I do everything the opposite of Mike. I root for the Mets, the Rangers, Penn State and Manchester United. I like disco music. I vote Republican. Because I'm evil! I eat at Chik-fil-A, and I shop at Walmart. Because I'm evil!
I hate dogs. I hate cats. You know what I got for pets? A snake, and a ferret. They're evil, too.
When I watch The Wizard of Oz, I root for the Witch. When I watch Star Wars movies, I root for Darth Vader and the Empire. When I watch West Side Story, I root for Officer Krupke. When I watch a Godfather film, I cheer whenever a member of the Corleone family dies or gets beaten up. Even the innocent women? Especially the innocent women. Because I'm evil!
I love The Office, and my favorite character on M*A*S*H was Frank Burns. I wear an Izod Lacoste sweater and Nike sneakers. Like Mike, I grew up in New Jersey. Unlike him, I moved to Florida. You know, because of the taxes! The only thing I miss about New Jersey is Taylor ham! That's right, I call it Taylor ham, not pork roll! Because I'm evil!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go. Hobby Lobby is having a sale!
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I first created the character of Bernard, my evil twin, for the parody-song website Amiright.com in 2006, with "My Evil Twin, Naturally." I "killed him off" 2 years later, with "Total Eclipse of Bernard." But I found that sweater in my closet, and I didn't even remember having it. I figured, it must have been one of his, so I brought the character back, just for a day.
