Good News and Bad News

Catherine Goldberg, born March 9, 1928, died December 21, 2024.

She survived the Great Depression, the Nazi occupation of her homeland,

and 70 years of living in New York City.

I have good news and bad news. The good news is, 2024 is over. The year we lost:

* From acting: David Soul of Starsky & Hutch, Joyce Randolph of The Honeymooners, Carl Weathers, Louis Gossett Jr., Dabney Coleman, Donald Sutherland, Martin Mull, Bob Newhart, James Earl Jones, Maggie Smith. Also, talk-show hosts Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Phil Donahue, exercise expert Richard Simmons, game show host Peter Marshall.

* From music: Shangri-Las singer Mary Weiss, folksinger Melanie Safka, Allman Brothers guitarist Dickey Betts, guitarist Duane Eddy, Four Tops singer Duke Fakir, singer James Darren, singer Tito Jackson, songwriter J.D. Souther, Kris Kristofferson and Quincy Jones.

* From politics: President Jimmy Carter; Senators Jean Carnahan, Fred Harris, Bob Graham, David Pryor, Jim Sasser and Tim Johnson; Representative Sheila Jackson Lee; Russian dissident Alexei Navalny; political matriarch Ethel Kennedy; and civil rights figures Dexter Scott King and Thelma Mothershed Wair.

* From journalism: Charles Osgood of CBS, Robert MacNeil of PBS, and Aaron Brown of ABC and CNN.

* From sports: Baseball players Willie Mays, Carl Erskine, Rocky Colavito, Orlando Cepeda, Luis Tiant, Fernando Valenzuela and Rickey Henderson, and manager Whitey Herzog; football players Jimmy Johnson, Jim Otto, Larry Allen, Joe Schmidt and Billy Shaw; basketball players Jerry West, Bill Walton and Dikembe Mutombo, and coach Lou Carnesecca; hockey star Johnny Gaudreau; soccer legends Mário Zagallo, Gigi Riva, Franz Beckenbauer, Johan Neeskens, Karl-Heinz Schnellinger and George Eastham, and managers César Luis Menotti and Sven-Göran Eriksson; broadcaster Chris Mortensen. (But also sports pariahs Pete Rose and O.J. Simpson.) 

And, in my own family, a beloved dog, Carly the Hug-a-Pug, age 12; and my great aunt, Catherine Goldberg, 96, the last surviving family member from my grandparents' generation. (For perspective: The last survivor from my great-grandparents' generation passed away in 1966, 58 years ago, before I was even born.)

And we lost the White House to Donald Trump again. 

And I had two nasty colds this year.

And, while the New York Liberty won their sport's final, the New York Yankees and the New York Red Bulls lost theirs.

So, yes, 2024 is over. That's the good news.

The bad news is, 2025 isn't looking much better.

As an old Christmas song put it, we'll have to muddle through somehow.

December 31, 1999 & January 1, 2000: The Millennium

December 31, 1999, 25 years ago: The Millennium arrives. The people of planet Earth survived. At a terrible cost. But we hadn't destroyed ourselves. It felt like a great achievement. It was, "Hey, we made it! We actually made it! This is something really worth celebrating!"

January 1, 2000: As time zone after time zone turned over from 11:59 to 12:00, there was great joy -- literally, all over the world.

It didn't last. So far, the 21st Century has been a bust. In words that have been attributed to, among others, Yankee Legend Yogi Berra, then 74 years old, "The future ain't what it used to be."

December 31, 1999 was a Friday. It was the day that Boris Yeltsin resigned as President of Russia, handing the office over to the Prime Minister -- Vladimir Putin. It was the day that Elliot Richardson died. He remains the only person to serve the President of the United States in 4 different Cabinet posts, including Attorney General, an office he resigned rather than follow Richard Nixon's unconstitutional order in "the Saturday Night Massacre" in 1973.

It was also the day that actors Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones announced their engagement. They had to wait to get married until Douglas' divorce from current wife Diandra Luker was final. The ceremony was held on November 18, 2000.

And the computer problem known as "The Y2K Bug"? Not much happened. A few minor things, like scattered automatic teller machines (ATMs) at banks not quite working properly. But that was it: The computers didn't cause an apocalypse, or even an inconvenient power outage.

Why? Because changing the format from one that would have followed 12-31-99 with 01-01-00, and thus caused computers to think it was January 1, 1900, and thus confuse them into not working, into one that would recognize 01-01-2000, was a problem that human society took seriously, and properly handled. We'll never know what would have happened if we got it wrong, because we, as a people, stepped up, did what we had to do, and got it right.

