Where There's a Will, There's a Slap

"A slap in the face is a humiliation. To the back of the head is a wakeup call."

-- Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon), NCIS

A lot of jokes were told about Elizabeth Taylor. Richard Burton never slapped anybody over it.

Joan Rivers told a lot of those jokes. And a lot of people told jokes about her plastic surgery. Her husband, Edgar Stern, was still alive for a lot of it. He never slapped anybody over it.

Sean Penn was married to Madonna for a while. And he's known for hitting people. He once assaulted a photographer for taking unwanted pictures of them together. But she had a lot of jokes told about her, from Roseanne Barr to Julie Brown. (Not Downtown Julie Brown.) He never slapped anybody over it.

A lot of people have told jokes about Roseanne. Neither Tom Arnold nor any of her other husbands has ever slapped anybody over it.

Elton John wrote a song about Marilyn Monroe. Neither Joe DiMaggio nor Arthur Miller ever slapped him over it.

But Will Smith? He saw his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, freely admit that she cheated on him many times; and practically admit that her pre-Will boyfriend, rapper Tupac Shakur, remains the love of her life. And he's taken it all. But one silly joke from the host of the Academy Awards, and he decides it's slap-worthy?

Chris Rock stood there and took it. He never even went down.

Gentlemen, start your jokes. These four were mine:

* In my lifetime, the Oscar broadcast has gone from streaking to naked aggression. (In 1974, a streaker ran in front of David Niven as he was trying to present an award.)

* I guess New York really is tougher than Philly.

* Maybe Will would have appreciated the joke if the original G.I. Jane film hadn't been such a flop.

* If the left were as conspiracy-minded as the right is, we'd be saying Will Smith is a Russian asset, who did it to get people's minds of Vladimir Putin's war crimes in Ukraine.

Others:

* Howard Stern: "If Jason Momoa had made that joke, Will Smith, like a bitch, would have said, 'Thank you for acknowledging my wife, Mr. Momoa,'"

* Stern was also one of many, including myself, who noted that he slapped Chris Rock, not Dwayne Johnson, a.k.a. The Rock.

* Patton Oswalt, referencing the 2017 Awards, when La La Land was announced as the winner for Best Picture, even though the judges awarded it to Moonlight: "Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty must be texting like mad right now."

* Diedrich Bader, formerly of The Drew Carey Show: "As a minor celebrity I feel like I have 27-30 hours to do anything I want and no one will notice."

* Twitterer 

Titus, a darling joker

 

@hereliesthighs

: "It appears Will Smith’s marriage is open to everything except JOKES."

* Michael Harriot, writer for The Amber Ruffin Show: "Anyone who thinks this was staged has never seen Chris Rock act."

* Alanah Pearce, video game columnist, citing the theme song from Smith's sitcom, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: "You’re telling me he got in one little fight and everyone got scared????"

* And, I forget who said it: "Of course, Will hit Chris with an open hand. Paper beats Rock!"

And did anybody notice that Will Smith has gotten in more trouble for slapping a man 3 years older than Pedro Martinez got in for grabbing a man 40 years older by the head and throwing him to the ground?

*

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