Top 10 TV Characters You Wouldn't Want to Invite to a Holiday Dinner (Even Though They're Good Guys)

I'm not counting guys who think they're good guys, but really aren't, like Archie Bunker or Ray Barone's parents.

Honorable Mention: The Squad from Barney Miller. Never mind that they're law-enforcement officials, and thus always on call, and might have to leave early -- which would eliminate everyone from Joe Friday to Theo Kojak to Andy Sipowicz to Maggie Bell.

Barney (played by Hal Linden) and Stanley Wojciehowicz (Max Gail) would probably be okay. But Phil Fish (Abe Vigoda) would hog the bathroom. Nick Yemana (Jack Soo) would volunteer to bring some food, but you wouldn't want to eat it. And he'd bring coffee, but you wouldn't want to drink it.

Arthur Dietrich (Steve Landesberg) would talk all night long, and you'd never know if he was telling the truth. (He was like Cliff on Cheers, except he was actually smart.) Ron Harris (Ron Glass) would criticize everything, including everyone's clothes. Seriously, can you imagine Harris holding court on Christmas sweaters? And Frank Luger would spend the whole night lamenting how the holidays ain't the way they used to be.

10. Commander Spock (Leonard Nimoy), Star Trek. Vulcans don't eat meat. He would have enough class to not make a nuisance of himself over the serving of turkey, or whatever other meat you might provide. But he would probably tell you that stuffing the bird, when simply serving the stuffing as a side dish, is a waste of work, and, therefore, highly illogical.

9. The Full House Guys. Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) would be a noodge. Joey Gladstone (Dave Coulier) would act immature, and have to be put at the kids' table. And Jesse Katsopolis (John Stamos) would sing Christmas carols in character as Elvis.

8. Lucy Ricardo (Lucille Ball), I Love Lucy. Not only are there enough episodes to explain why she shouldn't be allowed to help cook, meaning she'd have some explaining to do; but she'd spend the dinner whining about how her husband Ricky (Desi Arnaz) wouldn't let her be a part of his float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

7. Any number of NCIS Special Agents. More law-enforcement people who would always be on call. With his need to dominate every situation, Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon) would want to carve the bird. With his own knife. And how often does he sterilize "Ol' Rule Number 9"? And in what? You'd probably want Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard (rest in peace, David McCallum) to carve: He's an expert with using a knife on dead things.

Don't involve Ziva David (Cote de Pablo): It's not that she's Jewish, and would want to celebrate Hanukkah along with Christmas. It's that she'd probably want to kill the turkey herself, and her choice of weapon might render it inedible. Also, don't invite Tony DiNozzo (Michael Weatherly): He'd spend the whole night talking about holiday movies, and bragging about his prowess in everything from fighting crime to his love life.

6. The Cartwright Sons, Bonanza. Not so much Adam (Pernell Roberts), but definitely Hoss, (Dan Blocker), and Little Joe (Michael Landon). Not only would Hoss eat more than anyone else, but you'd constantly be telling Joe to take his feet off the table.

5. Jack Tripper (John Ritter), Three's Company. At first, he seems like the ideal fictional character to invite. After all, he's a chef, and a good one. But he'd probably carry the turkey out, and trip, and drop it.

4. The Honeymooners Guys. Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) would eat everything he could, then be the first one to pass out on the sofa while watching football. And Ed Norton (Art Carney) would eat everything else, ask why nobody ever serves pizza at a holiday dinner, and then, annoyingly, never gain an ounce. But before that, he'd recommend a recipe he learned... while working in the sewer!

Also, don't let Ralph do any of the cooking. He once cooked for himself. Results: He turned the oven all the way up, so the chicken would cook faster, and he burned it; and he thought he didn't have enough rice, so he put the entire box in, and it boiled over.

3. Lieutenant Columbo (Peter Falk -- the character's first name was never mentioned), Columbo. Another cop for whom his job isn't the biggest issue. The real problem with Columbo is, you could put the full spread out in front of him, and everything would be good, and he would still say, "There's just one thing that bothers me. I can't get it out of my mind."

Which leads me to...

2. The Crane Brothers. Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer on Cheers and Frasier) and Dr. Niles Crane, (David Hyde Pierce on Frasier, once literally had this discussion:

Frasier: "What could be better than the perfect meal?"

Niles: "An otherwise perfect meal with one flaw, that we could talk about all night."

Which leads me to...

1. The Odd Couple. Felix Unger (Tony Randall) would criticize everything. But Oscar Madison (Jack Klugman) would be worse: He would put ketchup on everything, and spill most of it!

Top 10 TV Thanksgiving Episodes

"What are you, an animal?"

UPDATE: Through Thanksgiving 2023, I see no reason to change this list.

Honorable Mention. Barney Miller, "Thanksgiving Story," November 24, 1977. Mental patients have escaped from a private hospital, and are loose in an automat. Yes, they still had automats in New York, even as recently as 1992.

10. Home Improvement, "Thanksgiving," November 25, 1997. The Taylors are invited to watch the Detroit Lions' annual Thanksgiving Day game from a luxury box at the Silverdome. Tim is given a tour of the stadium, and, being himself, he manages to black out the building. Rodney Dangerfield has a cameo as another guest of the Taylors' skybox patron.

9. Bewitched, "Samantha's Thanksgiving to Remember," November 23, 1967. Aunt Clara accidentally transports the family back to Plymouth, Massachusetts in 1621, to observe the first Thanksgiving.