And nobody stepped forward to say that the Y2K Bug was just a hoax perpetrated by liberals to take away your freedom, like gun control already had been for 20 years, and COVID-19 would be 20 years later.

Several big-city arenas hosted concerts, usually (but not exclusively) by local artists. Billy Joel played Madison Square Garden. James Taylor, who grew up in North Carolina and wrote and sang "Carolina In My Mind," played the Raleigh Entertainment and Sports Arena (now the Lenovo Center) in Raleigh.

Cher played Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City. From the New York side of New Jersey rather than from New England, Bruce Springsteen played the FleetCenter (now the TD Garden) in Boston. Quebec native Celine Dion played the Molson Centre (now the Bell Centre) in Montreal.

John Denver, singer of "Rocky Mountain High," the natural choice to play the Pepsi Center (now the Ball Arena) in Denver, was already dead, so the artist in residence that night was New York native Neil Diamond. Elton John played Circus Maximus at Caesars Palace outside Las Vegas. Los Angeles-based rock band The Eagles played that city's Staples Center (now the Crypto.com Arena). NSYNC played the Blaisdell Arena in Honolulu, the arena that had hosted Elvis Presley's "Aloha from Hawaii via Satellite" concert in 1973.

And the American Airlines Arena opened in Miami. Naturally, the choice to open it was Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. The building is now named the Kaseya Center.

Neither Paul McCartney nor Bob Dylan played a concert that night. Michael Jackson was scheduled to play Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, but had to cancel after being injured in a concert in Munich, Germany.

December 31, 1974: The Yankees Hook a Catfish

December 31, 1974, 50 years ago: The era of baseball free agency begins, as the Yankees "hook a Catfish."

James Augustus Hunter was signed out of Perquimans High School in North Carolina by the Kansas City Athletics on June 8, 1964. Team owner Charles O. Finley thought "Jim Hunter" was too ordinary a name, and that he needed a nickname. Charlie asked "Jimmy" (as he was always known to his family) what he liked to do. Jim said he liked to hunt and fish, a common pair of passions for baseball players from rural areas in those days.

So Finley made up a story about how, when he was a boy, Jimmy caught a whole bunch of catfish, and that he had been nicknamed "Catfish Hunter" -- or, sometimes, just "Cat" -- from then on. Of course, no one had ever called him "Catfish" -- or "Cat" -- until June 8, 1964.

Hunter made his debut with the A's in 1965. In 1966, he made the 1st of what turned out to be 8 All-Star Games. The A's moved to Oakland in 1968. That season, Catfish pitched a perfect game. He helped them win the American League Western Division in 1971, and the World Series in 1972, 1973 and 1974. He won the AL Cy Young Award in 1974, leading in both wins (he went 25-12) and ERA. That year, despite Tom Seaver, Steve Carlton, Jim Palmer and Nolan Ryan all being in their prime, he was the best pitcher in baseball.

Charlie Finley was so cheap! (How cheap was he?) He was so cheap, he let the best pitcher in baseball get away because he refused to fulfill a part of the man's contract. The contract that Catfish signed for 1974 was for 2 years -- unusual under the still-holding reserve clause -- for $200,000, or $100,000 per year, which, while no longer a record, was still a benchmark for ballplayers.

But not all of that was salary: The contract stipulated that, in 1974 and again in 1975, Finley would make a $50,000 payment to a life insurance annuity. Since Finley had become rich selling insurance, he should have not only understood this, but respected this.

But after the 1974 season, Finley found out he had to pay $25,000 in taxes, due immediately. (Worth about $152,000 in 2024 money.) So he refused to pay the annuity. Catfish, who had been trying to secure his family's post-baseball future, was normally a very even-tempered man, which helped him a lot while pitching. Over this, though, he hit the roof, and appealed to Peter Seitz, Major League Baseball's arbitrator for contract disputes.

On December 16, 1974, foreshadowing the decision he would make a year later, killing the reserve clause, Seitz ruled in Catfish's favor: He was now a free agent, and the 24 teams then in Major League Baseball were all permitted to bid for his services for 1975 and beyond.

Suddenly, the small town of Hertford, in the Inner Banks of North Carolina, a small town of about 2,000 people, 60 miles south of the Class AAA city of Norfolk, Virginia, became the center of the baseball world. Every team, except the San Francisco Giants, bid for Catfish.

The winning bid came from the New York Yankees. Although team owner George Steinbrenner was suspended from operating the team until the 1976 season, general manager Gabe Paul had his permission to offer Catfish $3.35 million over 5 years -- $670,000 per season, a record at the time. (In today's money, about $4.08 million per year. How quaint that now sounds.)

