Showing posts with label aston villa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aston villa. Show all posts

Sunday, December 14, 2025

December 14, 1935: Ted Drake Scores 7 Goals

December 14, 1935, 90 years ago: Arsenal Football Club, of North London, travel to Birmingham, and defeat Aston Villa F.C., 7-1 at Villa Park. Forward Ted Drake scores all 7 of Arsenal's goals.

Drake did this despite a nagging knee injury; despite having Alex James, the little Scottish dynamo who usually served as Arsenal's Captain, out with an injury; and despite Villa, having struggled but invested heavily in recent days, signing 6 players for national teams (England, Scotland, Wales, Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland), earning them the nickname "The Bank of England Club."

Drake scored 3 goals in the 1st half, reached 6 by the hour mark, and then saw the newly-acquired Jack Palethorpe score Villa's only goal. Drake thought he had a 7th when his shot hit the crossbar and bounced down, but the referee ruled that it had not crossed the line. In the game's last minute, he got his 7th. He had one other shot, which was saved.

At the time, this was believed to have tied the record for most goals scored in a Football League game, set back in the League's 1st season, 1888-89, when Jimmy Ross of Preston North End, the Lancashire team that went on to win the title and the FA Cup, English football's first "Double," scored 7 in a game against Staffordshire team Stoke City. Years later, research discovered that Ross had scored "only" 4 goals, and Drake had the record all to himself.

Just 12 days later, on December 26, Robert "Bunny" Bell scored 9 goals -- and missed a penalty that could have made it 10 -- for Merseyside team Tranmere Rovers against Manchester-area team Oldham Athletic. But this was in the Football League's Division Three North. Drake's record of 7 remained untouched for the remainder of the League's Division One. Nor has it been matched in the Division's successor, the Premier League, since its institution in 1992.

Drake helped Arsenal win the League in 1934, 1935 and 1938; and the FA Cup in 1936. In 1955, he managed West London team Chelsea to win the League title. This made him the 1st man to win the League as both a non-managing player and a non-playing manager. He died in 1995, at the age of 82. 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

FA Cup-Winning Goalscorers, 1872-2017

This afternoon, Arsenal won the Football Association Cup for a record 13th time, the 3rd time in the last 4 years. The North London giants beat West Londoners Chelsea, winners of the Premier League, 2-1 at the new Wembley Stadium in West London.

Aaron Ramsey, who scored the winning goal in the 2014 Final against Hull City, did it again, this time a lot sooner. Had he not done so, extra time might have been necessary, as it was in 2014. This time, he tallied in the 79th minute, right after Chelsea had wiped out the "One-nil to the Arsenal" lead that the Gunners (so nicknamed for their connection to the old Royal Arsenal at Woolwich) had notched very early on.

Arsene Wenger has now managed 7 FA Cup wins, more than any manager ever. He truly gambled by benching forward Olivier Giroud for Theo Walcott, and sending Arsenal out there without Petr Cech in goal, Laurent Koscielny and Gabriel Paulista on the back 4, and Santi Cazorla and Jack Wilshere in the midfield -- all injured except for Giroud, who came on late, and, as he had in 2014, assisted Ramsey's goal. As the smart Arsenal fans say, "Arsene Knows." (The dumb ones still want him out. I guess trophies are no longer what matter to them.)

The trophy was handed out by the President of the FA -- Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, grandson of Queen Elizabeth II. William also handed it out to Arsenal last year. Previously, Arsenal have received the Cup from King George V in 1930, King George VI in 1936 and 1950, Prince Charles in 1979, and Prince George, Duke of Kent, in 1971, 1993, 1998, 2002, 2003 and 2005. (The Duke of Kent is still alive, but it's William's duty now.)

The Queen, now 91 years old but showing no signs of slowing down, also awarded the World Cup to England Captain Bobby Moore at the old Wembley Stadium in 1966. She has admitted to being an Arsenal fan, as were her parents before her (George VI and the woman my generation knew as Elizabeth the Queen Mother -- who lived to be 101 and was still making public appearances, with canes but still upright and mentally with it, near the end).

But she hasn't handed the FA Cup out for a long time, and never gave it to an Arsenal Captain; the Gunners just weren't very good at the time. Prince Charles, now 68 and still heir to the throne, has admitted to being a fan of Lancashire side Burnley, which got relegated this season.

William, next in line after his father Charles, is an Aston Villa fan: He didn't like that most of his friends sided with the obvious clubs, such as Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United or Chelsea, so he went with an underdog club. (Villa have a decent history, but they haven't done much in the last 30 years.) His brother, Prince Harry, is an Arsenal fan. 

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These men scored the goals that won FA Cup Finals.

Year, name of scorer, club (location, if said club has not already been mentioned), uniform number (or the number that would have corresponded to his position prior to 1930), minute of the game of the scoring of the goal that assured his team would have more than the opposition.

"ST" means stoppage time, also known as injury time: Time that the referee adds on, at the end of each half, to make up for game time missed due to any stoppage, such as to care for an injury, to address fouls, or for time-wasting; it is added at his discretion, and the number of minutes is a minimum and can have additional time added. "ET" means extra time, what North American sports would call "overtime."

Some of the spellings of these names -- of players and of clubs -- may seem odd. Rest assured, I have checked them, and they are correct.

Although Britain entered World War I in August 1914, the League season and Cup tournament that were soon to begin were allowed to play out until May 1915. Then football was suspended for the duration. The war ended in November 1918, but this was considered too late to reorganize for a 1918-19 season, and so that season was not played. The 1919-20 season began on time.

Britain entered World War II in September 1939, and the League season and Cup tournament that had already begun were called off. League football was suspended for the duration, but "Football League War Cup" tournaments were played, and I have included the scorers of the winning goals in this list. The war ended in August 1945, too late to reorganize a new League season for 1945-46, but an FA Cup tournament was organized and held in its entirety. The 1946-47 season began on time. After the troops came home from each World War, attendances skyrocketed, and the game became more popular than ever.

