Sunday, April 4, 2010

Opening Day Is Here: Beat The Scum!

Opening Day is here. In approximately half an hour from this writing, the New York Yankees will begin the 2010 season against the Boston Red Sox, at that little green pinball machine off Kenmore Square.

To paraphrase a brilliant blogger I know of, who has a hilarious page devoted to a team I love from a different sport (and say hello to Mrs. Blogs for me, lad, and "Up the Arsenal!"):

We are Yankee Fans. The Red Sox are the enemy. They are The Scum. They are deeply evil people. Their fans, even more so.

Red Sox fans would rob your mother at gunpoint.

They would run over your puppy, and then point and laugh.

They would make you listen to Phil Collins.

They would insist on putting cloves on everything.

They would dip their pizza in ketchup.

They would offer you a cup of coffee, then serve you chicory.

They would force you to watch Ben Affleck films.

They would kidnap you, drag you into their basements, tie you up, and torture you by reading to you (the few among them who aren't functionally illiterate, that is) from the collected columns of Howie Carr.

They would drive really slowly in front of you when you're in a hurry, then speed up so they get through the amber light and leave you stuck at the red.

They would chew gum loudly in your ear.

They would tell you that both of the World Series they have won since World War I were legit, never mind how Manny and Papi were caught cheating, and then go on and on about things we have done "wrong."

They would wear white after Labor Day. White underwear. Really, really tight white underwear. And in said underwear, dance a jig on the pitcher's mound.

They would choose Megan Fox over Catherine Zeta-Jones.

They would pick their teeth in public.

They would knock down old ladies.

If ever a Red Sox fan were put into space -- a one-way ticket would be proper -- he would probably fart in the airlock.

They are not our rivals, not our competitors, not our peers.

They are the enemy. Treat them as such.

And in the face of such monstrous evil, such hideous, cheating, headhunting, 72-year-old coach-assaulting, tantrum-throwing, Sam Adams-guzzling, R-dropping, monster-faced malevolence, make sure you let our boys know that they are fighting the good fight, on the side of truth and righteousness.

For, after all, they are The New York Yankees. And we are Yankee Fans.

Da da da DAT da daaaa! Charrrrge!


Time left until Opening Day of the 2010 baseball season: Mere minutes.

Days until the Devils play another local rival: 6, Saturday night, at home against the Islanders, wrapping up the regular season the next day at home against the Buffalo Sabres. There's still a chance they could play the Rangers, or, more likely, the Flyers in the Playoffs, but if the current standings hold, it'll be the 2nd-seeded Devils against the 7th-seeded Boston Bruins. More Scum Town.

Days until the last Nets game at the Meadowlands: 8. Just over a week. Who knows, they may even have a 12th win by then.

Days until the Yankees' 2010 home opener: 9.

Days until the next North London Derby between Arsenal and Tottenham: 10.

Days until the 2010 World Cup begins: 67.

Days until the World Cup Final: 98.

Days until Rutgers plays football again: 153.

Days until East Brunswick plays football again: 159.

Days until the new Meadowlands Stadium (still unnamed) opens: 161.

Days until the next East Brunswick-Old Bridge Thanksgiving clash: 235.

Days until Derek Jeter collects his 3,000th career hit: 423 (estimated).

Days until the Rutgers-Army football game at Yankee Stadium: 587.

Days until the last Nets game in New Jersey: 735 (estimated).

Days until the 2012 Olympics begin in London: 855.

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