Deserve's Got Everything To Do With It: 2023 Baseball Edition

Little Bill (about to be killed, played by Gene Hackman): "I don't deserve this!"

William Munny (Clint Eastwood): "Deserve's got nothing to do with it!"

-- Unforgiven

I don't always do this, but I should. And, with neither the Yankees, nor the Mets, nor the Red Sox in the Playoffs this year, I can be more objective than usual. Here are the baseball teams most deserving of postseason success, in ascending order.

12. Los Angeles Dodgers, National League Western Division Champions.

Pro: Aside from the Braves, probably the best all-around team in baseball. Great, historic ballpark, in a blue City in a blue State.

Con: The Treason of '57 must never be forgotten, or forgiven. So, any time they make the Playoffs, they are last. You want a less petty reason? Here it is: They won the World Series only 3 years ago. That's too recent to be one of the more deserving teams.

11. Houston Astros, American League Wild Card Team.

Pro: In spite of the whole world seeming to be against them, they keep winning, which shows some character. Also, despite being the 1st MLB franchise ever to use artificial turf, and despite now having a stadium with a retractable roof, they use real grass.

Con: They're the defending World Champions, and have won 2 World Series and 4 Pennants in the last 6 seasons coming into this one. That, alone, makes them less deserving that most of these teams: It's too soon. And that's before you consider their cheating. No, I don't mean "former" cheating. They have forfeited the presumption of innocence. Also, they're in Texas.

10. Miami Marlins, National League Wild Card Team.

Pro: Can't think of one. What, am I, a Yankee Fan, supposed to root for David Robertson to get a 2nd ring?

Con: Terrible stadium. Switched from real grass to artificial turf in 2020, despite the roof being retractable. Benefited from the breakup of the Montreal Expos. Last Pennant and World Series win was 20 years ago, and they cheated to get it. (Their leading player was steroid user Iván Rodríguez.) Also, it's Florida.

9. Tampa Bay Rays, American League Wild Card Team.

Pro: In 26 seasons, they've never won a World Series, having lost 2. That's about it. It's not like they have much-deserving players who haven't yet won.

Con: Classless organization. Stupid stadium with artificial turf. Horrible uniforms. Also, it's Florida.

8. Arizona Diamondbacks, National League Wild Card Team.

Pro: Blue State (barely). That's about it. The biggest name on their roster is Evan Longoria, who's been in the majors since 2008 and is 0-1 in World Series play. He's not exactly an enticing figure.

Con: Stupid stadium. Switched from real grass to artificial turf in 2019, despite the roof being retractable. Last Pennant and World Series win came 22 years ago, and they cheated to get it. (Steroid use by Luis Gonzalez and Matt Williams, and probably also by Curt Schilling.) 

7. Texas Rangers, American League Western Division Champions.

Pro: Good young team led by veteran Corey Seager, from the Dodgers' 2020 Champions. Haven't won a Pennant in 22 years, and have never won a World Series in 52 seasons of trying -- 63 seasons, if you count their previous tenure as the "new" Washington Senators.

Con: They represent Dallas. It's Texas. Also, stupid stadium with artificial turf despite the roof being retractable. And if Seager is their most deserving player, then that's not a compelling reason to watch them.

6. Toronto Blue Jays, American League Wild Card Team.

Pro: Haven't won a Pennant, or a World Series, in 30 years. Exciting young team with the sons of Vladimir Guerrero, Craig Biggio and Dante Bichette all having come good. Liberal City, Liberal Province, liberal country.

Con: Easily the whiniest team in baseball. Rotten uniforms. Stupid stadium, which has always had artificial turf, despite the roof being retractable.

5. Atlanta Braves, National League Eastern Division Champions.

Pro: A superbly balanced team, with Ronald Acuña Jr. having one of the most amazing seasons in baseball history: He batted .337, had 41 home runs, 106 RBIs, and 73 stolen bases. He didn't just join the 40/40 club, and apparently without cheating, but he founded the 40/50, 40/60 and 40/70 clubs! Yes, the new rules made this possible, but nobody else came close to these numbers. Nice ballpark, and in a Blue State.

Con: Won the World Series only 2 years ago. Also, moved their stadium from the majority-black city to the mostly-white suburbs. They've got a nice setup out there, but it's still bad form.

4. Philadelphia Phillies, National League Wild Card Team.

Pro: Great ballpark. Great city. Blue State. Does Bryce Harper deserve a ring? As the man himself would say, "That's a clown question, bro."

Con: Won the Pennant only last year. Won the World Series 15 years ago, which is comparatively recent.

3. Minnesota Twins, American League Central Division Champions.

Pro: Nice ballpark. Good city. Blue State. Last Pennant, and last World Series win, were a while back, 32 years. Indeed, unless you count the 4 WNBA titles won by the Minnesota Lynx, that 1991 World Series win remains Minnesota's last major league title in any sport.

Con: Can't think of one, although they're not a very interesting team. To me, the names that stick out the most are Sonny Gray, Joey Gallo and Dallas Keuchel -- and, as a Yankee Fan, I wouldn't advocate for a ring for any of them.

2. Baltimore Orioles, American League Eastern Division Champions.

Pro: An exciting young team that went from 110 losses to 101 wins in just 2 seasons. Great ballpark. Great city. Blue State. Last Pennant and last World Series win was 40 years ago. Even the ancient Israelites got to the Promised Land after 40 years.

Con: Sometimes, they wear bright orange jerseys, and they look terrible. That's about it.

1. Milwaukee Brewers, National League Central Division Champions.

Pro: Haven't won a Pennant in 41 years, have never won a World Series, and the city hasn't won a World Series in 66 years. It's time. Christian Yelich deserves a ring. Real grass despite a dome. Blue State.

Con: Can't think of one, unless you want to consider that they're still the team of Bud Selig.

There you go: If baseball were decided by which team deserves it most, the World Series would be won by the Milwaukee Brewers, over the Baltimore Orioles.