1872 Morton Betts, Wanderers (London), 7, 15th
1873 Arthur Kinnaird, Wanderers, 10, 27th
1874 Charles Mackarness, Oxford University, 2, 10th
1875 William Stafford, Royal Engineers, 8, time of goal unknown
1876 Charles Wollaston, Wanderers, 6, 30th
1877 William Lindsay, Wanderers, 3, 86th
1878 Arthur Kinnaird, Wanderers, 4, 35th
1879 Charles Clerke, Old Etonians (Eton, Berkshire), 6, 59th

1880 Clopton Lloyd-Jones, Clapham Rovers (South London), 11, time unknown
1881 Edwards Wynyard, Old Carthusians (Godalming, Surrey), 9, time unknown
1882 Reginald Macaulay, Old Etonians, 8, 8th
1883 Jimmy Costley, Blackburn Olympic (Lancashire), 10, time unknown but was in ET
1884 Jimmy Forest, Blackburn Rovers (Lancashire), 5, approximately 35th
1885 Jimmy Forest, Blackburn Rovers, 6, time unknown
1886 Joe Sowerbutts (his real name), Blackburn Rovers, 9, time unknown
1887 Archie Hunter, Aston Villa (Birmingham), 9, time unknown
1888 Jem Bayliss, West Bromwich Albion (West Midlands), 9, time unknown
1889 Fred Dewhurst, Preston North End (Lancashire), 10, 15th

1890 Nat Walton, Blackburn Rovers, 10, 10th
1891 Jack Southworth, Blackburn Rovers, 9 time unknown
1892 Jasper Geddes, West Bromwich Albion, 10, time unknown
1893 Harry Allen, Wolverhampton Wanderers (West Midlands), 5, 60th
1894 James Logan, Notts County (Nottingham), 9, time unknown
1895 Bob Chatt, Aston Villa, 8, 1st (30 seconds)
1896 Fred Spiksley, Sheffield Wednesday (Yorkshire), 11, 18th
1897 Jimmy Crabtree, Aston Villa, 6, 44th
1898 Arthur Capes, Nottingham Forest, 10, 42nd
1899 Billy Beer, Sheffield United, 8, 65th

1900 Jasper McLuckie, Bury (Lancashire, now in Greater Manchester), 9, 9th
1901 Tom Smith, Tottenham Hotspur (Middlesex, didn't get put in London until 1965), 7, 76th
1902 Billy Barnes, Sheffield United (Yorkshire), 7, 79th
1903 George Ross, Bury, 6, 20th
1904 Billy Meredith, Manchester City (Lancashire, now in Greater Manchester), 7, 23rd
1905 Harry Hampton, Aston Villa, 9, 2nd
1906 Sandy Young, Everton (Lancashire, now in Merseyside), 9, 77th
1907 George Simpson, Sheffield Wednesday, 11, 86th
1908 George Hedley, Wolverhampton Wanderers, 9, 43rd
1909 Sandy Turnbull, Manchester United (Lancashire, now in Greater Manchester), 10, 22nd

1910 Albert Shepherd, Newcastle United (Northumberland, now in Tyne and Wear), 9, 52nd
1911 Jimmy Speirs, Bradford City (Yorkshire), 8, 15th
1912 Harry Tufnell, Barnsley (Yorkshire), 8, 118th (ET)
1913 Tommy Barber, Aston Villa, 4, 78th
1914 Bert Freeman, Burnley (Lancashire), 9, 57th
1915 James Simmons, Sheffield United, 7, 36th
1916 Tournament canceled due to World War I
1917 Tournament canceled due to World War I
1918 Tournament canceled due to World War I
1919 Tournament canceled due to World War I

1920 Billy Kirton, Aston Villa, 8, 100th (ET)
1921 Jimmy Dimmock, Tottenham Hotspur, 11, 53rd
1922 Billy Smith, Huddersfield Town (Yorkshire), 11, 67th (penalty)
1923 David Jack (future Arsenal star), Bolton Wanderers (Lancashire), 8, 2nd
1924 Neil Harris (not the actor), Newcastle United, 9, 83rd
1925 Fred Tunstall, Sheffield United, 11, 30th
1926 David Jack, Bolton Wanderers, 9, 76th
1927 Hughie Ferguson, Cardiff City (Wales), 9 74th
1928 Tommy McLean, Blackburn Rovers, 10, 22nd
1929 Billy Butler, Bolton Wanderers, 7, 79th

1930 Alex James, Arsenal (North London), 10, 16th
1931 W.G. "Ginger" Richardson, West Bromwich Albion, 9, 58th
1932 Jack Allen, Newcastle United, 9, 72nd
1933 Jimmy Stein, Everton, 11, 41st
1934 Fred Tilson, Manchester City, 11, 74th
1935 Ellis Rimmer, Sheffield Wednesday, 11, 85th
1936 Ted Drake, Arsenal, 9, 74th
1937 Raich Carter, Sunderland, 8, 72nd
1938 George Mutch, Preston North End, 8, 119th (ET, penalty)
1939 John Anderson, Portsmouth, 9, 43rd

1940 Sam Small, West Ham United (East London), 7, 34th
1941 Robert Beattie, Preston North End, number and time unknown
1942 Frank Broome, Wolverhampton Wanderers, 7, 51st
1943 Blackpool, scorer, number and time unknown
1944 Charlton Athletic & Aston Villa drew 1-1, replay canceled due to war-related issues
1945 Bolton Wanderers, scorer, number and time unknown
1946 Peter Doherty (not the singer), Derby County, 10, 92nd (ET)
1947 Chris Duffy, Charlton Athletic (South London), 11, 114th (ET)
1948 Stan Pearson, Manchester United, 10, 80th
1949 Jessie Pye, Wolverhampton Wanderers, 9, 42nd

1950 Reg Lewis, Arsenal, 10, 18th
1951 Jackie Milburn, Newcastle United, 9, 40th
1952 George Robledo, Newcastle United, 84th
1953 Bill Perry, Blackpool, 11, 92nd (ST)
1954 Frank Griffin, West Bromwich Albion, 7, 87th
1955 Bobby Mitchell (not the American football star), Newcastle United, 11, 52nd
1956 Bobby Johnstone, Manchester City, 7, 62nd
1957 Peter McParland, Aston Villa, 11, 73rd
1958 Nat Lofthouse, Bolton Wanderers, 9, 3rd
1959 Tommy Wilson (not the music producer), Nottingham Forest, 9, 14th

1960 Mick McGrath, Blackburn Rovers, 6, 41st, own goal to Wolverhampton Wanderers
1961 Bobby Smith, Tottenham Hotspur, 9, 66th
1962 Bobby Smith, Tottenham Hotspur, 9, 51st
1963 David Herd (former Arsenal star), Manchester United, 9, 57th
1964 Ronnie Boyce, West Ham United, 8, 90th
1965 Ian St. John, Liverpool, 9, 113th (ET)
1966 Derek Temple, Everton, 11, 74th
1967 Frank Saul, Tottenham Hotspur (now, finally, in North London), 11, 67th
1968 Jeff Astle, West Bromwich Albion, 9, 93rd (ET)
1969 Neil Young (not the singer), Manchester City, 10, 24th

1970 David Webb, Chelsea (West London), 6, 104th (ET)
1971 Charlie George, Arsenal, 11, 111th (ET)
1972 Allen Clarke, Leeds United (Yorkshire), 8, 53rd
1973 Ian Porterfield, Sunderland, 10, 51st
1974 Kevin Keegan, Liverpool, 7, 57th
1975 Alan Taylor, West Ham United, 9, 60th
1976 Bobby Stokes, Southampton, 11, 83rd
1977 Jimmy Greenhoff, Manchester United, 8, 55th
1978 Roger Osborne, Ipswich Town, 7, 77th
1979 Alan Sunderland, Arsenal, 8, 89th