Except that it's the period where anyone in Massachusetts who behaved improperly was considered a witch. So who goes on trial for witchcraft? Not Samantha, who actually is a witch, but Darren. And Samantha ends up using her witch powers to prove him innocent.

8. Full House, "The Miracle of Thanksgiving," November 20, 1987. It's Danny's 1st Thanksgiving without his wife, and his daughters' 1st without their mother. He wants to make it extra special.

But Grandma Tanner can't make it. So Danny, Joey and Jesse want to make a reservation at a restaurant. Older daughters D.J. and Stephanie insist that they all make the dinner together at home. Hilarity ensues -- until they realize that baby Michelle finally realizes that Mommy is not coming back.

7. Happy Days, "The First Thanksgiving," November 21, 1978. Marion is unhappy that the rest of the Cunningham family would rather watch football on television than help with the dinner, so she tells them her version of the story of how the Pilgrims and the Indians came together for the first Thanksgiving in Plymouth, Massachusetts in 1621.

The various actors play period-specific versions of themselves, including Henry Winkler playing "the odd one," who seems to already be in good with the Natives. Because, even in the era of King James I, the Fonz is just that cool.

6. Cheers, "Thanksgiving Orphans," November 27, 1986. Everybody's got some reason or another to not spent the holiday with their families. So Diane invites them all to dinner -- at Carla's. Norm brings a huge frozen turkey, and when it takes forever to cook, Carla calls it "Birdzilla."

Bored and hungry, a food fight starts, which ends with Diane throwing a pie at Sam. He ducks, and it hits Norm's late-arriving wife Vera instead. As a result, Vera, making her 1st onscreen appearance after all her mentions, still doesn't show her face. She is played, uncredited, by Bernadette Birkett, the real-life wife of Norm's portrayer George Wendt.

5. ER, "Great Expectations," November 25, 1999. Carol goes into labor on Thanksgiving Day, and it gets complicated. This is the debut episode of Maura Tierney as Abby Lockhart.

4. The West Wing, "The Indians In the Lobby," November 21, 2001. For reasons of political correctness, this episode is sometimes referred to as "The Butterball Hotline." Two Native Americans refuse to leave the West Wing lobby until the President (or someone high up in the federal government) hears their grievance.

Josh has to both get to Florida, where his widowed mother is after moving from Connecticut, and convince a Georgia prosecutor not to seek the death penalty for a 13-year-old boy who killed his teacher.

President Bartlet tells everyone who will listen (and when your boss is the President, you will listen) how his family turkey is cooked, but is reminded that an improperly cooked turkey might kill his guests. "I'm not saying that's necessarily a dealbreaker." So Charlie tells him that the Butterball company has a hotline for answering cooking questions, and the President calls it, pretending to be a private citizen. He is also very annoyed that Bruno has taken a poll on where the First Family should spend Thanksgiving.

The previous season's Thanksgiving episode, "Shibboleth," is often held up as one of the best Thanksgiving episodes any TV series has ever had. I like this one better.

If you would actually like to call the Butterball Hotline, the number is 1-800-288-8372. Or, 1-800-BUTTERB(all). Be advised, though, that, just as Bartlet did, you may have to wait, as there are a limited number of operators/experts.

3. WKRP in Cincinnati, "Turkeys Away," October 30, 1978. Why did this air right before Halloween, instead of right before Thanksgiving? Anyway, Mr. Carlson thinks dropping turkeys out of a helicopter is a great Thanksgiving promotion. Live turkeys.

"As God is my witness," the Big Guy says, "I thought turkeys could fly!" Spoiler alert: Wild turkeys can, but domesticated, farm-produced turkeys, bred for human consumption, can't.

The top two aired on the same night, on the same network, NBC. Number 1, at 8:00 Eastern Time, one week before Thanksgiving, was immediately followed by Number 2 at 8:30.

2. Friends, "The One Where Underdog Gets Away," November 17, 1994. Ross and Monica's parents are going on a cruise for Thanksgiving, so instead of going to Long Island for the dinner, Monica decides to do it herself, at her apartment in Greenwich Village.

Joey can't spend Thanksgiving with his family on Staten Island, because an acting job he got goes awry. Chandler hates Thanksgiving because of something that happened as a boy.

In the middle of preparations, the Underdog balloon breaks away from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and they all go up to the roof to see it. When they get back, they discover that they're locked out.

Later Thanksgiving episodes would show Ross and Monica renewing their football rivalry (the Geller Bowl, competing for the Geller Cup), a confrontation between a pregnant Rachel and a high school rival (played by Jennifer Aniston's then-real-life-husband Brad Pitt), and a flashback episode that showed why Chandler hates Thanksgiving, how Chandler inspired Monica to lose 100 pounds, and how Monica's revenge for Chandler calling her fat not inadvertently cost Chandler a toe.

1. Mad About You, "Giblets for Murray," November 17, 1994. One of my very favorite episodes of any TV series, on any subject. It also aired an hour before the Seinfeld episode "The Mom & Pop Store," so that was one great night of television comedy.

Paul and Jamie are hosting Thanksgiving for the first time. Their families are driving them nuts. They admonish the Buchmans and the Stemples for their behavior, and remind them that they're adults and that they know what they're doing. Then they discover that Murray the dog has eaten the turkey.

So they have to get a replacement turkey. The one they actually serve is the 5th try. With each try, more family members learn the truth, until Paul's mother is the last to know -- and, normally a shrew who treats Paul like dirt and hates Jamie, she comes through in the end: "What? I never had a mother-in-law?"

The 4th turkey also proves, as had WKRP 16 years earlier, that turkeys don't fly.