The Yankee Doodle Double Standard: It's Not Cheating If the Red Sox Do It

If David Ortiz did what O.J. Simpson did -- stabbed his ex-wife and her friend to death -- instead of police chasing him down the freeway, Major League Baseball would give him an escort to Logan Airport, and fly him out of America's jurisdiction on their own dime.

Let's tell the truth: There is one set of rules for the Boston Red Sox, and another set of rules for everybody else. It's the Yankee Doodle Double Standard.

Yes, Michael Pineda was caught using pine tar last night, and he was thrown out of the game, and will likely be suspended for it -- meaning he'll miss 2 or 3 starts. Yes, it was stupid.

But the Red Sox complaining about cheating is like that idiot rancher in Nevada calling anyone else a "freeloader." This is only partially about the steroids used by Ortiz, and previously by Manny Ramirez, and who knows how many other Red Sox scofflaws. (Ah, but if the law isn't applied, how easy it is for them to scoff at it!)

Jon Lester had that green goop on his glove during last year's World Series. Was he punished? Was he so much as investigated? No.

Clay Buchholz got caught with white goop on his arm last May. Was he punished? Was he so much as investigated? No. Jack Morris, now broadcasting for that night's opponents, the Toronto Blue Jays, called Buchholz out on it. And on ESPN, Hall-of-Famer Dennis Eckersley (a former Red Sox pitcher), said, "I think Jack Morris should zip it. I feel sorry for Buchholz to even have to deal with this."

Hey, Eck: If you don't want to deal with what happens if you get caught breaking the rules, don't break the rules. Buchholz got caught by Morris... and he got away with it, because he's a goddamned Red Sock.

When Pineda pitched against the Red Sox last week, some of them knew he'd been using pine tar, but backed away from accusing him of cheating:

* Pitcher Chris Capuano: "In in my mind, there is a difference between doctoring the ball to make it do something funny, versus to get a grip."

* Catcher David Ross: "Maybe it's cheating, but I don't really look at it that way."

* Even Ortiz himself, the most blatant, unrepentant and dishonest cheater in baseball history, said of Pineda that night, "Everybody uses pine tar in the league. It's not a big deal."

He's probably wrong about "everybody" using it. But he may be right about a lot of pitchers using it. And by saying, "It's not a big deal," he may be sticking up for a fellow Dominican, much like those jackasses who held up banners and Dominican flags in the old Yankee Stadium's bleachers for Pedro Martinez when he pitched his 17-strikeout one-hitter in 1999.

(You want to do that, fine, but don't do it in the bleachers. Those seats are for people who want the Yankees to win, and don't give a damn about the nationality of either side's players: The uniform is the flag.)

Sox manager John Farrell got cute: "Guys look to create a grip, but, typically, you're not looking to be as blatant as him." (Meaning Pineda.)

Oh, I see: Farrell's not mad that Pineda "cheated." He's mad that Pineda got caught.

Why? Why is getting caught cheating worse than the actual cheating? And, if it is, why, then, play David Ortiz, who cheated, lied about it, got caught, and lied about it again -- just like Pineda? Apparently, what's good for Pinstriped goose (not to be confused with Rich Gossage) isn't good for the Red-Socked gander.

Maybe Farrell's just pissed that, now, the umpires will be looking at Sox pitchers, to see if they're cheating.

Yeah, don't bet on the umps investigating Sox pitchers the same way. He's still new to this rivalry, and may not know: A Red Sox player can do whatever he wants, because the Red Sox winning is good for Major League Baseball's profits. Whereas a Yankee player can't do anything that looks to the Red Sox like it's "unfair," because, apparently -- the evidence since 1996 to the contrary -- the Yankees winning isn't good for MLB's profits.

Funny, I didn't see Pete Rozelle and Paul Tagliabue getting upset when the Dallas Cowboys won. Or David Stern when the Chicago Jordans, the Los Angeles Kobes and the Miami LeBrons won. Or Gary Bettman when the Pittsburgh Crosbys and the 2 Los Angeles teams (the Anaheim Ducks in 2007 and the L.A. Kings in 2012) won.

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Oh yes, there was a game last night. Whatever Pineda was doing last night, clearly, it wasn't working, because the Sox already led 2-0 when he got tossed. Joe Girardi leafed through his Binder, and sent David Phelps out to replace him, and he allowed 2 more runs. Matt Thornton, Preston Claiborne and Adam Warren were more or less fine from then on.

But it didn't matter, because the fried-chicken-gulping, beer-swilling bastard John Lackey shut the Yankee bats down. Aside from an RBI single by Alfonso Soriano in the 6th, the Yankees didn't get any runs home. They left 7 men on base.

Red Sox 5, Yankees 1. WP: Lackey (3-2). No save. LP: Pineda (2-2).

The series concludes tonight, with CC Sabathia opposed by Felix Doubront. How will the Red Sox try to game the system this time? Probably by hiding CC's pregame meal, so he's hungry.

That's fine, of course. So says MLB. After all, it's not "cheating" if the Red Sox do it.

UPDATE: Right after I first posted this, MLB's decision came down: Pineda has, indeed, been suspended for 10 games. He'll miss starts at home to Seattle, and either home to Tampa Bay or away to Anaheim.

Swish Not Enough This Time, as Lester Stops Us Cold

Yesterday was a typical Fox Saturday Game of the Week for the Yankees: It was against the Red Sox, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver announced as if they hate the Yankees, and we lost to The Scum.

Jon (Mo) Lester (No, I did not think up that nickname. I can't remember who did) hasn't had a good season, but yesterday he stopped us cold. We only got 7 hits off him: 3 by Nick Swisher (who is still smacking the ball all over the yard), 2 by Curtis Granderson (including his 32nd home run of the season), and 1 each by Ichiro Suzuki and Eric Chavez. Granderson and Derek Jeter also reached base due to walks.