1980 Trevor Brooking, West Ham United, 10, 13th
1981 Ricky Villa, Tottenham Hotspur, 5, 76th
1982 Glenn Hoddle, Tottenham Hotspur, 10, 6th (penalty)
1983 Bryan Robson, Manchester United, 7, 25th
1984 Graeme Sharp, Everton, 9, 38th
1985 Norman Whiteside, Manchester United, 4, 110th (ET)
1986 Craig Johnston, Liverpool, 8, 62nd
1987 Gary Mabbutt, Tottenham Hotspur, 6, 95th (ET), own goal to Coventry City (West Midlands)
1988 Lawrie Sanchez, Wimbledon (South London), 10, 37th
1989 Ian Rush, Liverpool, 14 (usually 9), 104th

1990 Lee Martin, Manchester United, 3, 59th
1991 Des Walker, Nottingham Forest, 4, 94th (ET), own goal to Tottenham Hotspur
1992 Michael Thomas (former Arsenal star), Liverpool, 11, 47th
1993 Andy Linighan, Arsenal, 5, 119th (ET)
1994 Eric Cantona, Manchester United, 7, 60th (penalty)
1995 Paul Rideout, Everton, 15, 30th
1996 Eric Cantona, Manchester United, 7, 85th
1997 Roberto Di Matteo, Chelsea, 16, 1 (42 seconds)
1998 Marc Overmars, Arsenal, 11, 23rd
1999 Teddy Sheringham, Manchester United, 10, 11th

2000 Roberto Di Matteo, Chelsea, 16, 73rd
2001 Michael Owen, Liverpool, 10, 88th
2002 Ray Parlour, Arsenal, 15, 70th
2003 Robert Pires, Arsenal, 7, 38th
2004 Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United, 7, 44th
2005 Patrick Vieira, Arsenal, 4, penalties
2006 John Arne Riise, Liverpool, 6, penalties
2007 Didier Drogba, Chelsea, 11, 116th (ET)
2008 Nwankwo Kanu (former Arsenal star), Portsmouth, 27 (previously 25), 37th
2009 Frank Lampard, Chelsea, 8, 72nd

2010 Didier Drogba, Chelsea, 11, 59th
2011 Yaya Toure, Manchester City, 42, 74th
2012 Didier Drogba, Chelsea, 11, 52nd
2013 Ben Watson, Wigan Athletic (Greater Manchester), 91st (ST)
2014 Aaron Ramsey, Arsenal, 16, 109th (ET)
2015 Theo Walcott, Arsenal, 14, 40th
2016 Jesse Lingard, Manchester United, 35, 111th (ET)
2017 Aaron Ramsey, Arsenal, 8 (he switched numbers), 79th

Scored the Cup-winning goal twice: 8 men, most recently Aaron Ramsey of Arsenal, 2014 & today.

Done it 3 times: Didier Drogba of Chelsea, 2007, '10 and '12.

Fastest: Bob Chatt, Aston Villa, 1895, 30 or so seconds.

Did it to his own team with an own goal: Mick McGrath, to Blackburn for Wolverhampton, 1960; Gary Mabbutt to Tottenham for Coventry, 1987; Des Walker, Nottingham Forest for Tottenham, 1991.

Latest in regular time: Bill Perry, Blackpool, 1953, 92nd minute.

Did it in extra time: 16 men, most recently Jesse Lingard, Manchester United, 2016.

Latest in extra time: George Mutch, Preston North End, 1938; and Andy Linighan, Arsenal, 1993; both in the 119th minute.

Did it with an in-game penalty: Billy Smith, Huddersfield, 1922; Mutch; Glenn Hoddle, Tottenham, 1982; and Eric Cantona, Manchester United, 1994. Did it during postgame penalties: Patrick Vieira, Arsenal, 2005; and John Arne Riise, Liverpool, 2006.

In 2009, Louis Saha of Everton scored 25 seconds into the game, the fastest FA Cup Final goal ever, but Everton went on to lose the game to Chelsea. Ffor those games where I've listed "time unknown," if it had been scored in the 1st minute, that fact surely would have been recorded.

Squad numbers were assigned to positions until 1993. The highest number allowed was 11 until substitutes were allowed, starting in the 1966-67 season, then 12 until 1986-87, then 14 with the allowance of a second sub, until 1993. The highest number yet worn by any player in an FA Cup Final is 45, by Mario Balotelli of Manchester City in 2011. The 42 worn in the same game by winning goalscorer Yaya Toure would have broken the record had Balotelli not played.

Roberto DiMatteo is the only non-playing manager to have both scored an FA Cup-winning goal and managed an FA Cup-winning team.

Jimmy Forest never played for Nottingham Forest. Alan Sunderland never played for Sunderland. Ricky Villa never played for Aston Villa. And, as the joke goes, Danny Shittu never played for Tottenham. (He bounced around, playing more games for West London's Queens Park Rangers than anyone else.) Then again, he never won the FA Cup, either.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Graham Taylor, 1944-2017

So much of sports is about respect. You either have it, or you don't. Maybe you had it once, and are trying to get it back.

Graham Taylor took a team nobody outside its home region knew, and made it respected around the world. That's a great tribute.

I wish it would be the thing for which he is best known, but it isn't. In the end, though, he turned out to be more respected than those who put him in that position -- figuratively and literally.

Graham Taylor (no middle name) was born on September 15, 1944 in Worksop, Nottinghamshire, in the East Midlands of England. In 1947, his family moved to Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire, where he met his eventual wife Rita Cowling (they would have 2 daughters), and apprenticed as a fullback with Scunthorpe United. He played 6 years with with Grimsby Town and 4 with Lincoln City, both Lincolnshire clubs, before a hip injury ended his playing career in 1972.

Lincoln City immediately named him manager, and, at 28, he was the youngest manager in the entire Football League. (The League's Division One became the Premier League in 1992.) In 1976, he managed them to the Division Four title, and thus promotion to Division Three.

In June 1977, singer Elton John, having bought his hometown club of Watford, needed a new manager to get the Hertfordshire side out of Division Four. On the advice of Don Revie, the Leeds United legend who was then managing England, he signed Taylor. It worked faster than anyone could have imagined. Watford won Division Four in 1978. In 1979, he got them promoted out of Division Three, missing the title by 1 point.

The Hornets (so nicknamed because of their yellow shirts with black trim, although their badge features a stag, reflecting the "hart" of Hertfordshire) were nearly relegated from Division Two back to Division Three in 1980.

