Showing posts with label golf. Show all posts
Showing posts with label golf. Show all posts

Thursday, December 25, 2025

December 25, 1875: The Death of Young Tom Morris

Young Tom Morris

December 25, 1875, 150 years ago: It is not a merry Christmas in St. Andrews, Fife, Scotland. "Young Tom" Morris, an early golf legend, and the son of an early golf legend known as "Old Tom" Morris, dies there. He is only 24 years old. He had recently played a match in terrible weather, and probably caught pneumonia.
Old Tom Morris

Although it would be a Scotsman, Alexander Fleming, who discovered penicillin, it would be decades before it could have saved Young Tom, who had also recently lost his wife and child in childbirth, and, between his grief and his illness, may have lost the will to live.

Thomas Mitchell Morris, born in 1821 in St. Andrews, lived on until 1908, as "The Grand Old Man of Golf." His son, named only Thomas Morris, was born in 1851 in St. Andrews. That town, home of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, and the site of 30 British Opens (but never, through 2022, a Ryder Cup), is still "the Home of Golf," partly because of the legacy of the Tom Morrises.

December 25, 1875 was a Saturday. There were no American sports on this day: Although both football and basketball would come to be associated with Christmas Day, the former barely existed, and its last game of the season was played on December 4; and the latter wasn't even invented for another 16 years.

But there was soccer in Britain, including in the Morrises' native Scotland. The 1st Edinburgh Derby is played at a park known as The Meadows. Heart of Midlothian defeat Hibernian 1-0.

This is the oldest remaining senior "derby" in the world, older than the "Old Firm" in Glasgow, with similarities: Like Rangers, "Hearts" were founded as an all-Protestant side; while, like Celtic, "Hibs" ("Hibernia" was the Roman Empire's name for Ireland) were founded as a team for Catholic immigrants from Ireland. The colors are also similar: Like Celtic, Hibs wear green and white stripes; while Hearts wear blue, albeit a darker blue than Rangers.
In the modern era, the teams frequently play each other on the day after Christmas, Boxing Day, but not in the 1875 season. The teams will play this Saturday, December 27. In all matches, including competitive ones and exhibitions -- "friendlies," in British soccer parlance -- Hearts have won 292, Hibs have won 209, and there have been 166 draws.

Friday, November 15, 2024

George vs. Donald

 
Actor Sylvester Stallone, known for playing Rocky Balboa and John Rambo, has compared Donald Trump to George Washington.

All right. Let's do it:

* George Washington: Volunteered to be a solider. Donald Trump: Weaseled his way out of being one.

* George Washington: Very successful in real estate. Donald Trump: Failed at it.

* George Washington: Painful dentures. Donald Trump: Has that in common.

* Donald Trump: Betrayed his country. George Washington: Betrayed by his country, which, at the time, was Great Britain.

* George Washington: Had to flee New York. Donald Trump: Has that in common.

* George Washington: Won battles in New Jersey. Donald Trump: Not so much.

* George Washington: Victorious in Virginia. Donald Trump: No.

* George Washington: Asked to chair the Convention that wrote the Constitution. Donald Trump: Says the Constitution has been unfair to him, and says he wants to suspend it.

* George Washington: Spent a lot of his time as President on his estate, but working as a farmer. Donald Trump: Spent a lot of his time as President on his estate, playing golf.

* Donald Trump: Put his corrupt children and their corrupt significant others in his Administration. George Washington: Had no children.

* George Washington: Rich all his life, never went bankrupt. Donald Trump: Started out rich, now billions of dollars in debt.

* George Washington: His Cabinet included Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Donald Trump: His Cabinet turned on him, so he replaced them with psychopaths.

* George Washington: Believed in America, but knew there were issues, and was told only he could fix them. He did his best. Donald Trump: Says, "The American Dream is dead," and, "I, alone, can fix it," and then proved that he can't fix a damn thing.

I think Sly has taken too many blows to the head.

Saturday, February 3, 2024

Class Is In Session

In the immortal words of Bruce Campbell, All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!

"Super Bowl" is one word, not two.

If you've previously said that you were boycotting the NFL, shut the hell up about how the TV networks cover Taylor Swift's appearances at the games.

It's okay to root for the Kansas City Chiefs to win the upcoming Super Bowl, because it will make right-wingers upset over Taylor Swift, who wants President Biden to be re-elected.

It's okay to root for the San Francisco 49ers to win the upcoming Super Bowl, because it will make right-wingers upset that "liberal" "coastal" "elite" San Francisco beat "conservative" "Middle America" Kansas City.

Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback who ever lived. There are a few other legitimate candidates. Tom Brady is not one of them, because he was a compulsive and unrepentant cheater.

The Mets have not surpassed the Yankees. Not in any way. They don't even have the better ballpark food. Maybe they had that at Shea, but not since they both opened new ballparks.

Golf is still not a sport. Nor is figure skating. Nor is auto racing.