Catfish actually refused 2 higher bids: From the San Diego Padres, because he was tired of being on the opposite coast from home; and from the Kansas City Royals, because he wanted to play on real grass, and Royals Stadium had artificial turf. (In 1993, that stadium was given both real grass and a new name, Kauffman Stadium, both of which it still has.)

To put the figure in perspective: The player who was paid the most for the 1974 season was Hank Aaron, MLB's new all-time home run leader: $240,000. (About $1.46 million in 2024 money.) Catfish's contract had broken the barriers of $250,000 (a quarter of a million), $300,000, $400,000, $500,000 (half a million) and $600,000.

Catfish struggled at first in 1975, losing his 1st 3 games. In fact, his debut, on April 8, 1975, was also Frank Robinson's 1st game as baseball's 1st black manager, and he hit a home run off Catfish to give the Cleveland Indians the win. But Catfish settled down, and went 23-12. It was his 5th straight season of at least 21 wins.

But all that pitching began to wear on his arm. He went just 17-15 in 1976, still helping the Yankees win the Pennant. He was injured for much of the 1977 and 1978 seasons, but a procedure on his shoulder allowed him to win 6 straight games down the stretch in 1978. After being hit hard in Game 2 of the 1977 World Series, but the Yankees won the Series anyway, Catfish won the clinching Game 6 of the 1978 World Series.

After the 1979 season, the 5th and last year of his contract, Catfish retired. He had always intended to, but his bad shoulder took the decision out of his hands. His final record was 224-166. After that season, the Houston Astros signed Ryan to the 1st contract to break the $1 million-per-season barrier.

Jim "Catfish" Hunter was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1987. Charlie Finley has never been elected. Then again, neither have George Steinbrenner, Gabe Paul and Peter Seitz.

Catfish died in 1999, like Lou Gehrig from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, the disease now named for Gehrig.

In the 2023 season, the New York Mets paid Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander, 2 pitchers whose statistics will make them sure Hall-of-Famers if they don't do anything stupid like Pete Rose did, record salaries of $43,333,333 each. In 1974, that would have been $7.1 million, or 10.6 times Catfish Hunter's former record salary.

December 31, 1934: The Oval Office Opens

December 31, 1934, 90 years ago: The modern Oval Office opens, in the West Wing of the White House in Washington. It has been the seat of power for every President of the United States from Franklin Delano Roosevelt onward.

There is an Oval Room on the 2nd floor of the main building of the White House, and it inspired previous Oval Offices. In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt had the greenhouse on the west side of the building torn down, to make for more office space. He took a corner office, and had it built in an oval shape.

His successor, William Howard Taft, didn't like the design, and had it totally rebuilt. In 1929, a fire gutted the West Wing, and Herbert Hoover had to have it redone. Finally, FDR, wanting to remove every last vestige of Hoover, had it torn down and rebuilt.

That office has been the site of some of the most important speeches broadcast from the White House: FDR's "Fireside Chats" from 1935 to 1944, Dwight D. Eisenhower's announcement of sending federal troops to desegregate Little Rock Central High School in 1957, his Farewell Address warning of the dangers of the military-industrial complex in 1961, John F. Kennedy's announcement of the naval blockade during the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, his announcement of a civil rights bill in 1963, Lyndon Johnson's announcement that he wouldn't seek re-election in 1968, Richard Nixon's "Silent Majority" address in 1969, his resignation in 1974, Jimmy Carter's "Crisis of Confidence" speech in 1979, and Ronald Reagan's memorial to the Space Shuttle Challenger victims in 1986.

To this day, people working in the West Wing feel that others measure their influence by how close they are to "The Oval." Its importance is emphasized in its recreation in every Presidential Library from FDR's onward, decorated to look as it did during that President's tenure. 

December 29, 1964: "The T.A.M.I. Show"

December 29, 1964, 60 years ago: The T.A.M.I. Show is released in movie theaters. It was filmed at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium on October 28 and 29, 1964.

The Auditorium opened in 1958, and from 1961 to 1967 hosted the Academy Awards -- the Oscars. On May 27, 1972, George Carlin recorded his album Class Clown there, including his bit "Seven Words You Can Never Use On Television." It still stands.

"T.A.M.I." stood for "Teen Age Music International." The show was directed by Steve Binder, who later went on to direct Elvis Presley's 1968 "Comeback Special." It was hosted by Jan Berry and Dean Torrence. Jan & Dean had already had a few hits together.

The various acts were backed up by go-go dancers, including Teri Garr, who became a major actress; and Toni Basil, who become one of America's top choreographers, and had a Number 1 hit in 1982 with "Mickey." Film director John Landis claimed he attended the show with his classmate, future Partridge Family star David Cassidy.

