Generation X Has Trust Issues

Somebody recently pointed out that my generation, "Generation X" -- usually defined as people born between 1965 and 1980 -- has trust issues.

You think so?

We are the children of the first generation of parents that decided it was okay to get divorced.

We were told that if we worked hard and graduated from high school, jobs would be easy to come by. By the time we got those precious diplomas, a college degree had become the prerequisite to get a good job.

The first President that Gen X can remember is Richard Nixon. He told us he was not a crook. He was one.

CBS told us Henry Blake was going home. He never made it out of Asia. They also told us J.R. Ewing had learned his lesson after getting shot. He hadn't. Then they tried to tell us Bobby Ewing was dead, and then showed us that he was still alive, and that him dying was all just a dream.

ABC told us to love Suzanne Somers. Then they fired her when she wanted to be paid as much as her male co-star John Ritter -- even after Ritter stood up for her.

Ronald Reagan told us he would balance the budget. He blew up the deficit. He told us he would create jobs. He did, for China and Saudi Arabia.

We were told greed is good. It wasn't, and it still isn't.

We were told that Bill Cosby, Pete Rose, O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Joe Paterno, Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson and Donald Trump were good guys. They weren't.

You better believe we have trust issues.

Top 10 TV Characters You Wouldn't Want to Invite to a Holiday Dinner (Even Though They're Good Guys)

I'm not counting guys who think they're good guys, but really aren't, like Archie Bunker or Ray Barone's parents.

Honorable Mention: The Squad from Barney Miller. Never mind that they're law-enforcement officials, and thus always on call, and might have to leave early -- which would eliminate everyone from Joe Friday to Theo Kojak to Andy Sipowicz to Maggie Bell.

Barney (played by Hal Linden) and Stanley Wojciehowicz (Max Gail) would probably be okay. But Phil Fish (Abe Vigoda) would hog the bathroom. Nick Yemana (Jack Soo) would volunteer to bring some food, but you wouldn't want to eat it. And he'd bring coffee, but you wouldn't want to drink it.

Arthur Dietrich (Steve Landesberg) would talk all night long, and you'd never know if he was telling the truth. (He was like Cliff on Cheers, except he was actually smart.) Ron Harris (Ron Glass) would criticize everything, including everyone's clothes. Seriously, can you imagine Harris holding court on Christmas sweaters? And Frank Luger would spend the whole night lamenting how the holidays ain't the way they used to be.

10. Commander Spock (Leonard Nimoy), Star Trek. Vulcans don't eat meat. He would have enough class to not make a nuisance of himself over the serving of turkey, or whatever other meat you might provide. But he would probably tell you that stuffing the bird, when simply serving the stuffing as a side dish, is a waste of work, and, therefore, highly illogical.

9. The Full House Guys. Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) would be a noodge. Joey Gladstone (Dave Coulier) would act immature, and have to be put at the kids' table. And Jesse Katsopolis (John Stamos) would sing Christmas carols in character as Elvis.

8. Lucy Ricardo (Lucille Ball), I Love Lucy. Not only are there enough episodes to explain why she shouldn't be allowed to help cook, meaning she'd have some explaining to do; but she'd spend the dinner whining about how her husband Ricky (Desi Arnaz) wouldn't let her be a part of his float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

7. Any number of NCIS Special Agents. More law-enforcement people who would always be on call. With his need to dominate every situation, Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon) would want to carve the bird. With his own knife. And how often does he sterilize "Ol' Rule Number 9"? And in what? You'd probably want Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard (rest in peace, David McCallum) to carve: He's an expert with using a knife on dead things.

Don't involve Ziva David (Cote de Pablo): It's not that she's Jewish, and would want to celebrate Hanukkah along with Christmas. It's that she'd probably want to kill the turkey herself, and her choice of weapon might render it inedible. Also, don't invite Tony DiNozzo (Michael Weatherly): He'd spend the whole night talking about holiday movies, and bragging about his prowess in everything from fighting crime to his love life.

6. The Cartwright Sons, Bonanza. Not so much Adam (Pernell Roberts), but definitely Hoss, (Dan Blocker), and Little Joe (Michael Landon). Not only would Hoss eat more than anyone else, but you'd constantly be telling Joe to take his feet off the table.

5. Jack Tripper (John Ritter), Three's Company. At first, he seems like the ideal fictional character to invite. After all, he's a chef, and a good one. But he'd probably carry the turkey out, and trip, and drop it.

4. The Honeymooners Guys. Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) would eat everything he could, then be the first one to pass out on the sofa while watching football. And Ed Norton (Art Carney) would eat everything else, ask why nobody ever serves pizza at a holiday dinner, and then, annoyingly, never gain an ounce. But before that, he'd recommend a recipe he learned... while working in the sewer!

Also, don't let Ralph do any of the cooking. He once cooked for himself. Results: He turned the oven all the way up, so the chicken would cook faster, and he burned it; and he thought he didn't have enough rice, so he put the entire box in, and it boiled over.

3. Lieutenant Columbo (Peter Falk -- the character's first name was never mentioned), Columbo. Another cop for whom his job isn't the biggest issue. The real problem with Columbo is, you could put the full spread out in front of him, and everything would be good, and he would still say, "There's just one thing that bothers me. I can't get it out of my mind."

Which leads me to...

2. The Crane Brothers. Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer on Cheers and Frasier) and Dr. Niles Crane, (David Hyde Pierce on Frasier, once literally had this discussion:

Frasier: "What could be better than the perfect meal?"

Niles: "An otherwise perfect meal with one flaw, that we could talk about all night."

Which leads me to...

1. The Odd Couple. Felix Unger (Tony Randall) would criticize everything. But Oscar Madison (Jack Klugman) would be worse: He would put ketchup on everything, and spill most of it!