The Honeymooners is the greatest sitcom of all time. M*A*S*H is a better show, but it's not a sitcom. The Sopranos had its moments, but the vulgarity, and I don't just mean the language, hurts it. The Office was not funny, in either version.

Robert Pattinson is a better Batman than Ben Affleck, and David Corinswet will be a better Superman than Henry Cavill, if for no other reason than Zack Snyder will not be involved.

Elon Musk has never invented a damn thing, and he is not a genius.

It's pork roll. Not Taylor ham. Says who? Says Taylor, the company that invented the stuff, and sells more of it than anybody. They call it pork roll, because it legally isn't ham.

Pizza tastes better by the water. New York City is practically surrounded by water. And in New Jersey, the pizza is better down the Shore.

There is no such thing as a chicken cheesesteak. A chicken sandwich with the things you might put on a cheesesteak might be very good, but the word "steak" implies beef. No beef, no steak.

New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Chicago and San Francisco are better places to live than Florida or Texas.

Evidence matters.

You don't get to call something a "crisis" if you're not willing to try to stop it until a President who belongs to your party takes office. Especially if the last President who belonged to your party already failed to stop it.

I don't care if you're the biggest pop star in the world, or a sitting U.S. Senator who recently suspended your campaign for President: Don't tell a man you love him unless you actually do.

Stop caring about what bathrooms people use, and just make sure you wash your hands. More kids get molested by clergymen than "trans" people, anyway.

The race of the cop matters less than the race of the arrestee.

The history of all the peoples of America is American history, whether you like them, or not; whether you accept it, or not.

Class dismissed.

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Torres' Singles, Trevino's Homer, Cole's Pitching Lead Yanks Over Phils

Well, it's Masters week. To Hell with that: Golf is not a sport. Let's talk baseball:

The Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies wrapped up a 3-game series at Yankee Stadium this afternoon. The threat of rain was a factor. So was the wind. But they got the whole game in. Gerrit Cole got through the 1st 4 innings without much trouble. He walked 2 batters with 2 out in the 5th, but got out of it. He breezed through the 6th.

In the bottom of the 1st, Aaron Judge singled and stole 2nd base, and was singled home by Gleyber Torres. In the bottom of the 2nd, Josh Donaldson started limping while running out a popup, and was replaced at 3rd base by Isiah Kiner-Falefa. He will be re-evaluated tomorrow.

The Phillies weren't happy with home plate umpire Nic Lentz, and he gave them a little leeway until the top of the 5th, when he threw hitting instructor Kevin Long out of the game. Long, of course, previously held the same job with the Yankees, and later with the Mets.

DJ LeMahieu led off the bottom of the 6th with a double into left-center. Torres singled him home, to make it 2-0 Yankees. Cole struck out the 1st batter in the 7th, and was cruising. He had allowed no runs on 2 hits and 2 walks. Then he walked a batter. And, since he had thrown 103 pitches, Brian Cashman had Aaron Boone take him out. Mistake: Jonathan Loáisiga allowed a single, hit a batter, and allowed a sacrifice fly before getting out of the inning.

However, Cliché Alert: Walks can kill you, especially the leadoff variety. Oswaldo Cabrera led off the bottom of the 7th by drawing a walk, and Jose Trevino hit a home run to make it 4-1 Yankees. Loáisiga gave up a homer to Kyle Schwarber in the 8th, making it back-to-back games with a homer for Schwarber. But that would be the last baserunner for the Phils, as Loáisiga got out of the 8th, and Clay Holmes struck out the side in the 9th.

Yankees 4, Phillies 2. WP: Cole (2-0). SV: Holmes (1). LP: Aaron Nola (0-1). It was just like in days of old, if not at the old Yankee Stadium: An afternoon game, with a big crowd (35,847), the Yankees won with a home run and good pitching, and it took only 2 hours and 30 minutes to play.

This concludes the Yankees' 1st homestand of the season. They were supposed to be the opponents for the Baltimore Orioles' home opener tomorrow afternoon. But the O's have looked at the weather forecast, and postponed the game to Friday at 3:05 PM. This is why teams tend to have an off day the day after their home opener, so they don't lose that big crowd.

Friday, March 8, 2019

Dan Jenkins, 1929-2019

As the man himself -- "His Ownself," as he called himself -- would have started a sentence, and as he once used for the title for a book he wrote, I'll Tell You One Thing...

I'll tell you one thing: Calling Dan Jenkins "a sportswriter" would be obscuring a higher truth. He was one of America's greatest living writers -- until he was no longer living.

Daniel Thomas Jenkins was born on December 2, 1928 in Fort Worth, Texas. He graduated from that city's R.L. Paschal High School, the former Fort Worth High School having been renamed for a former principal.

