be as soon as Friday, September 1, which would be 193 days. A little over 6 months.

Days until the next East Brunswick-Old Bridge game: Also unknown. It could be the season opener. At least, after this year's game was at the purple shit pit on Route 9, next year's game will be at home.

Days until the next Rutgers University football game: 194, on Saturday, September 2, home to Northwestern. A little over 6 months.

Days until the next Rutgers-Penn State football game: 271, on Saturday, November 18, 2023, at a time to be determined, at Beaver Stadium in State College, Pennsylvania. Under 9 months.

Days until the next Summer Olympic Games: 522, on Friday, July 26, 2024, in Paris, France. A little under a year and a half, or a little over 17 months.

Days until the next Presidential election: 624, on Tuesday, November 5, 2024. Under 2 years, or under 21 months.

Days until the next elections for Governor of New Jersey and Mayor of New York City: 988, on Tuesday, November 4, 2025. Under 3 years.

Days until the next Winter Olympics open in Milan, Italy: 1,082, on Friday, February 6, 2026. A little under 3 years.

Days until the next World Cup opens: 1,204, on Monday, June 8, 2026. Under 3 1/2 years. 

Mike Lupica vs. Jabba the Guv

Yesterday -- I can't seem to find a link to it -- New York Daily News columnist Mike Lupica proves that, while he's often wrong about sports, he is completely right (that is, correct, not right-wing) about politics.

He called Chris Christie, New Jersey's Blob-in-Chief, "Ralph Kramden." The blustery, blubbery Brooklyn bus driver from The Honeymooners.

Calling Chris Christie "Ralph Kramden" is a terrible insult. To Honeymooners fans.

Ralph was poor, and Christie hates the poor. Ralph was an urban guy, and Christie hates the cities. He thinks they're a drain on rich people's fortunes and that they don't pay enough taxes. He's one of those "Fuck 'em, they don't vote for us anyway" guys -- the kind I wish Democrats would be more often!

Chris Christie is not Ralph Kramden. Ralph had a conscience. He realized he made mistakes, and he was ashamed of them. Christie, Jabba the Guv, has no shame, doesn't care who he hurts, and has far more "crazy harebrained schemes" than Ralphie Boy ever did.

I'd threaten to send Christie to the Moon, but there ain't a rocket in this country with enough thrust to send him to the Moon!

As Ralph's pal Ed Norton would say, there's only one place Christie belongs: The sewer! Which is what New Jersey will be if we don't kick him out in 2013!

A.J.'s Meltdown, Mets' Surrender & Jabba the Guv

The Yankees lost last night to the Toronto Blue Jays. They went up 2-0 on a Derek Jeter single and a Nick Swisher home run in the 1st inning, but A.J. Burnett imploded in the 5th, allowing 7 runs. The Yanks nearly came back from an 8-2 deficit, and Swisher hit another homer in the 9th (and nearly had one in the 3rd as well), but the final score was 8-6. Shades of Game 5 of last year's World Series.

John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman commented during last night's game on WCBS that when CC Sabathia gets in trouble (and you can say the same for Andy Pettitte, although they didn't say it), you get the feeling that he's going to work out of it and limit the damage; but when A.J. gets into trouble, you get the feeling he's not going to get out of it.

When A.J. Burnett gets into trouble, you have to invoke Gibbs Rule Number 44: First thing's first, hide the women and children. (That's Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS, not the old Yankee catcher and Ole Miss quarterback Jake Gibbs. Or Arsenal left back Kieran Gibbs)

Burnett is now 9-9, which is not what the Yankees are paying him the big bucks for. And Dave Eiland has returned as pitching coach after an absence "for personal reasons," whatever those were, so maybe his absence wasn't the cause of Burnett's earlier struggles.

Since Tampa Bay also won, they and the Yankees are now in a flat-footed tie for first place in the American League East.

Tonight, game 2 of this Yanks-Jays series, as Dustin Moseley goes against J.C. Romero.

*

The Mets did no better, going on the road (rarely a good sign for them) to Atlanta (almost never a good sign for them), and losing 4-1 to the Braves.

The Braves put 3 on the board in the bottom of the 1st. After the 1st, the Mets' starter pitched like The Great Johan Santana. Of course, the Mets' starter was Santana, who is now a very un-ace-like 8-6.

The Mets are now 7 1/2 games behind the first-place Braves. Amazingly, (or should that be "Amazin'ly"?), if the Mets gain 1 game on the Braves every week -- and if the Phillies don't pass the Braves first -- the Mets, as awful as they've been this season, can still win the Division.

Of course, such an occurrence would be on the same level as Chris Christie, alias Jabba the Guv, losing 50 pounds and admitting that conservatism doesn't work, the millionaires' tax needs to come back, and labor unions are not the enemy. In other words, don't bet your pension on it.

Especially since tonight's scheduled starters are knuckleballer R.A. Dickey against Derek Lowe (who always seems to pitch well against both New York teams), and Wednesday's game is supposed to be started by Mike Pelfrey, who got off to a great first half but has been dreadful lately.

And the Mets made no trade-deadline deals. Basically, management is telling Met fans, "We give up on the present. We're building for the future."

That would be fine... if they weren't still committing to David Wright, Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran, and not willing to quickly jettison John Maine and Oliver Perez, and to hell with their contracts: You're a New York sports team, eat those contracts, it's worth the expense to get rid of the dead wood.