But Elton put some money into the club. In addition to the already-present goalkeeper Steve Sherwood and striker Luther Blissett (or, in proper Watfordese, The Great Luther Blissett), Taylor brought in former Arsenal Captain Pat Rice as right back, right winger Nigel Callaghan, midfielders Kenny Jackett and Les Taylor (whom his manager, no relation, called "a sniffer and a ratter"), and, best of all, left winger John Barnes. In 1980-81, Watford moved up to 9th place in Division Two. In 1981-82, they finished 2nd, and were promoted to Division One for the 1st time in the club's history.

In 1982-83, they stunned the soccer world. They began the season by beating Everton (the blue team in Liverpool) at home at Vicarage Road, and Southampton away. They went top of the League by beating West Bromwich Albion on September 11, wrecked Sunderland 8-0 on September 25, shocked FA Cup holders Tottenham Hotspur in North London on November 6, and went back to North London and beat Arsenal on November 27.

Unfortunately, on December 27, they lost to their arch-rivals from neighboring Bedfordshire, Luton Town. They closed the calendar year with a win over West Ham United that kept them 2nd, just 2 points behind mighty Liverpool. They tailed off in January as Liverpool surged, a 5-2 revenge over Luton not helping much, and finished 11 points ahead of Watford. But the Hornets did finish 2nd, as Blissett led the League with 27 goals.

After the season, AC Milan paid £1 million to bring Blissett to Italy. Taylor replaced him with Mo Johnston from Patrick Thistle in Scotland -- later to go back to Glasgow to play for Celtic, to France with Nantes, and then back to Glasgow as the 1st Catholic ever to play for Rangers, the club of militant Protestants and Unionists. (He played well, but was so despised by the Hun fans that he had to be sold after just 2 years.) 

Watford fell to 11th place in 1983-84, but their 2nd place finish the season before led them into their 1st European tournament, the UEFA Cup. A 3-0 home win allowed them to beat Germany's Kaiserlautern 4-3 on aggregate, and an extra-time win in Bulgaria pushed them past Levski Sofia, before they got knocked out in the 3rd Round by Sparta Prague.

They also roared to their 1st-ever FA Cup Final. In the 3rd Round, they were drawn away to hated Luton, but came away with a 2-2 draw, and then won a thrilling replay at Vicarage Road, 4-3. 'Orns (as the London accent might pronounce it) fans could be excused for calling that their favorite (or, rather, "favourite") game of all time.

They went to Southeast London to play Charlton Athletic in the 4th Round, and won 2-0. They hosted Brighton & Hove Albion in the 5th Round, and won 3-1. They won 3-1 away to Birmingham City in the Quarterfinal, then beat another apparent "team of destiny," Plymouth Argyle, 1-0 at Aston Villa's Villa Park in Birmingham in the Semifinal.

The Final was played in front of 100,000 fans at the original Wembley Stadium in West London. Everton hadn't won a major trophy in 14 years. Watford had been playing 103 years, and had never won a major trophy. Something had to give.

It nearly did, and Watford's way, in the 3rd minute, but Barnes just missed on a shot. Les Taylor (twice) and Johnston also had good chances to put the Hornets 1-0 up. It began to look like "the great god Graham Taylor," as Watford fans of the time called him, might pull off a miracle.

No such luck: Graeme Sharp scored off the post and in for Everton in the 38th minute, and in the 51st, Andy Gray crashed into Sherwood, and the ball went into the net, and the goal was given. We'll never know what would have happened if the goal had been correctly waved off, and the score had remained 1-0, but it was 2-0 Everton, and that was that. Watford fans are still bitter about that 2nd goal, and have despised Gray, now a commentator, ever since.

Graham Taylor got Watford back to the FA Cup Semifinals in 1986. In just 10 seasons, he had gotten them from the 4th Division to 2nd place in the 1st Division, to the 3rd Round of the UEFA Cup, and to 2 FA Cup Semifinals and a Final.

At the end of the 1986-87 season, Aston Villa were relegated. Management offered Taylor more money than he was making at Watford to get them back up, and he took the job. A win on the final day of the season got Villa promoted back to Division One -- and it was Watford that ended up relegated.

From 1988-89 to 2014-15, Watford would spend only 2 seasons in the top flight: 1999-2000 and 2006-07. They got back up in 2015, and are now in their 2nd straight season in the Premier League.

In 1990, Taylor matched his Watford achievement by taking Villa to 2nd in Division One -- again, behind Liverpool, the difference being that John Barnes now played for Liverpool, after they'd bought him from Watford in 1987. His stock had never been higher.

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Then he was offered the England national team, following the retirement of Bobby Robson. And he made a terrible mistake. He took the job.

England lost only once in his 1st 23 games in charge, although that 1 loss was to arch-rival Germany at Wembley. But they struggled to qualify for Euro 92, and were a disaster there, with scoreless draws to eventual winners Denmark and France, and a 2-1 loss to host Sweden.

It got worse. Substituting Gary Lineker late in the Sweden match proved unpopular, and The Sun, the worst newspaper in the English language, started calling him "Turnip Taylor." Cutting Edge, a series on the British network Channel 4, did a documentary on him, titled An Impossible Job. It was a fair title: Since 1966 World Cup-winning coach Alf Ramsey was sacked in 1974, the job had gone to Revie, West Ham Cup-winner Ron Greenwood, and Robson, and neither had gotten closer to either the World Cup or the Euro title than Robson's 1990 World Cup Semifinal.

A 1-1 draw away to Poland had the cameras catching Taylor saying, "Do I not like that" between a defensive lapse and Poland's subsequent goal; and, later in the game, asking, "Can we not knock it?" A 2-0 loss away to Norway led to the headlines "NORSE MANURE" and "OSLO RANS."
The most familiar photograph, a still from An Impossible Job

The key game was away to the Netherlands. Taylor, no stranger to the use of profanity, heard an English fan yell a racial slur at Barnes, and he walked over and yelled back, "You're talking about another human being, so just watch your language!" Perhaps that would have earned him praise had England won the game. They didn't, losing 2-0. On November 23, 1993, with qualification for the 1994 World Cup denied -- the only one England hasn't qualified for since 1978 -- Taylor resigned, with The Sun giving the headline "THERE'S YER ALLOTMENT," and again depicting Taylor as a turnip on the front page.

An impossible job? Since Taylor, England managers have included Terry Venables (Semifinal of Euro 96), Glenn Hoddle (Quarterfinal of 1998 World Cup), Kevin Keegan (bad Euro 2000), Sven-Goran Eriksson (best performance, Quarterfinal of 2006 World Cup), Steve McClaren, Fabio Capello (flop at the 2010 World Cup), Roy Hodgson (disaster at the 2014 World Cup and Euro 2016) and Sam Allardyce (forced to resign after 1 game last year due to corruption). Gareth Southgate now has the job going into the 2018 World Cup. Good luck, Gareth: You're gonna need it.

