I Hate Miami

I hate Miami. I hate that it was where a Presidential election was stolen. But I hated it before November 2000.

I hate the fakeness of the place. I hate that it's pink and aqua-green. I hate flamingoes.

I hate the Miami Dolphins. I hate the Miami Heat. I hate the University of Miami Hurricanes. I know the Florida Panthers are closer to downtown Fort Lauderdale than to downtown Miami, but I hate them, too.

I used to root for Penn State when they played the thuggish Hurricanes. Of course, now that I've seen the true character of that damned Paterno... but that's a subject for another time.

And I hate the Florida Marlins. The first time the Yankees ever had to play an Interleague series, in June 1997, it was in Miami at Joe Robbie Stadium. Uh, Pro Player Stadium. Er, Dolphin Stadium. Ulp, Land Shark Stadium. (Land Shark? Who's throwing out the first ball, Chevy Chase?) And they lost two of three to the Marlins. The Marlins ruined the Cleveland Indians' best chance to win a World Series since 1948. The Marlins beat the Giants, Braves and Indians in the 1997 postseason; they beat the Giants, Cubs and Yankees in the 2003 postseason; in each case, even though all three teams were better. The Marlins got lucky. (I still hate Jeff Weaver.)

Two years ago, I was at a certain restaurant with the family when Phil Hughes got hurt while pitching a no-hitter against the Mets, and hasn't been the same since. Today, first time I've eaten with the family at that same restaurant since, and the Yankees are playing the Marlins, and CC Sabathia gets hurt and leaves the game in the second inning. As with that earlier game, the Yankees ended up losing.

I hate Miami, and I'm thinking of boycotting that restaurant chain. Or, at least, not eating there with the family while the Yankees are playing.

I know, I know, Florida voted Democratic last November. But I still hate the Marlins. And the Dolphins. And the Heat. And the Panthers. And the Hurricanes.

The only thing I like about Miami is that Jennifer Lopez basically lives there now. But then, that's another reason to hate Miami, isn't it? They took her! Bastards...

Screw Jeffrey Loria. He never should have been allowed to wreck the Montreal Expos and buy the Marlins and win a World Series. A real Commissioner would step in, confiscate the Marlins, and move them to Montreal to take the place of the Expos/Nationals.

But then, baseball hasn't had a real Commissioner since Fay Vincent.