Here's the set list, and the songs they sang at the show. It's one hell of a list, even if you only count what these performers had already done, not what they would later do. An asterisk (*) indicates the performer has been elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame:

1. Jan and Dean, singing "(Here They Come From) All Over the World." The song incorrectly places The Rolling Stones in Liverpool, when they were from London and environs.

2. * Chuck Berry: "Johnny B. Goode," "Maybellene," "Sweet Little Sixteen" and "Nadine."

3. Gerry and the Pacemakers, who actually were from Liverpool: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying," "It's Gonna Be Alright" and "I Like It."

4. * The Miracles, from Motown Records, led by Smokey Robinson: "That's What Love Is Made Of," "You've Really Got a Hold On Me" and "Mickey's Monkey."

5. * Marvin Gaye, from Motown Records: "Stubborn Kind of Fellow," "Pride and Joy," "Can I Get a Witness" and "Hitch Hike."

6. Lesley Gore: "Maybe I Know," "You Don't Own Me," "You Didn't Look Around," "Hey Now," "It's My Party" and its sequel "Judy's Turn to Cry."

A reprise of Jan and Dean: "The Little Old Lady from Pasadena" and "Sidewalk Surfin'" (the 1st hit song about skateboarding).

7. * The Beach Boys: "Surfin' U.S.A.," "I Get Around," "Surfer Girl" and "Dance, Dance, Dance."

8. Billy J. Kramer and The Dakotas: "Little Children," "Bad to Me," "I'll Keep You Satisfied" and "From a Window."

9. * The Supremes, from Motown Records, with Diana Ross singing lead: "When the Lovelight Starts Shining Through His Eyes," "Run, Run, Run," "Baby Love" and "Where Did Our Love Go."

10. The Barbarians, probably the only band ever to come out of Cape Cod. They never had a Top 40 single, not even the song they performed here, "Hey Little Bird."

11. * James Brown and The Famous Flames: "Out of Sight," "Prisoner of Love," "Please, Please, Please" and "Night Train." This performance is often credited with introducing The Godfather of Soul to white audiences. Within a year, his new audience had given him his 2 biggest hits: "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" and "I Got You (I Feel Good)."

12. * The Rolling Stones: "Around and Around," "Off the Hook," "Time Is On My Side," "It's All Over Now," "I'm Alright" and "Let's Get Together." They were still a few months away from releasing "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction."

December 29, 1934: The 1st Madison Square Garden Doubleheader

December 29, 1934, 90 years ago: Madison Square Garden in Midtown Manhattan hosts its 1st college basketball doubleheader. It was set up by Edward S. "Ned" Irish, then head of promotions for The Garden.

Irish, then 29 years old and a native of Brooklyn, had covered Manhattan College basketball games for the New York World-Telegram, and saw that their games, especially against other teams in New York City, had more demand than the seats had supply. So he quit his job to become promotions director for The Garden, whose current version, built in 1925, was between 49th and 50th Streets, and 8th and 9th Avenues.

Ned Irish

For the 1st doubleheader, each game featured a New York City-based team vs. one from outside the city. In the 1st game, New York University, of Manhattan, beat the University of Notre Dame, of South Bend, Indiana, 25-18. NYU would finish the 1934-35 season 19-1, and were recognized as National Champions. In the 2nd game, St. John's University, of Queens, lost to Westminster College, of New Wilmington, Pennsylvania, 37-33.

If those scores seem low to you, consider the state of the sport at the time: It was almost all slow, skinny white guys; there was no shot clock; and, until 1938, there was a center jump after every basket. In other words, what would become known as the fast break was not only difficult, it was completely impractical.

A crowd of 16,138 attended, then the largest crowd ever to pay to see a basketball game, at any level, marking the experiment as a success. Another doubleheader was set up for a week later, on January 5, 1935. NYU beat Kentucky, 23-22, before a new record high, 16,539.

Though defeated, Kentucky coach Adolph Rupp liked the idea so much that he suggested that there should be a national college basketball tournament. That was such a good idea that, by the end of the decade, there were 2: The National Invitation Tournament (NIT) started in 1938, the 1st one won by Temple University of Philadelphia; and the NCAA Tournament started in 1939, the 1st one won by the University of Oregon.

After the 1934-35 season, being invited to play in a "Garden doubleheader" was a sign that a school had made the big time. Already known as "The Mecca of Boxing," The Garden became known as "The Mecca of Basketball."