David Phelps' pitching was all right, allowing 3 runs on 7 hits and no walks for 6 2/3 innings. Had the Yankees hit for him, it might have worked out.

Red Sox 4, Yankees 1. WP: Lester (7-10). SV: Former Yankee Alfredo Aceves (25). LP: Phelps (3-4).

The series concludes tonight, as an ESPN Sunday Night Baseball game: Hiroki Kuroda pitces for us, and Josh "Super Punk" Beckett for The Scum.

Enough Is Enough! I Have Had It

In the top of the 1st inning at Yankee Stadium II last night, it was clear that Yankee starter Freddy Garcia (4-5) did not have it against the Boston Red Sox, a.k.a. The Scum. He gave up a leadoff home run to that little pissant Jacoby Ellsbury. Then he walked that schmuck Dustin Pedroia. Then he allowed an RBI triple to that big galoot Adrian Gonzalez. Then he finally got on out, Kevin Youkilis, that asshole, wiggling his own, on a sacrifice fly to make it 3-0 before the Yankees so much as came to bat. He allowed another run in the 2nd, on an RBI double to Pedroia, before Joe Girardi finally took him out.

Luis Ayala got through the 3rd inning, but was hurt. So Girardi brought in Hector Noesi, and he did what we were hoping Garcia might do: He pitched 6 strong innings, allowing The Scum only 2 runs. Good job by the rookie, he may be a find. If he can pitch 6 in relief, he can pitch 6 as a starter.

(By the way, Cliff Lee is only 5-5, and has a higher ERA than Bartolo Colon, and not that much lower than Garcia, and he pitches in the NL, where he faces pitchers instead of designated hitters. So anybody who thinks the Yankees lost anything by not signing Lee is a fucking moron.)

The 2 runs that Noesi allowed? On a home run by David "Big Papi" Ortiz, the big fat lying caught steroid cheater.

But that wasn't the worst of it: The worst of it is that the big fat lying caught steroid cheater's homer came after the bottom of the 1st.

What happened in the bottom of the 1st? Sox start Jon "Mo" Lester (I did not make that nickname up) hit Mark Teixeira. Who's only leading the Yankees in home runs and runs batted in.

He had to leave the game -- although this did allow Jorge Posada to play 1st base and get his 1st and 2nd hits of the season off a lefthanded pitcher, plus a 3rd against a righthander. After one of the worst seasonal starts in Yankee history, Jorge is now batting .195.

Later in the inning, knowing that Teixeira had been replaced by Posada, a catcher, what does Lester do? He hits Russell Martin, the Yankees' regular catcher. He did not have to leave the game, thankfully.

Anybody think those plunkings were accidental? The hell they were! Maybe the 1st one could be explained as just losing a little control, but a 2nd one, in the same inning, on a player at a position where the Yankees can't afford to lose one? And don't tell me Lester was a little nervous, that he was unnerved by the rivalry: This son of a bitch has been in the majors since 2006.

Yes, I know, he has survived cancer. That does not make him a good person. Eric Abidal of FC Barcelona has survived cancer, but he grabbed the throat of Robin van Persie of Arsenal during a game in the 2011 Champions League. He is a rotten person, and so is Lester, and so is every player on the Red Sox. They truly are scum.

Red Sox pitchers have been intentionally hitting Yankee batters for years, and they always get away with it! But let a Yankee pitcher hit a Red Sox batter, and they whine like the little bitches that they are, and the Yankee pitcher gets tossed and fined!

And when the Boston Fat Boy came to the plate afterward? And after his homer? Did a Yankee pitcher hit him? Has a Yankee pitcher ever purposely hit the one man whose cheating-aided bat has made the difference between the Red Sox winning 2 World Series and still hearing "1918" chants? No. And they let him hit another home run off him.

Let him. Absolutely invited him to do so.

I don't know what team Samuel L. Jackson roots for -- he's from Washington, D.C., so he may have rooted for the old Washington Senators growing up -- but if he were a Yankee Fan, he'd be saying what I'm saying here:

Enough is enough! I have had it with this motherfucking cheating by these motherfucking Red Sox!

David Ortiz should overcome his corpulence and get down on his knees and thank God and Bud Selig -- he probably can't tell the difference -- that he's even allowed to play professional baseball after being a big fat lying cheating steroid user, getting caught, lying about it, and getting exposed as such.

Enough is enough. I have had it with the Red Sox. Start hitting them. And if you get fined and suspended, take Selig to court. Either apply the rules equally (if you're going to toss a Yankee pitcher for hitting a Sox batter, any Sox batter, then toss Lester for purposely hitting both Teixeira and Martin), or don't apply the rules at all, and let the players do what they want, and may the last team standing win.

This is disgusting. Ortiz should be banned for life, the Sox' titles stricken from the record, and Lester suspended for at least one start, or until Teix returns, whichever is longer.

But we have a spineless milquetoast in the commissioner's office, and as long as the Red Sox are winning, he will pander to them.

Anyway, Derek Jeter got 2 more hits. He needs 12 for 3,000. He now has a good chance to get it on this homestand.

Final score, Scum 6, Good Guys 4.

The Yankees and Red Sox are tied for 1st place, although the Yankees still lead by a game in the All-Important Loss Column.

The series continues tonight. A.J. Burnett (who better be "Good A.J." tonight) against the elderly knuckleballer Tim Wakefield.

You remember Wakefield, right? He threw this pitch.

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Jeter hits 2988 12
Rivera saves 575 26
A-Rod homers 623 140
A-Rod hits 2730 270
Magic Number 103 (to eliminate Scum, 100 for Rays, 99 for Jays & O's)