All Right, You Primitive Screwheads...

In the words of the immortal Bruce Campbell, playing Ash Williams in the 1993 film Army of Darkness...

All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!

An innocent man does whatever it takes to prove his innocence. He does not do whatever it takes to gain immunity from prosecution.

A President who has just faced an assassination attempt does not worry about his shoes, pump his fist, yell, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" or promote a ballroom project. A President who staged an assassination attempt does that.

When people tell you, "The Supreme Court is on the ballot," believe them.

Bernie Sanders was not robbed by the Democratic National Committee. Quite the opposite: Just by letting him into their Primaries, they bent over backwards to accommodate him. He wasn't robbed by the DNC. He was rejected by Democratic voters, who knew that he had been talking trash about their Party for half a century.

What Israel is doing is Gaza is bad, but it is not genocide. It is in response to an act of genocide.

What Russia is attempting in Ukraine is an attempt to not only conquer the country, but to wipe out its culture and impose its own. That is genocide.

The new Yankee Stadium is not a "little league park." The proof of this is that the Yankees can hit anywhere.

Derek Jeter was an excellent defensive shortstop. Your "defensive metrics" are meaningless.

Large amounts of money were never going to be enough to save the Mets.

"Wins Above Replacement" has no value. Actual winning has value.

No one has ever proven that Roger Clemens used steroids, and David Ortiz and Barry Bonds did each fail a steroid test.

The two biggest wastes of time that ESPN covers happen practically back-to-back: The Masters and the NFL Draft.

Aaron Rodgers may still be talented, but in the ways that matter, he is a bum.

The Liberty Mutual commercials -- both the ones at the Statue of Liberty and the LiMu Emu & Doug ads -- have run their course, and it's time to retire them.

Speaking of TV commercials: If it takes longer to mention the side effects of a drug than its benefits, and you need people to dance in your commercial, it's time to pull the drug. And the commercial. And do more testing on both.

That said, Zepbound has worked for me. I've lost 20 pounds. That said, I don't know if it, or any other drug, is right for you. Talk to your doctor.

Charles Barkley has lost over 100 pounds on a different GLP-1 drug, but just because a celebrity uses a product doesn't mean it's good. Shaquille O'Neal endorses Icy Hot, but it did nothing for me.

East Brunswick needs a Wegmans. I'll settle for New Brunswick, North Brunswick, Sayreville or Old Bridge. Manalapan, Woodbridge, Bridgewater and West Windsor are just too far.

It's "I couldn't care less," not "I could care less."

 
The past tense of "slay" is "slew," not "slayed."
 
Some of you literally don't know what "literally" means.
 
I'll relax when I'm ready. Telling me to relax makes me less relaxed.
 
And Dunkin tastes better than Starbucks. And it's cheaper, too.

As you were!

Class Is In Session

In the immortal words of Bruce Campbell, All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!

"Super Bowl" is one word, not two.

If you've previously said that you were boycotting the NFL, shut the hell up about how the TV networks cover Taylor Swift's appearances at the games.

It's okay to root for the Kansas City Chiefs to win the upcoming Super Bowl, because it will make right-wingers upset over Taylor Swift, who wants President Biden to be re-elected.

It's okay to root for the San Francisco 49ers to win the upcoming Super Bowl, because it will make right-wingers upset that "liberal" "coastal" "elite" San Francisco beat "conservative" "Middle America" Kansas City.

Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback who ever lived. There are a few other legitimate candidates. Tom Brady is not one of them, because he was a compulsive and unrepentant cheater.

The Mets have not surpassed the Yankees. Not in any way. They don't even have the better ballpark food. Maybe they had that at Shea, but not since they both opened new ballparks.

Golf is still not a sport. Nor is figure skating. Nor is auto racing.

The Honeymooners is the greatest sitcom of all time. M*A*S*H is a better show, but it's not a sitcom. The Sopranos had its moments, but the vulgarity, and I don't just mean the language, hurts it. The Office was not funny, in either version.

Robert Pattinson is a better Batman than Ben Affleck, and David Corinswet will be a better Superman than Henry Cavill, if for no other reason than Zack Snyder will not be involved.

Elon Musk has never invented a damn thing, and he is not a genius.

It's pork roll. Not Taylor ham. Says who? Says Taylor, the company that invented the stuff, and sells more of it than anybody. They call it pork roll, because it legally isn't ham.

Pizza tastes better by the water. New York City is practically surrounded by water. And in New Jersey, the pizza is better down the Shore.