But the point-shaving scandal of 1951 crippled New York City basketball, with only St. John's among the City's schools emerging unscathed. After that, the pro game became more popular, with Ned Irish becoming the founding owner of the New York Knicks.

In 1959, Irish sold the Knicks to Irving Felt, but remained team president. He was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1964. In 1968, he and Felt moved the Knicks into the current Madison Square Garden, between 31st and 33rd Streets, and 7th and 8th Avenues. He retired as team president in 1974, and died in 1982.

The event that opened the new Garden in 1968 was a doubleheader. Dave DeBusschere scored the new Garden's 1st basket -- not for the Knicks, but for the Detroit Pistons, in the 1st game of the doubleheader.

December 27, 1964: The Cleveland Browns' Last Title -- So Far

Jim Brown (32) takes a handoff from Frank Ryan (13)

December 27, 1964, 60 years ago: The NFL Championship Game is played, at Cleveland Municipal Stadium. The host Cleveland Browns had been a dominant team from their 1946 inception until 1957, and were back after a rebuild.

Controversially, that rebuild involved Art Modell buying the team, and firing the founding head coach and general manager, Paul Brown. Blanton Collier was put in charge, and he revamped the team, including installing Frank Ryan at quarterback. Ryan was working on a doctorate in mathematics, and would later teach at the university level.

Collier also gave Jim Brown a bit more leeway. In 1963, Collier's 1st season, Brown rushed for 1,863 yards, an NFL record that stood for another 10 years. In 1964, he ran for 1,446. The Browns had another Hall-of-Fame running back in Leroy Kelly. Paul Warfield, a rookie receiver, would also go to Canton. So would guard Gene Hickerson. And so would their one holdover from their 1950s titlists, placekicker Lou Groza.

The Browns went 10-3-1. The St. Louis Cardinals tied them 33-33 at Cleveland Municipal Stadium, and beat them 28-19 in St. Louis. The Browns also lost 23-7 at home to the Pittsburgh Steelers, and 28-21 to the Green Bay Packers in Milwaukee. The losses in Milwaukee and St. Louis were both late in the season. But a 52-20 demolition of the Giants at Yankee Stadium in the final regular-season game gave them the Eastern Division title by half a game over the Cardinals, who went 9-3-2.

They would host the NFL Championship Game against the Baltimore Colts, who were favored, having gone 12-2. With Johnny Unitas quarterbacking several holdovers from their 1958 and '59 NFL Champions, they lost their opener away tot he Minnesota Vikings, and their next-to-last game at home to the Detroit Lions. But they won the rest of their games. They did not play the Browns in the regular season. Despite the Browns having the home field, the Colts were favored by 7 points.

There was no scoring in the 1st half. The Browns began the 3rd quarter with the wind at their backs, and Groza's kickoff went beyond the end zone. The Browns' defense held the Colts, and Tom Gilburg had to punt into the wind. The Browns took over in Colt territory, but could only get a 43-yard field goal from Groza.

That seemed to break the ice, though: The Colts could do nothing on their ensuing drive, and an 18-yard run by Brown was followed by an 18-yard touchdown pass from Ryan to Gary Collins, and the Browns were up, 10-0.

The Colts could not recover. Tony Lorick ran Groza's kickoff out of the end zone, and was tackled at his own 11. A clipping penalty forced another punt into the wind, and the Browns got the ball back at the Colt 39. Another pass from Ryan to Collins made it 17-0. Unitas got the Colts into Browns territory on the next drive, but the usually reliable Lenny Moore fumbled a handoff, and the Browns recovered. The 3rd quarter closed with a 23-yard run by Jim Brown.

Never before had a single quarter so turned around an NFL championship game, and none would again for 23 years, until the 2nd quarter of Super Bowl XXII, when Denver led 10-0 at the start, and Washington led 35-10 at the end.

The Colts held the Browns to another Groza field goal, and it was 20-0. Unitas looked to have gotten the Colts to the Brown 15, by a wide-open Jimmy Orr dropped the pass, and the Colts had to punt. This time, they had the wind, but it made no difference, and a 3rd Ryan-to-Collins touchdown made the final score 27-0. Collins -- no relation to the actor and game-show host of the same name -- thus became the 1st player ever to catch 3 touchdown passes in an NFL title game.

In spite of the performances of Ryan, Brown and Collins, the Browns' defense was as much of a story. They held Unitas to 95 passing yards, and the team as a whole to 92 rushing yards.

This game had 5 officials: A referee, an umpire, a head linesman, a back judge and a field judge. And their penalty flags were white. The next season, a line judge was added, and penalty flags were changed to yellow, to show up better on color television. In 1978, the side judge brought the on-field officials' complement to their current 7.