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In March 1994, Taylor was hired to manage Birmingham-area club Wolverhampton Wanderers, a.k.a. Wolves. He got them to the 2nd division Playoff and the Quarterfinal of the FA Cup. But the 1994-95 season didn't work out, and he resigned early the next season.

Elton John had sold Watford, but had bought them back, and gave Taylor a second act at the club as well. He got them promoted from the 3rd division to the 2nd in 1998, and back to the Premier League in 1999 -- for the aforementioned 1999-2000 season. So in 1977, Taylor was a nobody; in 1982, he was a genius; in 1990, he was an even bigger genius; in 1993, he was an idiot; and in 1999, he was a genius again.
Captain Fantastic and his First Officer

But it didn't last, and after just 1 season in the Premier League, Watford were left in the dust by the world's best soccer players, and were relegated. Taylor retired halfway through the 2000-01 season. He came back for a 2nd run with Villa, but finished only 16th in 2003, and resigned.

For the next season, he came full circle, being named vice president of his hometown club, Scunthorpe United. He saved them from relegation, and got them promoted from the 4th to the 2nd division. In 2009, Watford brought him back as chairman, and he served as such until 2012.

He remained an honorary life president at Watford. He was a commentator on BT Sport (British Telecom), and a supporter of charities for veterans and the handicapped.
Graham Taylor died yesterday, in Lincoln, apparently of a heart attack. He was 72 years old. His former players and managing opponents stepped up to testify to his effect on the game:

Current England manager Gareth Southgate, who played on that troubled 1993 England team: "Graham was a fantastic football person. I know from my time at Aston Villa how he was revered there at the club for a fantastic spell as manager. He cared about football, he had a passion for England."

Former Tottenham star Paul Gascoigne, who also played on the 1993 England team: "I'm deeply sorry to hear about Graham Taylor. He will be a miss, and his enthusiasm for life and football was incredible."


Former Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson: "Graham was one of the old school managers. I have very fond memories. He was approachable, open and honest. If he could help you in any way, he always would."

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger: "He had big passion, and he was competent and absolutely focused on the game. It was a very sad day for English football. He was an honest, educated man. Pat Rice had him as a manager, and spoke to me about how passionate and interesting it was to work under him at Watford."


Former Manchester United and Ireland national team star Paul McGrath, who played for Taylor at Villa, on Twitter: "Devastated to hear of Graham's sad passing, what a gentleman. In my darkest days himself and Rita were always there for me #RipGrahamAHero"


Former Manchester United star Steve Bruce, now the manager at Aston Villa: "I am, like everybody else, in total shock. I have two close members of my staff who played for him for a number of years in Tony Coton and Tommy Mooney. Of course there are people on the staff who worked with him for years. The one thing that shines out above anything is what a very, very good human being he was and a delight to work for."


Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe: "My first team that I watched was Watford. I lived in Chesham and was born in Amersham, so very close to Watford. He was probably the first manager who inspired me, without really knowing it. That would have been in the early 1980s that I would go there, not necessarily regularly, but to see the fantastic team that he produced in the First Division at the time."


Current Watford star Troy Deeney: "I don't think I have enough words to express the gratitude and respect everyone at Watford Football Club has for him."

The new Wembley Stadium, lit up in tribute

Graham Taylor inspired teams, and he inspired tributes. Would he like that.


UPDATE: He was buried in the cemetery at St. Mary's Church in Watford.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

FA Cup-Winning Goalscorers, 1872-2015

Yesterday, Arsenal won the Football Association Cup for a record 12th time, 2nd in a row. The North London giants beat Birmingham-based Aston Villa, 4-0, at the new Wembley Stadium in West London.

Theo Walcott, injured in the 3rd Round last season and unable to play in the remainder of the season, including the Final, scored the opener near the end of the 1st half. The joy on his face was obvious: Although he'd scored in that 3rd Round game before his injury, he so badly wanted to be a part of the tournament win; this time, he was the biggest part of it. He's scored more goals and made more appearances for Arsenal than any current member of the club, but this was far and away the biggest moment in his career.

Goals were scored in the 2nd half by Alexis Sanchez (who'd been anonymous in several big games despite scoring lots of goals in smaller ones, but hit a screamer after scoring both Arsenal goals in the Semifinal against Berkshire side Reading), Per Mertesacker (the German-born defender and Captain using his 6-foot-6 height to score a header), and Olivier Giroud (the much-maligned, and unfairly so, French striker, having come on as a substitute for Walcott, sidefooting in a shot in stoppage time).

Last year's hero, extra-time goalscorer Aaron Ramsey, really wanted to be the hero again, as he had several shots on goal, but none quite made it in. He got frustrated. But he still got his 2nd FA Cup winner's medal.

Wojciech Szczesny, benched for last year's Final in favor of his fellow Pole Lukasz Fabianski, this time got the start in place of the 2nd half of the season's usual starter, Colombia native David Ospina, and kept a clean sheet. He had no sensational saves, but had a few nice ones. He may well have redeemed himself.

I am very pleased that the 2 biggest heroes of this Final were guys who didn't play in last year's Final, Walcott and Szczesny. Jack Wilshere, like Walcott injured and unable to play in last year's Final, came on as a substitute, and got his winner's medal.

Arsene Wenger has now managed 6 FA Cup wins, more than any manager ever. He truly gambled by benching Giroud for Walcott. As the smart Arsenal fans say, "Arsene Knows." (The dumb ones still want him out. I guess trophies are no longer what matter to them.)

It was the 1st time Arsenal had ever scored 4 goals in the final of any cup tournament, other than the 1970 Inter-Cities Fairs Cup (forerunner of today's Europa League), and that was over 2 legs (losing 3-1 to Anderlecht in Brussels, Belgium, and then beating them 3-0 in London, for a 4-3 aggregate win).

Villa haven't won the Cup since 1957. This was their 1st appearance in the FA Cup Final since 2000, when they lost to Chelsea, in the last Final played at the old Wembley Stadium, which opened in April 1923, the same month as the old Yankee Stadium.

Like that stadium, the old Wembley was replaced with a new one. Unlike the new Yankee Stadium, which was built across the street from the old one, the new Wembley was built on the site of the old one, a process that took 7 years, meaning that 6 Finals were moved to the next-biggest stadium in the British Isles, the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales. (Prior to 1923, the Final was usually held in London, although there were exceptions.)

Shay Given, of Ireland, was 22 when he started in goal for North-East club Newcastle United against Arsenal in the Final at the old Wembley in 1998. Yesterday, at 39, he started in goal for Aston Villa against Arsenal in the Final at the new Wembley. Don't blame the loss on him: He defied his age, making 4 outstanding saves, and essentially kept Villa in the game until Alexis' unstoppable net-seeking missile made it 2-0.

