Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Met Fan Jokes
Did it ever occur to them that "Citi Field" might rhyme with something profane? (Edit: This was before I started using profanity in this blog.)
Q: How many Mets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. The lights always end up turned out on the Mets anyway, and their management is certainly in the dark.
Q: How many Met fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it will be a very dim bulb.
Did you hear the Mets signed Michael Jackson? Just what they need: Another guy demanding too much money, another guy too old to play baseball, another guy more interested in a recording career than in playing baseball, and another guy who wears a glove on only one hand for no apparent reason. At least, unlike the rest of the Mets, he admits he's "Bad."
(UPDATE: Jackson was still alive when I wrote this.)
Two soldiers are captured by the enemy in Iraq. One's a Yankee Fan and the other's a Met fan. They are told they will be executed, but that they will have one last request.
The Met fan says, "I want to sing 'Meet the Mets' one last time."
The Yankee Fan says, "If that's his last request, then my last request is that you shoot me first."
Three soldiers are captured by the enemy in Iraq. One's a Yankee Fan, one's a Red Sox fan, and the other's a Met fan. They are told they will be executed at dawn.
So the Yankee Fan comes up with a plan: "These are very superstitious people." And the Red Sox fan says, "So am I. What's your point?" The Yankee Fan says, "When they're about to shoot, I'll yell, 'Earthquake!' And they'll all run for cover, and I'll make a run for it and escape. You guys do the same thing."
So at dawn, the Yankee Fan is led out to the firing squad, and the commandant says, "Ready! Aim!... " And the Yankee Fan yells, "Earthquake!" And everybody runs, and the Yankee Fan makes it to safety.
Now the commandant is mad, but, hey, he's still got two Americans to kill. So the Red Sox fan is led out, and he thinks, "I want to get out of here alive, but I don't want to copy the Yankee Fan, just because Theo Esptein is now copying George Steinbrenner by throwing money at players. I'll have to think of something different to yell."
So the firing squad is ready, and the commandant says, "Ready! Aim!... " And the Red Sox fan yells, "Tornado!" And everybody runs, and the Red Sox fan makes it to safety.
Now the commandant is really mad, but, hey, he's still got one American to kill. So the Met fan is led out, and he thinks, "I want to get out of here alive, but I don't want to copy the Yankee Fan, because the Yankees suck. I'll have to think of something different to yell."
So the firing squad is ready, and the commandant says, "Ready! Aim!... "
And the Met fan yells, "Fire!"
Q: What are the two best things to come out of Shea Stadium?
A: The 2000 New York Yankees and the World Championship Trophy.
Q: Why do the Mets still have Mr. Met as a mascot?
A: They need somebody on the team with a bigger head than Jose Reyes.
Every year, Met fans think their team is going all the way. And, every year, they go all the way down the drain.
Q: Why is the train to Shea Stadium the Number 7 train?
A: To remind Met fans they blew a seven-game lead with 17 to play in 2007.
A boy tells his mother he wants to be a Met fan when he grows up. His mother says, "Son, you can't do both."
A guy wearing a Yankee cap and a Number 2 Derek Jeter jersey walks into a bar, and says, "Hey bartender, did you ever hear the one about the Mets?" Four huge guys stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We're all Met fans. You still wanna tell that joke?" And the guy says, "Naw, I don't wanna have to explain it four times."
You know, there WAS baseball before 1969... Just because it happened before Tom Seaver doesn't mean it doesn't count. But even if it did work that way, it's still Yankees 6, Mets 2!
Q: What's the difference between the Yankees and the Mets?
A: In October 1999, the Mets thought John Rocker was an ass. In October 1999, the Yankees knocked Rocker on his ass.
In 1979, Pope John Paul II visited both New York ballparks. He came to Yankee Stadium first. Gee, maybe the Pope really is infallible.
A few borrowed (or adapted) from Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck" routine...
If you refer to the 5th grade as "My senior year"... you might be a Met fan.
