Friday, May 7, 2010

Back to Scum City

The Yankees swept the Baltimore Orioles at Yankee Stadium II, 4-1, 4-1 and 7-5. Tonight, they head up to Scum City to face, well, The Scum.

Said Scum had been reeling. While the Yankees are off to a strong 19-8 start (and yet, still 1 game behind the Tampa Bay Duffel Bags), the Red Sox got off to an awful start. They are on a 4-game winning streak, but have needed all of that to get on the good side of .500, 15-14. They are 6 1/2 games out of 1st place, and 6 in the AILC (that's the All-Important Loss Column) behind the Yankees.

Tonight, 7:00 (or 7:05, or 7:07, or 7:08, or 7:10, who knows for sure): Phil Hughes (rather than the previously scheduled and seemingly hopeless Javier Vazquez) starts against Josh Beckett, Super Punk himself.

Tomorrow afternoon, 3:00 (or thereabouts), on the Fox Game of the Week, CC Sabathia vs. Clay Buchholz.

Sunday night, 8:00 (or thereabouts), on the ESPN Game of the Week, A.J. Burnett vs. Jon Lester.


Every time I see a Yankee Hater, I think of a scene from M*A*S*H. Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan (played by Loretta Swit) is changing the bandage of a wounded soldier, who's sick of the Army, and he tells her, "I hate your guts!" And without missing a beat, Hot Lips says, "My guts are not here for you to love."

Yankees Universe tops a Red Sox Nation any day. Besides, if there really is a “Red Sox Nation,” then we need to take all these “illegal immigrants” -- the ones with their Red Sox caps, who hang out at places like Professor Thom’s at 219 2nd Avenue (at 14th Street, next to a Yankee Fan bar called Finnerty’s at 221 2nd) and the Riviera Cafe at 225 West 4th Street (at 7th Avenue on Sheridan Square) -- and deport them.


I've tweaked this a couple of times, to better fit the Yanks-Sox rivalry. It is based on Arseblog, the most popular Arsenal FC blog on the planet, who wrote it to describe Manchester United and their fans -- and Man U aren't even Arsenal's biggest rivals, arguably not even their second-biggest. (First are Tottenham Hotspur, second might be Chelsea, and, remember, regardless of whether or not there's an S on the end of the club's name, they are to be referred to in the plural sense: Not "Arsenal is going to beat Fulham on Sunday," but "Arsenal are going to beat Fulham.")

And while I don't share the antipathy that "Arseblogger" has for cloves (but I might if I got to know them better), I do share his loathing for a certain bald English drummer-vocalist (I won't dignify him by calling him a "singer") who roots for 6 different soccer teams, the cunt. So here are my feelings on the subject, aided by Arseblogger (whose name I didn't know at the time, but not only do I now, I've since met him):

We are Yankee Fans. The Red Sox are the enemy. They are The Scum. They are deeply evil people. Their fans, even more so.

The Red Sox would rob your mother at gunpoint.

They would run over your puppy, and then point and laugh, calling it “wicked awesome!”

They would make you listen to Phil Collins.

They would insist on putting cloves on everything. Except their pizza. That, they would cover in oregano and garlic, which I wouldn't mind, except they would pronounce it "gaaahlic!" (Don't give me that look, because Massachusetts native Emeril Lagasse spells it that way on the jar label of one of his sauces, and I looked it up, garlic and oregano do appear to be the most popular pizza toppings in that city.)

They would offer you a Dunkin Donuts iced latte, and put so much sugar in it, it would crunch.

They would force you to watch Ben Affleck films. Films that don’t have either Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Garner in them, so you don't even have something nice to look at.

They would drive really slowly in front of you when you're in a hurry, then speed up so they get through the amber light and leave you stuck at the red.

They would chew gum loudly in your ear.

They would pick their teeth in public.

They would knock down old ladies.

If they ever put a Red Sox fan into space, he would probably fart in the airlock.

They are hypocrites: They would get hopelessly drunk, throw thing onto the field, and call you and your fellow Yankee Fans “fuckin’ faggots” and “the worst fans in the world,” and would call your team a bunch of cheaters for using steroids and outspending everyone -- and demand that you overlook that, until 2009, the two highest-spending teams ever to win the World Series were the 2004 and 2007 Red Sox, led by proven steroid freaks David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez (and possibly others).

They are not our rivals. They are not our competitors. They are not our peers.

They are the enemy. Treat them as such.

And in the face of such monstrous evil, such hideous, inebriated, tantrum-throwing, bigoted, monster-faced malevolence, make sure you let our boys know that they are fighting the good fight, on the side of truth and righteousness. For, after all, they are The New York Yankees. And we are Yankee Fans.

1918* Forver. Beat The Scum!

Da da da DAT da daaaa! Charrrrge!

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