There is no such thing as a chicken cheesesteak. A chicken sandwich with the things you might put on a cheesesteak might be very good, but the word "steak" implies beef. No beef, no steak.

New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Chicago and San Francisco are better places to live than Florida or Texas.

Evidence matters.

You don't get to call something a "crisis" if you're not willing to try to stop it until a President who belongs to your party takes office. Especially if the last President who belonged to your party already failed to stop it.

I don't care if you're the biggest pop star in the world, or a sitting U.S. Senator who recently suspended your campaign for President: Don't tell a man you love him unless you actually do.

Stop caring about what bathrooms people use, and just make sure you wash your hands. More kids get molested by clergymen than "trans" people, anyway.

The race of the cop matters less than the race of the arrestee.

The history of all the peoples of America is American history, whether you like them, or not; whether you accept it, or not.

Class dismissed.

Yankee Streak Ends, Primitive Screwheads Rejoice

In Army of Darkness, released in 1992, the 3rd film in the Evil Dead franchise, Ash Williams (played by Bruce Campbell) gets thrown back in time, to the Middle Ages, and wastes 3 shotgun cartridges -- that he can't replace in that era -- to demonstrate his superiority to the people there, so they won't treat him as a witch to be executed. He starts a monologue by saying, "All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!"

Last night, having already taken the 1st 2 games of a 3-game series away to the Toronto Blue Jays, stretching their winning streak to 11, the Yankees tried to complete the sweep. But, unlike Ash in the film, there would not be enough "boomstick."

Nestor Cortés started, and over the 1st 4 innings, he allowed 2 runs on 4 hits and 4 walks. It wasn't a terrible performance, but it was just off enough to put the Yankees in a hole. Michael King pitched the next 3 innings, and Clay Holmes the next 1. Neither allowed a single baserunner.

So, overall, the Yankees got pitching that was good enough to win the ballgame. But the hitting, which had been torrid for the last 2 weeks, finally gave out. Joey Gallo hit a home run to lead off the 3rd inning. But they wasted a leadoff single by DJ LeMahieu in the 1st, a leadoff walk by Aaron Judge in the 4th, a leadoff double by Kyle Higashioka in the 6th, and 2 walks with 1 out in the 7th.

It was 2-1 Jays with 2 out in the top of the 8th, when Judge came to bat with the bases empty. Home plate umpire Marty Foster called a strike 1 that was easily inside, and a strike 2 that was a little low. The 2nd strike wasn't a terrible call: Even Yankee broadcaster Michael Kay admitted that it "just clipped the outside corner." But it did reduce Judge's chance of hitting a game-tying home run, or at least getting on base to start a 2-out rally. And it came on a questionable called strike 3 on Judge in the 6th with Higashioka on 3rd and just 1 out.

Manager Aaron Boone came out of the dugout, and decided to make an example of Foster, to make him pay for the sins of every umpire who ever called a phony strike on Judge, of which there have been many. When you win the 1st 2 games of a road series against the team chasing you for 1st place, you can do that.

"He's six-fucking-seven!" Boone could be seen yelling, making the point that Judge's strike zone didn't have to be artificially made bigger. Foster yelled back, every bit as forcefully. (I wonder if he counts as a "primitive screwhead"?) When play resumed, Judge swung and missed a a pitch on the inside corner.

The Yankees did make a go of it in the 9th. Anthony Rizzo popped up to 2nd. Giancarlo Stanton singled to center. Tim Locastro was sent in to pinch-run for him. Josh Donaldson singled Locastro to 2nd. Aaron Hicks struck out. Gallo walked to load the bases. Marwin González was sent in to pinch-run for Gallo. Isiah Kiner-Falefa grounded to 3rd, but couldn't quite beat it out, as Vladimir Guerrero Jr. did a split that seemed to defy his chunky physique. Whoever was substituting as manager for the tossed Boone challenged the play, to no avail.

Blue Jays 2, Yankees 1. WP: Yusei Kikuchi (1-1). SV: Jordan Romano (12). LP: Cortes (1-1).

The crowd of 29,057 included some Yankee Fans. The Toronto fans celebrated winning a game in which they only got 4 hits after being embarrassed the previous 2 nights as if they had just won the Pennant.

All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up: The Yankees still have the best record in baseball, 18-7. You still trail them by 2 1/2 games, 3 in the all-important loss column. The road to winning the American League Eastern Division is the Major Deegan Expressway, not the Gardiner Expressway. In the immortal words of Nick Cannon, Sit yo' ass down!

The Yankees have today off, and open a 3-game home series with the Texas Rangers.