Other notable Paschal graduates include his former Fort Worth Press and Sports Illustrated teammate Bud Shrake, Yankee pitcher Jim Bronstad, former Oakland Athletics All-Star catcher and manager Jeff Newman, 1948 and '49 NFL Champion Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tommy Thompson, 1964 NFL Champion Cleveland Browns quarterback and mathematician Dr. Frank Ryan, and a man who opened up to few people, but allowed Jenkins to become a close friend, golf icon Ben Hogan.

Also, Black Like Me author John Howard Griffin, gossip columnist Liz Smith, actor Norman Alden, music producer Joseph "T Bone" Burnett, Radio Shack founder Charles D. Tandy, Governors Price Daniel of Texas and Bill Owens of Colorado, and Apollo 12 Moonwalker Alan Bean. Actress-dancer Ginger Rogers attended, but dropped out.

Jenkins stayed in Fort Worth, and enrolled at Texas Christian University, where he played on the golf team. He wrote for the Fort Worth Press, then moved to the bigger city and worked for the Dallas Times Herald, before being hired by Sports Illustrated, for whom he wrote over 500 articles.

When SI celebrated its 60th Anniversary in 2014, they printed up a special edition, titled 60 Years, 60 Iconic Stories, with 60 of their greatest articles. And 4 of them were written by Dan Jenkins, including one for the October 17, 1966 edition, about Joe Namath, already the highest-paid and most flamboyant quarterback in pro football, but over 2 years away from his Super Bowl guarantee and win. Here is how Jenkins began the article:

Stoop-shouldered and sinisterly handsome, he slouches against the wall of the saloon, a filter cigarette in his teeth, collar open, perfectly happy and self-assured, gazing through the uneven darkness to sort out the winners from the losers. As the girls come by wearing their miniskirts, net stockings, big false eyelashes, long pressed hair and soulless expressions, he grins approvingly and says, "Hey, hold it, man—foxes." It is Joe Willie Namath at play. Relaxing. Nighttiming. The boss mover studying the defensive tendencies of New York's off-duty secretaries, stewardesses, dancers, nurses, bunnies, actresses, shopgirls—all of the people who make life stimulating for a bachelor who can throw one of the best passes in pro football. He poses a question for us all: Would you rather be young, single, rich, famous, talented, energetic and happy—or President?
Joe Willie Namath is not to be fully understood by most of us, of course. We are ancient, being over 23, and perhaps a bit arthritic, seeing as how we can't do the Duck. We aren't comfortably tuned in to the Mamas and the Uncles—or whatever their names are. We have cuffs on our trousers and, freakiest of all, we have pockets we can get our hands into. But Joe is not pleading to be understood. He is youth, success, the clothes, the car, the penthouse, the big town, the girls, the autographs and the games on Sundays. He simply is, man. The best we can do is catch a slight glimpse of him as he speeds by us in this life, and hope that he will in some way help prepare us for the day when we elect public officials who wear beanies and have term themes to write.
And he closed with: 
If he stays healthy, Joe Willie may achieve his deepest ambition, which is "to become known as a good quarterback, not a rich one." He may even become what Boston Owner Billy Sullivan says he is now: "The biggest thing in New York since Babe Ruth." Slowly, because trying to fathom youth is always a slow process, you get the impression that Joe is quite serious about it and, despite his hip ways, is working hard to make it. Beneath the gaudy surface there somehow beams through a genuine, considerate, sincere, wonderfully friendly and likeable young man. But he's going to be himself. He's going to do it his way, and nobody else's.
For SI, he covered Michigan State vs. Notre Dame in 1966, USC vs. UCLA in 1967, Texas vs. Arkansas in 1969, and Nebraska vs. Oklahoma in 1971, all of them labeled "The Game of the Century." That's 4 Games of the Century in a span of just over 5 years. (His article on the '71 Huskers-Sooners game was another chosen for that 60th Anniversary tribute.)

But he maintained that Texas was the true home of college football. It does often seem like a religion there, which makes the Cotton Bowl stadium in Dallas its Jerusalem (or its Mecca), Memorial Stadium in Austin its Vatican, and Texas vs. Texas A&M -- a rivalry not currently played in football, with the 1996 breakup of the old Southwest Conference putting the Longhorns in the Big 12 and the Aggies in the Southeastern Conference -- its holy war.

(Indeed, another article SI included in that special issue was from the Longhorns' 1963 National Championship season, under head coach Darrell Royal: "The Disciples of St. Darrell on a Wild Weekend.")

He wrote a book about college football titled Saturday's America. He wrote a book about college football in Texas, with a cover featuring Doak Walker, who starred at Southern Methodist University (SMU) in Dallas in the 1940s and the Detroit Lions in the 1950s, and is still regarded as the quintessential Lone Star State gridiron legend. It was titled I'll Tell You One Thing: The Untold Truth About Texas, America & College Football, With Pictures to Prove It. He wrote a book about sports in general, titled You Call It Sports, But I Say It's a Jungle Out There.

