Sunday, January 1, 2017

Things I Never Want to See Again Starting in 2017

Things I never want to see again, starting in 2017:

* Yankee caps in any color other than a white interlocking N-Y on a navy blue field. The star-spangled N-Y on patriotic holidays is the only acceptable exception. No green, no yellow, and for crying out loud, no pink.

* People holding teams to different standards. If it's wrong if it's done by a team from outside New England, it's wrong for a team from inside New England. If you wouldn't tolerate it being done by the Yankees (or the Giants, or the Red Bulls), don't tolerate it when it's done by the Red Sox (or the Patriots, or the Revolution).

* Met fans saying their team is going to "take back New York." You had your chance. It's over.

* Ranger fans saying that Devils fans are jealous of their history. "77 Years, 1 Cup" cancels out any benefit you get from being an "Original Six" team.

* Saying, "I've always been a Dallas Cowboys fan." There are 2 possibilities. One is that you just became one when they got really good again. You're a bandwagoner. The other is that you're telling the truth. This is not an improvement. It means, at the least, you put up with them in the 1990s. Maybe even in their drug-addled 1970s, when "God's Coach" Tom Landry looked the other way, as long as they won. And speaking of coaches putting up a false image of a clean program...

* Saying, "Penn State's redemption is complete." Is Richard Nixon's redemption complete? Is Jefferson Davis'? How about Benedict Arnold's? Look, even if you want to say, "Once Joe Paterno's legacy is fully gone, they'll be redeemed," that won't happen this calendar year. Fifth-year seniors who will play football for Penn State in Autumn 2017 would have been recruited by Paterno. So, if a redemption of Jerry Sandusky University is possible, it won't happen until at least 2018.

* People not knowing their history. No, you can throw your stats out the window: Until he wins several Pennants, Mike Trout is not the new Mickey Mantle. Cristiano Ronaldo isn't even the greatest Ronaldo to have played for Real Madrid in this Century. Wilt Chamberlain was a better basketball player than Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. Call back when any of those averages 50 points per game for an entire season. They didn't have 3-point shots in those days, either. Nor did they have an expansion-diluted league.

Also, when Tom Brady wins a Super Bowl without himself, or his coach, cheating, it will be his first. Don't even think about putting him in a "greatest quarterback ever" discussion. That comes down to 2 guys: Johnny Unitas and Joe Montana.

Also, I'm sorry that Craig Sager is dead, but he was no fashion innovator. Lindsey Nelson was wearing ridiculous jackets on sports broadcasts even before most people had the color TV sets necessary to see how ridiculous they were.

Also, John Madden was both a great coach and a great analyst before anyone ever thought to slap his name on a video game.

Outside of sports:

* The term "bae." It means "Before Anyone Else." Saying that suggests that, to paraphrase the old saying, If you can't be with the one you love, you're willing to love the one you're with. If you love someone, they shouldn't be BAE, they should be IOAE: Instead Of Anyone Else. The marriage vow usually includes the words, "forsaking all others." Fidelity, whether you're married to the person you love or not, isn't just respectful, it's just plain simpler.

* The term "totes." It was bad enough when the word "totally" was said with a Valley Girl accent.

* Calling something that suggests poverty "ghetto." You know, that term described poor Jewish neighborhoods centuries before it described poor black ones.

* Calling Coors Light "beer." It's barley-flavored water.

I once mistyped that as "barely-flavored water." I left it alone, because it's also true.

* Using Jersey Shore as the stereotype for the Jersey Shore. Those guys were all from New York, anyway. Most of them from Staten Island. I used to call it "The 22nd County of New Jersey." Now, as far as I'm concerned, The City can keep it. A place so wretched, it's got all the drawbacks of New Jersey, and all the drawbacks of New York City, and few of the perks of either one.

* People not knowing their history outside of sports. Mariah Carey -- who is getting a raw deal for last night's fiasco on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve -- had a hit song titled "Shake It Off" years before Taylor Swift did. Neil Sedaka had a Number 1 song titled "Bad Blood" nearly 15 years before Taylor was even born. (He also had a hit song titled "Stairway to Heaven" 10 years before Led Zeppelin did.) The Cars had a hit song titled "Shake It Up" nearly 20 years before a Disney Channel series of that title came along.

Speaking of New Year's Eve, Ryan Seacrest is, indeed, a poor imitation of Dick Clark. But don't say, "It just isn't the same without Dick Clark." That's what my parents' and grandparents' generations said about Guy Lombardo. (No, not the old Green Bay Packers coach.)

Speaking of Disney, Selena meant Quintanilla-Perez long before it meant Gomez, and Demi meant Moore long before it meant Lovato. I'm not saying Gomez and Lovato aren't good people (they seem to be), or that their music is bad (though it's certainly not to my taste). I am saying, Don't list just the first name, and expect people over 30 to know for sure who you mean.

And today's TV is not, on the average, better than TV in years past. No, The Wire and The Shield were not better cop shows than NYPD Blue, Hill Street Blues, Barney Miller, or even freakin' Dragnet. No, Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones are not the best TV shows ever. This was even done by my generation: Not only was Seinfeld not funnier or better-written than The Honeymooners, but Kramer was an obvious ripoff of Ed Norton. I'd say, "The Simpsons, better than the Saturday morning cartoons I used to watch? Don't make me laugh!" Except The Simpsons
already doesn't make me laugh. It never has.

* And finally, saying, "Give Trump a chance." He gets exactly the same amount of chance as his supporters gave to President Obama: Not just zero, but a negative chance.

He is to be treated as an illegitimate pretender to the Presidency. Not just because he lost the popular vote by 2.8 million -- ironically, roughly the population of Obama's adopted hometown of Chicago -- but because the Russians hacked the election for him, so he could favor them, as Obama didn't and Hillary Clinton wouldn't.

He gets no "chance" from me, unless he actually does help. Which is about as likely as the Chicago Cubs winning the...

...the Super Bowl.

Damn, there goes a perfectly good analogy.

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