Indeed, Villa did not play poorly. They worked hard, and even in the brief amount of time left after Giroud's goal, they did not hang their heads and act like a beaten team. They weren't humiliated, they were simply defeated by a better team. And even that wasn't truly assured until Mertesacker iced it.

The trophy was handed out by the President of the FA -- Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, grandson of Queen Elizabeth II. William also handed it out to Arsenal last year. Previously, Arsenal have received the Cup from King George V in 1930, King George VI in 1936 and 1950, Prince Charles in 1979, and Prince George, Duke of Kent, in 1971, 1993, 1998, 2002, 2003 and 2005. (The Duke of Kent is still alive, but it's William's duty now.)

The Queen, now 89 years old but showing no signs of slowing down, also awarded the World Cup to England Captain Bobby Moore at the old Wembley Stadium in 1966. She has admitted to being an Arsenal fan, as were her parents before her (George VI and the woman my generation knew as Elizabeth the Queen Mother -- who lived to be 101 and was still making public appearances, with canes but still upright and mentally with it, near the end).

But she hasn't handed the FA Cup out for a long time, and never gave it to an Arsenal Captain; the Gunners just weren't very good at the time. Prince Charles, now 66 and still heir to the throne, has admitted to being a fan of Lancashire side Burnley, which got relegated this season.

William, next in line after his father Charles, is an Aston Villa fan: He didn't like that most of his friends sided with the obvious clubs, such as Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United or Chelsea, so he went with an underdog club. (Villa have a decent history, but they haven't done much in the last 30 years.) His brother, Prince Harry, is an Arsenal fan. I wonder what dinner was like last night.

William's wife, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, formerly Kate Middleton, recently gave birth to Princess Charlotte, a year and a half after the birth of Prince George, who was born at the start of the 2013-14 season.

She has now had a baby in every season that Arsenal have reached (and won) the FA Cup Final since the new Wembley opened. For her sake, I hope that's just a coincidence!

*

These men scored the goals that won FA Cup Finals.

Year, name of scorer, club (location, if club has not already been mentioned), uniform number (or the number that would have corresponded to his position prior to 1930), minute of the game of the scoring of the goal that assured his team would have more than the opposition. "ST" means stoppage time, also known as injury time: Time that the referee adds on, at the end of each half, to make up for game time missed due to any stoppage, such as to care for an injury, to address fouls, or for time-wasting; it is added at his discretion, and the number of minutes is a minimum and can have additional time added. "ET" means extra time, what North American sports would call overtime.

Some of the spellings of these names -- of players and of clubs -- may seem odd. Rest assured, I have checked them, and they are correct.

Although Britain entered World War I in August 1914, the League season and Cup tournament that were soon to begin were allowed to play out until May 1915. Then football was suspended for the duration. The war ended in November 1918, but this was considered too late to reorganize for a 1918-19 season, and so that season was not played. The 1919-20 season began on time.

Britain entered World War II in September 1939, and the League season and Cup tournament that had already begun were called off. League football was suspended for the duration, but "Football League War Cup" tournaments were played, and I have included the scorers of the winning goals in this list. The war ended in August 1945, too late to reorganize a new League season for 1945-46, but an FA Cup tournament was organized and held in its entirety. The 1946-47 season began on time. After the troops came home from each World War, attendances skyrocketed, and the game became more popular than ever.

1872 Morton Betts, Wanderers (London), 7, 15th
1873 Arthur Kinnaird, Wanderers, 10, 27th
1874 Charles Mackarness, Oxford University, 2, 10th
1875 William Stafford, Royal Engineers, 8, time of goal unknown
1876 Charles Wollaston, Wanderers, 6, 30th
1877 William Lindsay, Wanderers, 3, 86th
1878 Arthur Kinnaird, Wanderers, 4, 35th
1879 Charles Clerke, Old Etonians (Eton, Berkshire), 6, 59th

1880 Clopton Lloyd-Jones, Clapham Rovers (South London), 11, time unknown
1881 Edwards Wynyard, Old Carthusians (Godalming, Surrey), 9, time unknown
1882 Reginald Macaulay, Old Etonians, 8, 8th
1883 Jimmy Costley, Blackburn Olympic (Lancashire), 10, time unknown but was in ET
1884 Jimmy Forest, Blackburn Rovers (Lancashire), 5, approximately 35th
1885 Jimmy Forest, Blackburn Rovers, 6, time unknown
1886 Joe Sowerbutts (his real name), Blackburn Rovers, 9, time unknown
1887 Archie Hunter, Aston Villa (Birmingham), 9, time unknown
1888 Jem Bayliss, West Bromwich Albion (West Midlands), 9, time unknown
1889 Fred Dewhurst, Preston North End (Lancashire), 10, 15th

1890 Nat Walton, Blackburn Rovers, 10, 10th
1891 Jack Southworth, Blackburn Rovers, 9 time unknown
1892 Jasper Geddes, West Bromwich Albion, 10, time unknown
1893 Harry Allen, Wolverhampton Wanderers (West Midlands), 5, 60th
1894 James Logan, Notts County (Nottingham), 9, time unknown
1895 Bob Chatt, Aston Villa, 8, 1st (30 seconds)
1896 Fred Spiksley, Sheffield Wednesday (Yorkshire), 11, 18th
1897 Jimmy Crabtree, Aston Villa, 6, 44th
1898 Arthur Capes, Nottingham Forest, 10, 42nd
1899 Billy Beer, Sheffield United, 8, 65th

1900 Jasper McLuckie, Bury (Lancashire, now in Greater Manchester), 9, 9th
1901 Tom Smith, Tottenham Hotspur (Middlesex, didn't get put in London until 1965), 7, 76th
1902 Billy Barnes, Sheffield United (Yorkshire), 7, 79th
1903 George Ross, Bury, 6, 20th
1904 Billy Meredith, Manchester City (Lancashire, now in Greater Manchester), 7, 23rd
1905 Harry Hampton, Aston Villa, 9, 2nd
1906 Sandy Young, Everton (Lancashire, now in Merseyside), 9, 77th
1907 George Simpson, Sheffield Wednesday, 11, 86th
1908 George Hedley, Wolverhampton Wanderers, 9, 43rd
1909 Sandy Turnbull, Manchester United (Lancashire, now in Greater Manchester), 10, 22nd