If you stare at a container of orange juice because it says "Concentrate"... you might be a Met fan.
If you call yourself a light beer drinker because you drink beer until it gets light... you might be a Met fan.
If you use a gas station bathroom and you wonder why it's so clean and spacious... you might be a Met fan. (The bathrooms at Shea aren't known for their cleanliness or spaciousness.)
If you go to a movie theater in a group of at least 18, because it says, "Under 17 not admitted"... you might be a Met fan.
If Ralph Kiner always made perfect sense to you... you might be a Met fan. (Ralph's a great guy, but he's had some doozies over the years, including calling Darryl Strawberry "Darryl Throneberry" and "George Strawberry," and calling himself "Ralph Korner," and saying, "We'll be right back after this message from Manufacturer's Hangover" instead of calling the bank by its real name, "Manufacturer's Hanover.")
If you think Dom Perignon is a Mob leader... you might be a Met fan. (Hey, what would a Met fan know about champagne?)
(Along the same lines... )
If you think Sonny should've been the Don, and that Fredo was smart... you might be a Met fan. (That's Sonny Corleone, not Bono.)
If you think the four basic food groups are Kahn's hot dogs, peanuts, RC Cola and Dippin Dots... you might be a Met fan.
(Obviously, these aren't Foxworthy jokes.)
If you cried more over the Shea concession stand's switch from RC to Pepsi than you did over the Yadier Molina home run... you might be a Met fan.
If you hear "Dent" and instead of "Bucky" you think of the dent you made in the outside wall of Shea Stadium after one too many ballpark beers... you might be a Met fan.
If you bought Gillette Foamy shaving cream because Ed Kranepool did commercials for it... you might be a Met fan.
If you've ever seen "Network," and instead of yelling, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" you actually do yell, "Let's go Mets!"... you might be a Met fan. (The clip of Howard Beale asking his viewers to yell, "I'm as mad as hell... " is used on the Shea DiamondVision as a way of getting them to chant... you know... )
If you think Mike Lupica is a great writer and Filip Bondy is a blowhard... you might be a Met fan.
If you say Gil Hodges belongs in the Hall of Fame, and someone says, "Yes, after all, he was such a great first baseman for the Brooklyn Dodgers," and you say, "Wait a minute: You mean the Dodgers used to play in Brooklyn?"... you might be a Met fan.
And my favorite... One I made up all by myself...
A Met fan, a Red Sox fan, and an Orioles fan are drinking together at a bar. The Orioles fan says, "I'm sick of the Yankees winning! I'm really sick of hearing 40,000 Yankee Fans coming into Camden Yards and taking over our ballpark! That's it! I can't take it anymore! I'm going back home to Baltimore, and I'm gonna jump off the Francis Scott Key Bridge!"
The Red Sox fan says, "You think you've got it bad? You weren't tormented by Yankee Fans for 86 years! Even after we finally won two World Series, they tell us we'll never catch up! Bucky Dent! Aaron Boone! Nettles wrecking Lee's shoulder! Boggs and Clemens going to the Yankees for rings! While Yaz and Ted had none! That's it! I can't take it anymore! I'm going back home to Boston, and I'm gonna jump off the Prudential Building!"
The Met fan says, "You think you've got it bad? At least you never lost a World Series to those guys! At least you don't have to live in the same city with them! At least you don't have to hear, every damn day, about 26 World Championships and Ruth and Gehrig and DiMaggio and Mantle and Reggie and Donnie Baseball and Derek Jeter and A-Rod! Monuments! Pennants! Hall-of-Famers! Dwight Gooden and David Cone pitching no-hitters with them! And Joe Torre winning World Series! For them! It never ends! That's it! I can't take it anymore! I'm going back home to New York... and I'm gonna jump off the Lincoln Tunnel!"
Like I said, I don't wanna say Met fans are dumb... Yeah, I do! Met fans are dumb!
Hey, Keith Hernandez: Nice game, pretty boy! Now how about going off the Rusty Staub diet?