He also wrote a novel about pro football, Semi-Tough, a parody of both the NFL and one of the self-improvement crazes of the 1970s, Werner Erhard's "Erhard Seminars Training," or "est." (It was always spelled lower-case.) It was filmed in 1977. It wasn't the 1st time Burt Reynolds had played a quarterback, as he'd played Paul Crewe in The Longest Yard. It also starred Kris Kristofferson, Jill Clayburgh, Robert Preston, Lotte Lenya, Brian Dennehy, and Bert Convy as the Erhard analogue.

The football scenes were shot at the Cotton Bowl, although the team in the movie is based in Miami, near Reynolds' home. Like The Longest Yard, it used real football players, including Paul Hornung, Joe Kapp, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, and John Matuszak, a defensive end who won 2 Super Bowls with the Oakland Raiders. At one point, Matuszak is arguing with the team owner, played by Preston, over money, and says, "Every time I say it's a game, you say it's a business. Every time I say it's a business, you say it's a game!"

But his 1st love was golf. He wrote books titled Fairways and Greens, Jenkins at the Majors, Sports Illustrated's The Best 18 Golf Holes in America, The Dogged Victims of Inexorable Fate, and, with Curt Sampson, The Eternal Summer: Palmer, Nicklaus and Hogan in 1960, Golf's Golden Year.

(I don't have the book, so I don't know why Jenkins selected 1960 as "Golf's Golden Year." Maybe it was because it was the only time that the aging Hogan and the rising Jack Nicklaus, then just 20, were both among the leaders. Arnold Palmer, then the world's leading golfer, won the Masters, while Hogan, the top golfer of the late 1940s and early 1950s, finished 6th; Palmer beat Nicklaus by 2 strokes and Hogan by 4 in the U.S. Open; Australian golfer Ken Nagle beat Palmer by 1 stroke in the British Open; and Jay Hebert beat Palmer by 5 strokes in the PGA Championship.)

Read more here: https://www.star-telegram.com/sports/spt-columns-blogs/mac-engel/article227286574.html#storylink=cpy
In 1989, in an SI column, Rick Reilly, then about to turn 30, had a list of things that the average American male sports fan should have done before turning 30. There were 53, and I ended up getting 37 done by the time I did. I did not count among them this one: "Own copies of Ball Four, The Boys of Summer, and The Dogged Victims of Inexorable Fate." To this day, I only own the first two of these, not the last, because it was one of Jenkins' books about golf, and I hate golf.
In 1984, as part of its College Football Preview Issue, SI did a feature on college football fans who had game streaks that would have caused a then 24-year-old Cal Ripken Jr. to choke on his crab cake. There was a 91-year-old woman who hadn't missed a Nebraska home game in 61 years. There was a married couple at historically black school North Carolina A&T who hadn't missed a home game since the husband came back from World War II. And there was Giles Pellerin, who had seen every USC game, home and away, since 1925, and would continue to do so until he died in 1998, a streak that would reach 797 games.
Jenkins' contribution to the story was about Paul Ridings, then the sports information director at both men's alma mater, TCU. He had been to 521 TCU games, home and away, including the last 381 in a row. Perhaps in recognition of making Ridings, however briefly, nationally famous, TCU named Jenkins the school's official historian. In 2017, they named the press box at their Amon G. Carter Stadium after him.
Jenkins retired from SI in 1985, and, aside from his monthly column in Golf Digest, stuck to books full-time. Larry King called him "the best sportswriter in America," and he was named to the Texas Sports Hall of Fame, the National Sportswriters and Sportscasters Hall of Fame, and the World Golf Hall of Fame.
He and his wife June had 3 children, sons Danny and Marty, and daughter Sally Jenkins, who also wrote for SI, and has now become an award-winning sports columnist for The Washington Post.
Sally and Dan, at the 2009 PGA Championship

Last year, in an interview, Dan Jenkins said, "I haven't done anything other than type and know people. I spent a lifetime, six or seven decades, not only typing for a living but cultivating sources."
He types and cultivates no more. Dan Jenkins died yesterday, March 7, 2019, at his home in Fort Worth, at the age of 90.
Ivan Maisel, once his fact-checker at SI, wrote this headline for ESPN.com's obituary: "A toast to Dan Jenkins, who humanized gods and changed sportswriting." Here is how Maisel began the article:
Dan Jenkins is gone, and everyone who loves college football, golf and the crisply struck one-liner will raise a glass. Preferably of J&B.
Meaning Justerini & Brooks, a brand of Scotch whiskey that Jenkins enjoyed. And he closed with: 
I dropped him an email now and again, and he always answered within minutes. It's hard to swallow that I can't do that again. Instead, I'll swallow a J&B in his honor, and curl up with "Baja Oklahoma" for the 11th read.
Dan Jenkins did it his way, and nobody else's.
UPDATE: He was buried at Greenwood Memorial Park in Fort Worth.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Not a Sport

So, this past Monday, I saw a copy of the New York Daily News. On the back page, instead of baseball, it was talking about golf.