1910 Albert Shepherd, Newcastle United (Northumberland, now in Tyne and Wear), 9, 52nd
1911 Jimmy Speirs, Bradford City (Yorkshire), 8, 15th
1912 Harry Tufnell, Barnsley (Yorkshire), 8, 118th (ET)
1913 Tommy Barber, Aston Villa, 4, 78th
1914 Bert Freeman, Burnley (Lancashire), 9, 57th
1915 James Simmons, Sheffield United, 7, 36th
1916 Tournament canceled due to World War I
1917 Tournament canceled due to World War I
1918 Tournament canceled due to World War I
1919 Tournament canceled due to World War I

1920 Billy Kirton, Aston Villa, 8, 100th (ET)
1921 Jimmy Dimmock, Tottenham Hotspur, 11, 53rd
1922 Billy Smith, Huddersfield Town (Yorkshire), 11, 67th (penalty)
1923 David Jack (future Arsenal star), Bolton Wanderers (Lancashire), 8, 2nd
1924 Neil Harris (not the actor), Newcastle United, 9, 83rd
1925 Fred Tunstall, Sheffield United, 11, 30th
1926 David Jack, Bolton Wanderers, 9, 76th
1927 Hughie Ferguson, Cardiff City (Wales), 9 74th
1928 Tommy McLean, Blackburn Rovers, 10, 22nd
1929 Billy Butler, Bolton Wanderers, 7, 79th

1930 Alex James, Arsenal (North London), 10, 16th
1931 W.G. Richardson, West Bromwich Albion, 9, 58th
1932 Jack Allen, Newcastle United, 9, 72nd
1933 Jimmy Stein, Everton, 11, 41st
1934 Fred Tilson, Manchester City, 11, 74th
1935 Ellis Rimmer, Sheffield Wednesday, 11, 85th
1936 Ted Drake, Arsenal, 9, 74th
1937 Raich Carter, Sunderland, 8, 72nd
1938 George Mutch, Preston North End, 8, 119th (ET, penalty)
1939 John Anderson, Portsmouth, 9, 43rd

1940 Sam Small, West Ham United (East London), 7, 34th
1941 Robert Beattie, Preston North End, number and time unknown
1942 Frank Broome, Wolverhampton Wanderers, 7, 51st
1943 Blackpool, scorer, number and time unknown
1944 Charlton Athletic & Aston Villa drew 1-1, replay canceled due to war-related issues
1945 Bolton Wanderers, scorer, number and time unknown
1946 Peter Doherty (not the singer), Derby County, 10, 92nd (ET)
1947 Chris Duffy, Charlton Athletic (South London), 11, 114th (ET)
1948 Stan Pearson, Manchester United, 10, 80th
1949 Jessie Pye, Wolverhampton Wanderers, 9, 42nd

1950 Reg Lewis, Arsenal, 10, 18th
1951 Jackie Milburn, Newcastle United, 9, 40th
1952 George Robledo, Newcastle United, 84th
1953 Bill Perry, Blackpool, 11, 92nd (ST)
1954 Frank Griffin, West Bromwich Albion, 7, 87th
1955 Bobby Mitchell (not the American football star), Newcastle United, 11, 52nd
1956 Bobby Johnstone, Manchester City, 7, 62nd
1957 Peter McParland, Aston Villa, 11, 73rd
1958 Nat Lofthouse, Bolton Wanderers, 9, 3rd
1959 Tommy Wilson (not the music producer), Nottingham Forest, 9, 14th

1960 Mick McGrath, Blackburn Rovers, 6, 41st, own goal to Wolverhampton Wanderers
1961 Bobby Smith, Tottenham Hotspur, 9, 66th
1962 Bobby Smith, Tottenham Hotspur, 9, 51st
1963 David Herd (former Arsenal star), Manchester United, 9, 57th
1964 Ronnie Boyce, West Ham United, 8, 90th
1965 Ian St. John, Liverpool, 9, 113th (ET)
1966 Derek Temple, Everton, 11, 74th
1967 Frank Saul, Tottenham Hotspur (now, finally, in North London), 11, 67th
1968 Jeff Astle, West Bromwich Albion, 9, 93rd (ET)
1969 Neil Young (not the singer), Manchester City, 10, 24th

1970 David Webb, Chelsea (West London), 6, 104th (ET)
1971 Charlie George, Arsenal, 11, 111th (ET)
1972 Allen Clarke, Leeds United (Yorkshire), 8, 53rd
1973 Ian Porterfield, Sunderland, 10, 51st
1974 Kevin Keegan, Liverpool, 7, 57th
1975 Alan Taylor, West Ham United, 9, 60th
1976 Bobby Stokes, Southampton, 11, 83rd
1977 Jimmy Greenhoff, Manchester United, 8, 55th
1978 Roger Osborne, Ipswich Town, 7, 77th
1979 Alan Sunderland, Arsenal, 8, 89th

1980 Trevor Brooking, West Ham United, 10, 13th
1981 Ricky Villa, Tottenham Hotspur, 5, 76th
1982 Glenn Hoddle, Tottenham Hotspur, 10, 6th (penalty)
1983 Bryan Robson, Manchester United, 7, 25th
1984 Graeme Sharp, Everton, 9, 38th
1985 Norman Whiteside, Manchester United, 4, 110th (ET)
1986 Craig Johnston, Liverpool, 8, 62nd
1987 Gary Mabbutt, Tottenham Hotspur, 6, 95th (ET), own goal to Coventry City (West Midlands)
1988 Lawrie Sanchez, Wimbledon (South London), 10, 37th
1989 Ian Rush, Liverpool, 14 (usually 9), 104th

1990 Lee Martin, Manchester United, 3, 59th
1991 Des Walker, Nottingham Forest, 4, 94th (ET), own goal to Tottenham Hotspur
1992 Michael Thomas (former Arsenal star), Liverpool, 11, 47th
1993 Andy Linighan, Arsenal, 5, 119th (ET)
1994 Eric Cantona, Manchester United, 7, 60th (penalty)
1995 Paul Rideout, Everton, 15, 30th
1996 Eric Cantona, Manchester United, 7, 85th
1997 Roberto Di Matteo, Chelsea, 16, 1 (42 seconds)
1998 Marc Overmars, Arsenal, 11, 23rd
1999 Teddy Sheringham, Manchester United, 10, 11th

2000 Roberto Di Matteo, Chelsea, 16, 73rd
2001 Michael Owen, Liverpool, 10, 88th
2002 Ray Parlour, Arsenal, 15, 70th
2003 Robert Pires, Arsenal, 7, 38th
2004 Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United, 7, 44th
2005 Patrick Vieira, Arsenal, 4, penalties
2006 John Arne Riise, Liverpool, 6, penalties
2007 Didier Drogba, Chelsea, 11, 116th (ET)
2008 Nwankwo Kanu (former Arsenal star), Portsmouth, 27 (previously 25), 37th
2009 Frank Lampard, Chelsea, 8, 72nd

