Sports Oscars

Best Actor: Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United. He's got the English media convinced that his club does not cheat. That officials don't give him favorable calls. That TV broadcasters don't give his club a favorable fixture list (schedule). That his players don't dive. That his players don't purposely injure opponents. That his players don't intimidate referees. That his players are true sportsman.

He's even got the notoriously xenophobic convinced that he (Scottish), Darren Fletcher (also Scottish), Ryan Giggs (Welsh), Jonny Evans (Northern Irish), Patrice Evra (French), Nemanja Vidic (Serbian) and Wayne Rooney (Martian) are good, decent Englishmen, and should always be given the benefit of the doubt.

Best Actress: Danica Patrick. She's got people convinced she's a good auto racer, all because she's attractive and media-friendly. Yesterday, she led the Daytona 500 for 2 of its 200 laps (lap 90 and lap 127), making her the 1st woman to lead one of that race's laps under a green flag -- that is, during "normal play," without an accident or bad weather forcing a yellow flag (meaning, "Slow down and hold your position") or a red flag (meaning, "Stop completely").

I hope she does win the damn thing someday, just so all those misogynistic rednecks can kiss her ass and admit that a girl beat their boys at their own fucking game. A girl from the State of Wisconsin, no less. Not just a girl, but a damn Yankee.

Best Supporting Actor: Me. I supported the Yankees in 1982 when they were in 6th place and changing managers left and right, and the quasi-dynasty I thought I was going to grow up with was being, pardon the pun, dismantled. I supported them in 1986 when The Other Team went all the way. I supported them in 1990 when they finished dead last and the owner was banned.

I supported them in 2004 when The Scum beat them and went all the way. I supported them in 2006, the only time since 1988 that The Other Team has gone farther (for all the good it did them). I supported them in 2007, when The Scum went all the way again and the Mitchell Report came out. And I've supported them through the last 5 months, which, by Yankee standards, have been pretty rough.

I also supported the Devils in their early days in the 1980s when they were, to use Wayne Gretzky's words, "a Mickey Mouse organization," and in 1994 when The Scum (NHL edition) beat them and went all the way. I supported Rutgers and the Nets when they were making New Jersey sports a joke -- something the Nets will never, ever do again, even if Rutgers sure did this past November. And I've supported Arsenal through their current trophyless period: Go ahead, cite the 8-year drought, but don't you fucking dare call me a "gloryhunter." If I was, I would have given up on them by now.

Best Supporting Actress: Lisa Swan, co-author of Subway Squawkers. She's done a remarkable job of supporting not just the Yankees in general, but Alex Rodriguez in particular. This year, she beat out Laura Posada, which she should appreciate.

Best Director: Joe Torre. Yes, I know, he's retired. So what.

Best Picture: This one.

And finally, Best Oscar in Sports to the late, great Oscar Madison, played by Jack Klugman on The Odd Couple.

It's just as well that Oscar Pistorius didn't win the award. I don't think he would have been available to accept it.