Friday, June 18, 2010

Nothing Makes Sense at the World Cup

Nothing makes sense at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Including the fact that tonight begins another Yankees-Mets series -- remember, it's not a World Series, so it's not a Subway Series -- and the Devils finally hired a new coach, and I'm talking about soccer.

Here are the things that don't make sense, in alphabetical order by country (thus allowing me to list America first, in the A's, not in the U's for "U.S." or "U.S.A."):

* My fellow Americans, we have finally arrived as a proper "football nation." We have been screwed by a referee at a World Cup. We should have beaten Slovenia.

Not that they were a bad team, but they were beatable. But we played the first half like garbage. Sorry, forgot to "speak English" there: We were rubbish, we were fucking rubbish. That first goal, it might not have been savable, but Tim Howard should have at least moved. Then we fail to get off a good shot with several chances, and the opponent comes rushing back and scores a goal when clearly offside. Throw in the hacking at our legs, and "It's just like watching Arsenal."

But Bob Bradley must've made some kind of halftime speech, because, "Two-nil, and you fucked it up!" Landon Donovan got off his ass and scored the 1st, and the coach's son Michael Bradley hit a corker in the 81st. But Maurice Edu's game-winner in the 85th was waved off for no reason other than that the referee was a bald cunt. We won fair and square, and we was robbed.

* Cameroon. Does manager Paul Le Guen realize that he has Alex Song in his side? He left Song on the bench. Does he realize that he was playing Samuel Eto'o -- arguably the best player in the world if you're going by club performance these last 2 seasons -- out of position?

* France. Paul Domenech -- who looks like Sacha Baron Cohen's character Borat -- has ruined one of the great national football teams. Patrice Evra was crying like Tonya Harding before and after the game, and this is your Captain? France are old.

* Germany destroys Australia, looking like they might be the best team in the tournament, looking more like a typically flashy Netherlands team than the dour, uber-defensive German squads we've come to know. And then they get beat 1-0 this morning by Serbia? And who do you root for in that one? Germany hasn't been committing genocide for 63 years, Serbia was last doing that only 11 years ago. The Krauts vs. the Serbs? What, did the Galactic Empire and the Cardassian Union fail to qualify? Did Darth Vader get called for a handball? Whoops, awkward comment...

* Greece. How could they look so bad against Korea, and then beat Nigeria?

* Italy are old, too. These guys won the World Cup 4 years ago, but a lot can change in 4 years, including Marcello Lippi going from genius manager to bonehead. I'm still expecting him to bring Gigi Riva and Sandro Mazzola on in the late minutes of one of their remaining games. (Note for the soccer neophyte): Those guys were superstars of the late Sixties and early Seventies, members of the Italy team that made it to the 1970 Final.)

* Korea (the real one) looked marvelous in beating Greece, but then got stripped by Argentina. And then Korea (the Red one), supposedly the worst team in the tournament, held Brazil to a standstill for three-quarters of the game, and only lost 2-1? Huh?

* New Zealand won a World Cup match. That had never happened before. I can hear Lucy Lawless singing from here!

* South Africa. Desperately trying to not become the first host country to fail to get out of the Group Stage, they had a nice 1-0 lead over Mexico before settling for a 1-1 tie, then got embarrassed by Uruguay.

* Spain. All that hype, all those Barcelona players, and they lose to Switzerland? And not because they kept getting carded for being diving cunts (or even for having Ozzfest hair), but because they couldn't score? Maybe they should have started Arsenal Captain Cesc Fabregas. If those Barca bastards want Cesc so much, they should tell manager Vicente del Bosque to start Cesc.

After 4 years of trying to learn this game since the last World Cup, I still don't get it.

Then again, I've been watching baseball for a third of a century, and I still don't understand that game. Nobody does. Maybe soccer has that in common with baseball: Just when you think you understand it, it slugs you in the gut and proves that you don't understand nothin'. If you think you do, you're deluding yourself.

As the English would say, "Bollocks."

UPDATE: Speaking of England, they only got a 0-0 draw with Algeria, supposedly a weak team. I'm too stunned to gloat.

Wayne Rooney, the "fat ugly Scouser" who spurned boyhood club Everton to go to Manchester United (hating them is one of the few things both Everton and crosstown rival Liverpool agree on), and is now regarded as the best striker in England if not the world, doesn't have the English FA and its referees to protect him in this tournament, and he's not used to not getting his way, and as the England fans booed their team off the pitch, Rooney tells an interviewer -- this is translated from whatever the hell language he speaks -- "Nice, ain't it? Own fans booing you, just 'cause you don't win a football match."

Welcome to the real world, Wooney you cunt pig bastard.

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