2010 Didier Drogba, Chelsea, 11, 59th
2011 Yaya Toure, Manchester City, 42, 74th
2012 Didier Drogba, Chelsea, 11, 52nd
2013 Ben Watson, Wigan Athletic (Greater Manchester), 91st (ST)
2014 Aaron Ramsey, Arsenal, 16, 109th (ET)
2015 Theo Walcott, Arsenal, 14, 40th

Scored the Cup-winning goal twice: 7 men, most recently Didier Drogba in 2010.
Done it 3 times: Drogba.
Fastest: Bob Chatt, 1895, 30 or so seconds.
Did it to his own team with an own goal: Mick McGrath, Gary Mabbutt, Des Walker.
Latest in regular time: Bill Perry, 1953, 92nd minute.
Did it in extra time: 16 men, most recently Aaron Ramsey in 2014.
Latest in extra time: George Mutch in 1938 and Andy Linighan in 1993, 119th minute.
Did it with an in-game penalty: Billy Smith, George Mutch, Glenn Hoddle and Eric Cantona.
Did it during postgame penalties: Patrick Vieira in 2005, John Arne Riise in 2006.

In 2009, Louis Saha of Everton scored 25 seconds into the game, the fastest FA Cup Final goal ever, but Everton went on to lose the game. For those games where I've listed "time unknown," if it had been scored in the 1st minute, that fact surely would have been recorded.

Squad numbers were assigned to positions until 1993. The highest number allowed was 11 until substitutes were allowed starting in the 1966-67 season, then 12 until 1986-87, then 14 with the allowance of a second sub, until 1993. The highest number yet worn by any player in an FA Cup Final is 45, by Mario Balotelli of Manchester City in 2011. The 42 worn in the same game by winning goalscorer Yaya Toure would have broken the record had Balotelli not played.

Roberto DiMatteo is the only non-playing manager to have both scored an FA Cup-winning goal and managed an FA Cup-winning team.

Jimmy Forest never played for Nottingham Forest. Alan Sunderland never played for Sunderland. Ricky Villa never played for Aston Villa. And Danny Shittu never played for Tottenham. (Old joke.)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

No World Cup for U.K., U.S.: Thanks a Lot, You Stupid Brummies!

Today, FIFA, the governing body for world soccer, awarded the 2018 World Cup to Russia, and the 2022 World Cup to Qatar.

England had been one of the favorites for 2018. Since 2010's was held in South Africa and 2014's will be held in the South American nation of Brazil, it was almost certain to go to somewhere in Europe. And that would have made 2022 sure to go to somewhere other than Europe, South America or Africa. That gave the U.S. and Australia a chance, seeing as how, like England (Great Britain, actually), they have most of the stadiums they need already in place, and strong economies.

Aside from the time difference (an 8 PM start time in Sydney would be a 10 AM in New York), I would've been just fine with Australia hosting it. They did a great job with the 2000 Olympics, and with the facilities they already have, they might not have had to build a single new stadium. It would have been economical, they've got a good transport system despite being a far-flung country (2,500 miles from Sydney to Perth), and with Australia being mostly British by descent anyway, the passionate home fan base is there. It would have been a fine choice, and I would've only been slightly disappointed at not getting it.

That said, I'm really glad it'll be in Brazil next time, only 2 time zones ahead of U.S. Eastern. South Africa did a good job hosting this summer, but it was a bad choice for me, time-wise. A lot further east, Australia would've been an even bigger reminder of why I'm glad it only happens once every 4 years, but they still would have been a far better host than the Russkies and the Sheiks.

Russia? Where Vladimir Putin – a dead ringer for horrible English referee Mike Dean – is first among equals among mobsters? And Eastern Europe is notorious for racism. And for lousy stadiums: Communism may have inspired some great literature and film, but their architecture stinks, especially their athletic facilities.

And Qatar? Home to 1.7 million people (fewer than the city of Houston, or England's Greater Manchester metropolitan area) and al-Jazeera? How many stadiums to they have built already, one? And it's a tiny country: Where are they gonna put said grounds? No booze, and women stay covered up? (In other words, Brazilian women will probably have to stay home, and a lot of other international babes will be rendered useless as well.)

Brazil 2014 will be The Last World Cup. Russia 2018 and Qatar 2022 may be called "World Cups," but FIFA have succeeded in making it a bigger joke than the Olympics. (Come to think of it, Brazil 2016 may be the last one of those worth watching, too.)

I'm disappointed with the U.S. not getting 2022, but I would have been fine with it if '18 and '22 had gone to countries not stuck in the 20th Century (Russia's gangarchy) or the 16th Century (and Qatar is considered liberal only by OPEC standards).

Who's to blame? Charges that FIFA can be bribed have been made before: A lot of people thought South Africa was going to get it for 2006, but it went to Germany instead. A nation with more money, and of course it's the homeland of FIFA President Sepp Blatter. The 2010 Cup was a consolation prize for South Africa, and they did a pretty good job, considering they're poor by comparison (although richer than most other African nations).

England (and thus America) getting stiffed might also have something to do with that Carling Cup Quarterfinal yesterday, a "derby" between the 2 teams of Birmingham, Birmingham City and Aston Villa, won by City 2-1, and at the end the City fans (a.k.a. "Brummies" or "Bluenoses") stormed the field. Sorry, forgot to speak English there: They invaded the pitch. And tore out seats.

The Zulu Army – so named because they were the 1st English hooligan firm to be racially integrated, and also because their original members loved the Michael Caine movie Zulu – lives. In the immortal words of Bowling for Soup, they're still preoccupied with 1985.

So, as an Arsenal fan and an American, I can only say... Thanks a lot, you stupid Brummies! If you hadn't torn up St. Andrews, which I thought you considered to be sacred ground, maybe England, and thus the U.S., would have had a fairer chance! Inbred cunts.

Let the record show that one of America's major steel cities, Birmingham, Alabama, was named for the English steelmaking city of the same name, except we pronounce it BIR-ming-ham, not BIRM-ing-um. As an industrial center, Birmingham, England became a producer of hard rock: Traffic with Steve Winwood, Ozzy Osbourne's original band Black Sabbath, and Judas Priest, whose breakthrough album (in 1980) was titled Britsh Steel and featured the immortal song "Breaking the Law."

I hated Priest as a kid. And Ozzy. And AC/DC, too. What can I say, I grew up. And the music that's come out since has been considerably lesser.

The most famous person from Brum, aside from politicians like Neville Chamberlain and England's answer to George Wallace, the contemptible Enoch "Rivers of Blood" Powell, is probably Ozzy. But he's a Villa fan. Hates the Bluenoses.

Maybe he's not as crazy as we thought.

Although, let's be honest: To answer Bowling for Soup's question, Ozzy became an actor in 1970, when he founded Black Sabbath. He's been playing the Prince of Darkness ever since.