Already, my day was ruined.

The previous day, the Professional Golfers' Association (PGA) Championship was held at Bellerive Country Club, in the suburbs of St. Louis. It's the last of the 4 "majors" in golf tournaments, following, in chronological order, The Masters, the U.S. Open and the British Open. (The PGA has announced that the tournament will move to May next year, making the order Masters, PGA, U.S. and British.)

The winner was Brooks Koepka, age 28, from West Palm Beach, Florida. It was his 3rd major, as he'd already won the U.S. Open this year and last year. He shot 264, for an average of 68, a record for the tournament.

The runner-up, finishing 2 strokes behind him, was Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, who's won 14 majors, 2nd only to Jack Nicklaus' 18 -- but none in 10 years, since the 2008 U.S. Open.

It was a very good performance for Tiger, probably his best since that 2008 U.S. Open. But he didn't win the tournament.

And yet, the Daily News put him on the back page. Indeed, TV and print sports coverage was full of "Tiger's back!" stories, instead of focusing on, you know, the guy who actually won the tournament. With a record score.

Think about that for a moment. Suppose the Triple Crown horse races were not limited to 3-year-olds. And suppose Citation, the horse that won what was then the last Triple Crown, in 1948, had lived to compete in the 1973 races. (He actually died in 1970.)

And suppose Secretariat had done what he actually did, winning the Triple Crown, setting records in all 3 races, each of which still stand, 45 years later. Secretariat won the Belmont by 31 freakin' lengths.

Now, suppose a 28-year-old Citation had finished 2nd, even 10 lengths back. It wouldn't have taken anything from Secretariat's achievement. Would the papers be focusing on Secretariat's achievement? Or would they have focused on Citation finishing 2nd?

Golf is messed-up in so many ways. It's not even a sport!

That's right: Golf is not a sport. Here's the...

Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Not a Sport

10. The scoring. The winner is the one with the lowest score, not the one with the highest score. In what other sport is this true?

I'm reminded of an edition of Johnny Hart's comic strip B.C. Panel 1: Woman asks male golfer, "Let me get this straight, the less I hit the ball, the better I am doing." Golfer says, "That's right." Panel 2: Woman asks golfer, "Then why do it at all?" Panel 3, at night, so, clearly, golfer has been thinking about it the whole time: "Why... do it... at all?"
Found it. The date was April 20, 1999 --
the date of the Columbine High School massacre.

9. The clothes. There's a reason teams in real sports stopped wearing the uniforms they wore in the 1970s. They were garish monstrosities, which are now broken out only on nostalgia days.

But in golf? As the late, great Robin Williams put it, "The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp, and no one will care! Where even a blind gay man would go, 'Oh, dear Christ! That is loud! This is not Carnival! What the fuck are you on?'"

8. The spatial relationship. As the late, great George Carlin put it, "Just the design of the game speaks of arrogance. Think of how big a golf course is. The ball is that fuckin' big! What do those pinheaded pricks need with all that land?"

I know, a baseball field takes up a lot of space for a small ball. But think about this: A baseball field is about 400 feet long by about 300 feet wide in the outfield. A golf course has "holes" (not the actual hole) around 100 feet wide by an average of 150 feet long... and it has 18 of them. So we're talking about a total of 270,000 square feet, compared to around half that for a baseball field.

7. The spectators are told to be quiet. Name one other sport where that's true. Tennis? Okay, that's one. Name another. Figure skating? Not a sport. Gymnastics? Not a sport.

6. The announcers. The late, great Jim McKay of ABC Sports once said that the 2 greatest sports are golf and horse racing, because they have the best stories. I love his reason, but he was totally wrong. Golf announcers are terrible. The word "murmur" comes to mind.

Robin Williams again: "I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time." He meant Andrés Cantor, the Argentine announcer now working for Telemundo. He imagined Cantor watching the ball go in the... "Hoooooooooooooooole!" 

5. No athleticism. Sure, you need strength to hit long drives. But putting? Essentially, you only have to stand there. Pool is every bit as athletic, and you don't see anybody calling pool a sport.

Or, to put it another way: When a team is eliminated from Playoff contention, we say they're "off playing golf." If a golfer doesn't make the cut at a major, we don't say he's off playing a different sport. Not baseball. Not football. Not tennis, which is another traditional sport for elitists.

4. No defense. Tiger Woods has never had to worry about hitting a golf ball that Clayton Kershaw has thrown 100 miles per hour, or one that Pedro Martinez has thrown at his head. Jack Nicklaus never had to putt with Mean Joe Greene bearing down on him. Arnold Palmer never had to worry about John Havlicek stealing the ball. Bobby Jones never had to putt with anyone having put spit on the ball, or the green for that matter. And no golfer has ever had to putt the ball into a hole guarded by Hakeem Olajuwon, or Martin Brodeur, or Gianluigi Buffon.

