Thursday, February 14, 2008

Even If He's Right, Roger Clemens Is Slime

He throws his wife under the bus. He throws his dear friend Andy Pettitte overboard. And even if Brian McNamee is the one lying (and he has lied, about many things), Roger Clemens still associated with that piece of slime long after he knew McNamee was a piece of slime.

To paraphrase George Lucas, "Who is slimier: The slimeball, or the slimeball who keeps him around?"

The last time a Yankee had an abscess on... that area, it was from Mickey Mantle going to the wrong doctor to get a flu shot. The last time before that, Joe DiMaggio noticed a red spot there, and was told, "That's from all those people kissing your ass!"

(Note: This is the first time I used a word that could be considered a profanity in this blog. Why I shied away from it at the beginning of the sentence but used it at the end, I don't remember.)

We can now safely say that if Clemens had an abscess on his ass, that means his entire body was covered with blood, because he is a supreme ass.

But that still doesn't prove his guilt. And even if his guilt is proven, it still doesn't invalidate any of the Yankees' titles. Which is what the Yankee-haters want, and will never get. All they'll get is one Yankee humiliated.

Which, of course, offsets nothing, from the 86 years of Boston drought to the drug use by several 1980s Mets, to the no-hitters Gooden and Cone threw in The Bronx instead of Queens, to the Yankee titles won by Torre, Strawberry, Gooden, Cone, Boggs and... Clemens.

It's also interesting how Andy Pettitte gets to be, in Nyawkese, both a rat and a stand-up guy at the same time. Quite a feat, even more impressive than his Game 5 shutout over the Braves in '96.

But even if you think he is a rat, who would you rather have on your staff: Andy Pettitte as he is right now, or Roger Clemens at his peak? Having Pettitte, as long as he pitches as well as he did last year, won't be a distraction. If he can't pitch that well, then the dropoff can be attributed to age and overuse.

But he'll put this behind him. Clemens can't, and should just go back to Texas and not be seen again. Clemens' only chance now is to sign with someone who doesn't care what sleazy things he may have done. Maybe Isiah Thomas. Maybe Bill Belichick. Maybe George W. Bush -- who also was not born in Texas, but sure learned to lie while professing faith there. The difference, of course, is that Clemens, at the very least, claims to like hard work instead of complaining about it.

Did I say "at the very least?" That reminds me of the argument between the White Sox ghosts in Field of Dreams. One calls another "musclebound." The second one says, "At least I got muscles!" And the first one says, "No, at most you got muscles!" At least in 1919, you couldn't blame it on steroids.

Ultimately, Clemens is in the past, along with some other things Yankee Fans can't be proud of, along with many things Yankee Fans can be proud of.

Now we should focus on the present, when Roger Clemens is no longer our problem. Our problem is how to close the last season of the one and only Yankee Stadium we the Fans ever wanted with Title 27.

Let the solving of said problem begin: 46 days to Opening Day.

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