This would prove to be Jim Brown's only title. The next season, the Browns got back into the NFL Championship Game, but lost to the Green Bay Packers. Jim then retired to focus on acting and civil rights activism. The Browns would reach the NFL Championship Game again in 1968, but lost to the Colts; and again in 1969, but lost to the Vikings. They reached the AFC Championship Game in the seasons of 1986, 1987 and 1989, but lost all 3. They have never won another NFL title, not since this game, which could be retroactively labeled "Super Bowl -II."

The Colts lost Super Bowl III to close the 1968-69 season, but won Super Bowl V. In 1984, they moved to Indianapolis. In 1995, angry that he couldn't get a new stadium, or at least a better lease at Municipal Stadium, Art Modell moved the Browns -- to Baltimore, where they became the Ravens. You would think that, having had their hearts broken 11 years earlier, Baltimore would have known better. They won Super Bowls XXXV and XLVII.

A new Browns franchise was established for 1999, but they have largely struggled: In their 1st 26 seasons, they've only made the Playoffs 3 times, winning just 1 game, although it was against their arch-rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, in 2020.

Along with the Detroit Lions, the Browns are 1 of 2 teams to have won an NFL Championship, but, through the 2023 season, never reached the Super Bowl. The Browns, the Lions, and the team now known as the Arizona Cardinals are the only 3 teams to have won an NFL Championship, but not won a Super Bowl. (The Cardinals have reached one, but lost it. I should say 4 teams, as the Minnesota Viking won the 1969 NFL Championship, but lost Super Bowl IV.)

The fact that the Browns' titles came before the advent of the Super Bowl means that they get discounted: Even before the distance of time became what it is now, NFL fans had come to regard any title won before the Super Bowl, NFL or AFL, as not a "real" championship.

What's more, the 1964 Browns are often considered, along with the 1963 Chicago Bears, to be an NFL Champion that would have lost to that season's AFL Champions. The day before this game, the AFL Championship Game was played at War Memorial Stadium in Buffalo, New York. The Buffalo Bills beat the San Diego Chargers, 20-7.

The Browns' 1964 NFL Championship would be the last title won by any Northern Ohio team for a long time, and many gut-wrenching close calls would come in the interim. The Browns would have "The Drive" in the 1986 AFC Championship Game, and "The Fumble" in the 1987 edition, before "The Move" and "The Return."

The Cleveland Indians, now known as the Cleveland Guardians, wouldn't even get close to the Playoffs until winning the American League Pennant in 1995, lost that year's World Series, and then lost the 1997 World Series despite leading in the bottom of the 9th inning of Game 7. And they blew a 3-games-to-1 lead in the 2007 AL Championship Series. The Cleveland Cavaliers were a hard-luck team, losing a 1989 NBA Playoff series to the Chicago Bulls on the last play, when Michael Jordan made "The Shot."

Finally, in 2016, the Cavaliers won the NBA Championship, ending Cleveland's overall title drought after 51 1/2 years. LeBron James and Jim Brown posed together with the NBA trophy.

December 26, 1964: The Buffalo Bills Triumphant

December 26, 1964, 60 years ago: The American Football League Championship Game is played for the 1964 season.

The season before, the San Diego Chargers, coached by Sid Gillman, had won the title, showing football fans that the AFL wasn't just a pass-happy "basketball league": It could feature good defense, too. The Buffalo Bills, coached by Lou Saban, followed the same path, with a defense led by end Ron McDole, tackle Tom Sestak, and linebacker Mike Stratton.

The Chargers would regret letting quarterback Jack Kemp go, as the Bills had acquired him to run their offense. Protected by a future Hall-of-Famer, guard Billy Shaw, he could hand off to running back Carlton Chester "Cookie" Gilchrist, or pass to receiver Elbert Dubenion.

There was once a common trivia question: Name the men wearing Number 32 who won the Most Valuable Player awards in the American League, the National League, the NFL and the AFL in 1963. But the question was no good: Elston Howard, Sandy Koufax, Jim Brown and Gilchrist won their respective awards, but, while the other 3 players wore 32, Gilchrist wore 34.

The Bills went 12-2 in 1964. They dropped 48 points on the Houston Oilers, and scored at least 30 points in 6 other games. Their only losses were on November 15, 36-28 at home to the Boston Patriots; and on December 6, 16-13 away to the Oakland Raiders.