Somebody once told me that the course itself, with its trees, bushes, high grass, sand traps and water hazards, counts as "defense." No, it doesn't. Nobody calls Fenway Park's Green Monster "defense." Nobody calls Wrigley Field's ivy "defense." Nobody called the parquet floor at the Boston Garden, with its "dead spots," "defense." John Facenda of NFL Films never actually called the grass in Green Bay "the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field," and nobody calls that "defense," either.

3. No opponent. Yes, there are other competitors. But that competitor isn't in your way. Tiger never had to putt past Phil Mickelson. And Ernie Els never talked trash to Tiger while he was trying to putt. You don't face your opponent. Again, this makes pool closer to being a sport than golf is.

Now, you might say, "What about races? Track, swimming, cycling, and so on? You're not facing your opponent when you do that." True. But you could see him, you definitely hear him, and you know he's there. The way a golf tournament works, Tiger could be on the 1st hole, Phil could be on the 18th and last hole, and every other major golfer could be in between. Unless you see the leaderboard, as far as you know, the other players don't even exist.

2. The elitism. I'm not even talking about prejudice, against race, gender or religion. It's a game favored by fabulously wealthy people who don't like people who aren't, and by people who'd like to be them.

And, as the great Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan would say, "I'm saving the best reason for last, the reason you can't top. Can't top it!" The Number 1 reason why golf is not a sport: 

1. Donald Trump likes it. He can't play it -- not without cheating -- but he likes it. Okay, that might not be a reason why golf is not a sport. If Trump was good at it, that would be a reason why it's not a sport! But he likes it, and could there possibly be a better reason to hate this stupid game?

The exception that proves the rule? The officials -- referees, umpires, judges, whatever they're called in golf -- can't steal the game from you. They can rule that you didn't sign your scorecard, or that you used an illegal club, or that you broke some rule or other, intentionally or otherwise.

But no golfer ever lost a tournament because an official was corrupt, or even made a mistake. Nicklaus never lost the Masters because there was a Don Denkinger ruling that his ball hadn't actually gone in the hole, when it had. And Tiger never lost the U.S. Open because Mike Dean gave him an unfair penalty.

So, if golf were a sport, you could cite that as a reason why it's the best sport.

But golf is not a sport.
Left to right: Alice Cooper, Heather Locklear, Haley Joel Osment,
Dean Reimuth, Michael Douglas, Cheryl Ladd, Josh Duhamel, Kenny G,
Kyle McLachlan (blocked out by Kenny G), Catherine Zeta-Jones,
Samuel L. Jackson, Martin Sheen, Jim McLean, Mark Wahlberg, unknown

And I don't care that Catherine Zeta-Jones loves golf, or that she plays it with the others in the photo above. It's a game, but it's not a sport.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Robin Williams, 1951-2014

In the immortal words of Mork from Ork, "Shazbot!"

Robin Williams is dead. He was found at his home in the San Francisco Bay Area. It appears to have been a suicide, following decades of struggles with alcohol, drugs and depression. He was 63.

He was one of the funniest men alive, until he wasn't.

He didn't really have a connection to sports. Although the opening montage to Mork & Mindy did show him and Pam Dawber on the goalposts at the University of Colorado's Folsom Field.

And there was this scene, from Good Will Hunting.
Then there was this riff, imagining if golf had never been invented, and then, instead of 500 years ago, an insane Scotsman were to invent it now.

In his 1st appearance as Mork, on Happy Days, he told Richie Cunningham (Ron Howard) that Ork wanted an Earthman. This being late 1950s Milwaukee, Richie was afraid Mork was going to kidnap Hank Aaron of the Braves. And Mork said, "No, we'd have to trade the whole planet for him," before saying it was going to be Richie.

That show was already a generation in the past. And Hank Aaron, thankfully, is still alive. Robin Williams is dead.

Mel Brooks and Tony Bennett were on Johnny Carson's 1st Tonight Show, 52 years ago; they're still alive. Robin Williams was on Carson's last; he's dead.

Too many good people have died this year. As much as anyone, including my father, who died a few weeks ago, Robin Williams made me laugh.

Thank you, you nut.

UPDATE: Robin's family had him cremated, and scattered his ashes over San Francisco Bay.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

this is a test

T

*

NOTE, written 5 years later: That single letter T used to be the entirety of this post. From September 8 to October 15, 2013, there was a problem with my connection to Blogger.com. So I switched Uncle Mike's Musings to WordPress.com. On October 15, the problem was fixed, and I went back to Blogger.com.

That was the good news from that day. The bad news is, my job of 7 years came to an end that day. My boss lived in a big house in Marlboro, and he and his wife both owned huge SUVs, while I had to take the bus, and walk a mile and a half up a hill from the closest bus stop to the office, and then reverse the process to get home, in an area of Sayreville where if you miss the bus, you have to sit around for an hour to get the next one, or else take a cab, which cost $18 as opposed to the bus' $2.35 at that point.

And he only paid me $10.50 an hour. And he hadn't shown up for a week, and I didn't have direct deposit, and on that Tuesday, October 15, I literally did not have enough money left to get home, or to buy lunch. So I left several messages on his phone, each subsequent message containing more instances of the word "please."

The man was making me beg for my pay.

I decided that, if he didn't show up by 3:00 in the afternoon, I would get up and walk home. That was 9 miles. With no food and no drink, and with my already-arthritic legs. And I would borrow bus fare and lunch money for the next day from my parents. And I would deal with whatever consequences he would dish out the next morning.

At 2:57 PM, with 3 minutes to go before my self-imposed deadline, he showed up, and told me to come into his office. He chewed me out for leaving "a very disrespectful message on my phone. You want me to play that message for you, Michael?"

I had him. I called his bluff: "As a matter of fact, yes, I do want you to play that message. Go ahead and play it, so that we can both hear what was said."

The dirty look on his face dissolved. I had him, and he knew it. What's more, he knew that my anger at him now exceeded my fear of being unemployed. He knew that he no longer had any control over me. And he knew that I knew it. If there's one thing that a rich person values more than money, it is control. And he no longer had it. That new look on his face was worth the entire experience.

He said he wouldn't play the message. He said, "Michael, if you're not happy here, just tell me!"

I explained to him, in full, why I was not happy there. He couldn't understand why I was harping on his house in Marlboro (a town with a lot of "McMansions") and his big SUV. I didn't have an SUV. I didn't have a car. I had feet, and arthritic legs, and -- most of the time -- cash for the bus.

I told him he had made me beg for the money that I had earned, and that this was unacceptable. I told him I needed that money that he owed me, and that I needed more money than he was paying me.

He said, "Michael, I can't pay you more money."

I pointed right at his face, and said, "That is a lie, and you know it. You can pay me more money. You just choose not to. You don't like the quality of my work? Fine. Tell me. You have that right. You want to fire me, because of the quality of my work? Fine. You have that right. What you don't have the right to do is flaunt your wealth, and then lie to me about how much you can pay me!"

He cut me my check. I folded it up and put it in my wallet. I packed my things. I told the other guy who worked in that office, who was paid even less than I was, and had plenty of reason to be more scared of unemployment than he was of the boss, "Good luck." And I walked out.

I have neither seen the boss nor spoken to him again, nor do I wish to.

Another thing I have never done again: I have never begged my employer for money that I've earned. I haven't had to: The jobs I've had since have paid me on time -- if not particularly well. But at least my employers have been worthy of respect.

Moral of the story: Never, ever trust a businessman from New York City named Donald.

No, he wasn't Donald Trump. He was from Staten Island, not Queens. He wasn't a bigot. (Or, if he was, he hid it very well.) And, as far as I know, he was faithful to his wife.

But he did look down on people who weren't rich, he was obsessed with golf, and he did admire Trump then. I don't know what he thinks of Trump in 2022, and, frankly, I don't give a damn. He is out of my life, and bloody good riddance.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Why the President Shouldn't Be Playing Golf

Let me get this straight: The defenders of uncaring big business and "Drill baby drill," who gave us a "president" who spent enough days to add up to almost 2 full years either at Camp David, Kennebunkport, Crawford or otherwise on vacation, and who are holding up an unemployment benefits bill, are criticizing the rightfully-elected (by a majority) President of this nation?

What next, are the Mets going to criticize Tiger Woods for not winning anything lately?

I agree that President Obama shouldn't be playing golf. Not because it's taking time away from fixing the many problems the Republicans caused when they had the power, but because golf is a stupid game.

And who's challenging Obama on this? Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, who would not now have that job if the President of the United States were not a black man. Certainly, he's not qualified, as the highest office he's held is Lieutenant Governor of Maryland.

He did run for the U.S. Senate, and got hammered. Which is understandable, as Barbara Mikulski is one of the best Senators the nation has, a liberal in a liberal State, and an intelligent person, while Steele is a conservative and not exactly the brightest bulb in the chandelier. I'm not sure he can even SPELL "chandelier." Maybe he could, if you put a dollar sign in front of it.

The President is saying, "The Republicans drove the car into the ditch, and now they're asking for the keys back." It's taken Obama this long to tow the car out and make it roadworthy again, and the Republicans are complaining that he's driving it too slow. Next, they'll be complaining that he's running the car on alternative fuels!

They want the keys back? Hey, it could be worse: They could be asking us to vote for Alan Keyes. There's another guy who couldn't get elected to the Senate as a Republican from Maryland. So he "moved to Illinois" to take the place of a candidate who had to drop off the ballot due to a sex scandal.