As it was an even-numbered year, it was the Eastern Division winners' turn to host the AFL Championship Game, and the Bills welcomed the defending Champion Chargers into War Memorial Stadium. Built in 1938, it was already dilapidated, known as "The Old Rockpile." Buffalo native Brock Yates, a screenwriter who created the race upon which the Cannonball Run movies were based, said that it "looks as if whatever war it was a memorial to had been fought within its confines." And it was small: At 40,242 seats, its capacity would prove too small when the AFL and the NFL merged in 1970, so the Bills had to build a larger stadium.

In the 1st quarter, Tobin Rote threw a 26-yard touchdown pass to Dave Kocourek, to put the Chargers up, 7-0. But they never scored again. The Bills' defense was symbolized by Stratton hitting Keith Lincoln midway through the 1st quarter, breaking a rib and knocking him out of the game. It was the most famous defensive play in AFL history.

Pete Gogolak and his brother Charley, natives of Hungary, became pro football's 1st "soccer-style kickers," approaching the placement from the side and hitting the ball with the instep of the foot, rather than the traditional straight-on, hit-with-the-toes style. Pete kicked a field goal late in the 1st quarter, and another in the 2nd. In between, Kemp guided the Bills down to where Wray Carlton could score on a 4-yard run. In the 4th quarter, Kemp scored on a quarterback sneak. The Bills won, 20-7.

The Bills won the AFL Championship again in 1965, again beating the Chargers; then lost the 1966 AFL Championship Game to the Kansas City Chiefs. Saban would leave, then return as head coach, and lead the Bills to the AFC Wild Card Playoff berth in 1974.

Like basketball coach Larry Brown, Saban was known, somewhat unfairly, for never staying in the same place for very long, also serving as head coach for the Boston Patriots, the Denver Broncos, and several college teams. He died in 2009. His son, Nick Saban, in junior high school at the time of the Bills' AFL titles, would win 7 National Championships in the college ranks. Unlike many father & son coaching pairs, they never coached together. Indeed, while Lou was head coach at Army in 1979, Nick was an assistant coach at Navy in 1982.

The Bills had won the last 2 AFL Championships before the AFL Champion was allowed to play the NFL Champion for a World Championship, and had lost the game that would have put them in Super Bowl I. It would take until the 1990 season before they finally got into a Super Bowl. And they got into 4 in a row, something no other franchise has done. And yet, they lost all 4, and only the 1st one was all that close (although they were leading the 4th at the half).

The Bills have become to the NFL what the Chicago Cubs once were to baseball, the sport's "lovable losers" with a history of close calls breaking the hearts of some of the most passionate fans in the sport. From 1964 onward, they have been 1 of the last 2 teams standing 6 times, something only 7 other teams have done.

But the fact that the Bills' titles came before the advent of the Super Bowl means that they get discounted: Even before the distance of time became what it is now, NFL fans had come to regard any title won before the Super Bowl, NFL or AFL, as not a "real" championship.

As it stands, through Christmas 2024, no team based in, or near, Buffalo has ever won a major league sports championship. The NHL's Sabres are 0-for-2 in Stanley Cup Finals, and the NBA's Braves, like the Sabres a 1970 expansion team, moved in 1978. Due to Canadian COVID restrictions, the Toronto Blue Jays had to play some "home games" at Buffalo's Sahlen Field in 2020 and '21. Before that, there hadn't been a Major League Baseball team in Buffalo since the 1914-15 Blues of the Federal League; before that, the Bisons of the National League, who folded after the 1885 season. And none of those teams won a Pennant.

Unless you count soccer as a major league sport in North America, with the 1971 Rochester Lancers and the 2016 Western New York Flash, then the last World Championship won by a team that can be considered "Western New York" remains the 1955 NBA Champion Syracuse Nationals. If you don't count Syracuse as "Western," then it's the 1951 NBA Champion Rochester Royals.

Maybe this is the year the Bills finally pull it off. Then again, the Detroit Lions -- the team in which Ralph Wilson had a minority interest before becoming the founding owner of the Bills -- are also closer than they've ever been since their last title, in 1957. If Super Bowl LIX is Bills vs. Lions, one fanbase will be happier than ever, and the other will face the greatest letdown yet.

December 25, 1984: Bernard King Decks the Halls

December 25, 1984, 40 years ago: For about a year now, the best basketball player in the world has not been Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, or Magic Johnson, or Larry Bird, or Julius Erving, and certainly not newly-minted NBA rookie Michael Jordan. It's been Bernard King.

The Brooklyn native, who had starred at the University of Tennessee with later Knick teammate Ernie Grunfeld -- they called it "The Bernie and Ernie Show" -- had just turned 28, and was dropping stunning performances, game after game. On January 31 and February 1, 1984, he became the 1st NBA (or ABA) player in 17 years to score at least 50 points in back-to-back games.