Refresh my memory: Which party is the party of sex scandals and immorality? And this guy, his wife was Jeri Ryan. The Borg character Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager. Was she not hot enough for him? So Keyes, who'd never lived in Illinois before, ran for the seat, and he was probably the only man in the country who thought he had a chance. And he got clobbered. That was in 2004. The Democrat who beat him was Barack Obama.

Frankly, I'm surprised the Republicans aren't complaining that Obama's golf swing is... LEFT-handed.

Then again, they dropped that particular ball once before. In 1993, in his first year as President, Bill Clinton, noted liberal and non-inhaling marijuana smoker, threw out the first pitch on Opening Day in Baltimore. I must have been the only person in America who noticed the pitch was high... and to the left. At least he knocked the recession he inherited out of the park.

If the Republicans were a sports team, they'd be the 2007 Mets. Or the 2007-08 Patriots. Or the 2010 Bruins.

They wouldn't be the 2004 Yankees. That would be the 2000 Democrats, victims of cheating.

*

Portugal 7, North Korea 0. If only one of the Portuguese scorers hadn't been Cristiano Ronaldo. A.k.a. "Fake Ronaldo" (as opposed to Ronaldo, the once-great fat, bald Brazilian superstar), "Crissy" and "Purseboy."

Rumor has it that he's now dating Kim Kardashian. If true, I don't blame him. But I think he's only after one thing.

Not her body, amazing as that is.

Not her money, he's got plenty of that.

What's Crissy after with Kim? Her hair care products.

Who knows, he may also be interested in the DASH stores that her sisters Khloe and Kourteney are running.

Clothing stores. Women's clothing stores.

Like we say here in the New York Tri-State Area: I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

And if Ronaldo doesn't want anyone to be just sayin', then he should concentrate more on his game, less on his hair, and stop diving. Don't we get enough of that in North America with Sidney Crosby?

England are in disarray. France are worse off. Italy aren't setting the world on fire, either. Spain need a win this afternoon. We could, conceivably, have a World Cup knockout stage with none of them.

But it's good that underdogs have had their days. Maybe there will be more.

*

Again, I'm adjusting the A-Rod portions of the countdowns due to his recent injury, which seems to be clearing up.

Hours until the U.S.' last Group Stage game at the World Cup, against Algeria: 46. If we win, we advance to the knockout stage, the Round of 16. If we only get a draw, then it comes down to the England-Slovenia game, being played at the same time (so as not to influence the result of either game). If we draw and Slovenia win, those are the countries that advance. If we draw and England win, England and Slovenia are in and we're out. If we and England both draw, then tiebreakers fall into place, and I don't know. But if we do advance...

Days until the U.S. team's knockout round game: 6, a little under a week. Probably still going to be against Germany.

Days until the World Cup Final: 20. 3 weeks.

Days until Alex Rodriguez hits his 600th career home run: 35 (estimated).

Days until the next Yankees-Red Sox series: 46, starting Friday night, August 6, at Yankee Stadium II.

Days until the new English Premier League season starts: 54. Under 7 weeks.

Days until the first football game at the new Meadowlands Stadium (still unnamed): 56. 8 weeks.

Days until Rutgers plays football again: 75. Under 11 weeks.

Days until the first regular-season Giants game at the new Meadowlands Stadium: 83. 12 weeks.

Days until the first regular-season Jets game at the new Meadowlands Stadium: 84.

Days until East Brunswick High School plays football again: 94, at Monroe. The schedule has been released, and this is the way the NFL does it: Two big contenders open the season, in this case the defending Central Jersey Group IV Champions (EB) against the defending Central Jersey Group III Champions (Monroe). EB was the only team to defeat Monroe last season, in one of the best regular-season games you'll ever see. But Monroe will be, uh, loaded for Bear, and it'll be at their place, and we lost a LOT of players to graduation. This may not be "real revenge," but it'll sure feel good for Monroe.

Days until the Devils play another local rival: 110 (estimated, 2010-11 schedule still not released).

Days until Rutgers and Army play the first college football game at the new Meadowlands Stadium: 117. Under 4 months.

Days until the next East Brunswick-Old Bridge Thanksgiving clash: 157.

Days until Derek Jeter collects his 3,000th career hit: 332 (estimated). About 11 months.

Days until the Rutgers-Army football game at Yankee Stadium: 509.

Days until the last Nets game in New Jersey: 664 (estimated).

Days until the 2012 Olympics begin in London: 752.

Days until Alex Rodriguez collects his 3,000th career hit: 850 (estimated).

Days until Alex Rodriguez hits his 700th career home run: 1,113 (estimated).

Days until Super Bowl XLVIII at the Meadowlands: 1,322.

Days until Alex Rodriguez hits his 756th career home run to surpass all-time leader Hank Aaron: 1,776 (estimated).

Days until Alex Rodriguez hits his 763rd career home run to become as close to a "real" all-time leader as we are likely to have: 1,800 (estimated).