On this Christmas Day, he came down the chimney at Madison Square Garden and scored 60 points, a record for the "new" Garden that opened in 1968. He scored 21 points in the 1st quarter, 19 in the 2nd, 11 in the 3rd, and 9 in the 4th.

In spite of this performance for the New York Knicks, the cross-river New Jersey Nets beat them, 120-114. Micheal Ray Richardson scored 36 for New Jersey. (Yes, he spells his name "Micheal," not "Michael.")

King was only the 10th player in NBA history to score at least 60 in a game. Joe Fulks was the 1st to do it, with 63 in a 1949 game for the Philadelphia Warriors. George Mikan scored 61 in a 1952 game for the Minneapolis Lakers. Fulks and Mikan were the only players to do it before the 1954 institution of the 24-second shot clock.

Wilt Chamberlain had done it 32 times, topping out at 100. At the time, the record for anyone other than Chamberlain was 73, by David Thompson, on the last day of the 1977-78 season. On the exact same day, George Gervin scored 63, and won the scoring title for the season.

Elgin Baylor had scored 60 or more 4 times, including a Playoff record 61 in 1962. On November 15, 1960, Baylor topped out at 71, against the Knicks at "the old Garden," and that remains a record for any building named Madison Square Garden, college or pro.

The other players to score 60 in an NBA game before King were Jerry West with 63 in 1962, Rick Barry with 63 in 1974, and Pete Maravich with 68 in 1977.

Sadly, 'Nard saw his reign come to an end on March 23, 1985, with a terrible knee injury in Kansas City. He had been averaging 32.9 points per game up until then, and that would lead the league. That game ended up being the 1st of 12 straight games the Knicks, already plagued with injuries, lost to end the season. Then they got the 1st pick in the 1985 NBA Draft, and selected Patrick Ewing.

King came back for 6 games at the end of the 1986-87 season. The Knicks thought that was all they could get out of him, so they traded him to the Washington Bullets. Incredibly, he played 4 seasons for them, including 1988-89, when he played in 81 out of 82 games; and 1989-90, when he played in all 82. He missed 1991-92 in its entirety, again due to the knee, and closed his career with the team with whom he started -- the Nets, playing 32 games in 1992-93.

He was 37 years old. Knick fans can only wonder what they could have done from the Autumn of 1985 to the Spring of 1993 with a healthy Bernard King added to Patrick Ewing, Mark Jackson and Charles Oakley.

His injuries kept his career numbers down. He was belatedly elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. He was not named to the NBA's 50th Anniversary 50 Greatest Players in 1996, but was named to their 75th Anniversary 75 Greatest Players in 2021.

King's 60 remained a record for the new Garden until January 24, 2014, when Carmelo Anthony set a building record, and a Knick franchise record, with 62 points in a 125-96 win over the team then known as the Charlotte Bobcats. Baylor's 71 remains a record for any Garden. The college record was set by Oscar Robertson of the University of Cincinnati, scoring 56 points to outscore Seton Hall all by himself on January 9, 1958.

Scoring 60 points in an NBA game has now been done 90 times, most recently by De'Aaron Fox of the Sacramento Kings on November 15, 2024.

A Rock and Roll Christmas

I wrote this in 2018, and forgot about it, until it showed up on my "Facebook Memories" this morning:

A Rock and Roll Christmas:

12 drummers drumming: Keith Moon of The Who.

11 pipers piping: Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull, who plays the flute.

10 lords a-leaping: Iggy Pop, master of the stage dive.

9 ladies dancing: Tina Turner.

8 maids a-milking: Mariah Carey, who milks the holiday with her song every year.

7 swans a-swimming: Buddy Holly, rock's "ugly duckling."

6 geese a-laying: Elvis Presley, rock's "golden goose," who, as he sang himself in "King Creole," would lay down a beat like a ton of coal.

5 golden rings: Elton John.

4 calling birds: Roger McGuinn of The Byrds.

3 French hens: Eric Clapton, take a guess as to why.

2 turtle doves: John Lennon of The Beatles, as doves are a symbol of peace.

and a partridge in a pair tree: David Cassidy, a.k.a. Keith Partridge.

I originally had Madonna for "8 maids a-milking," because she was still milking it, but, I figured, what the heck: Mariah is better on every level.

Problematic Christmas Songs -- 2024 Edition

'Twas the night before Christmas

and through the Tri-State Area

it's our duty to each other

to care and to take care o' ya.

In the cabinet are bagels.

In the fridge is the jam

and also the pork roll.

It's not "Taylor ham."

The children are nestled

in their beds made of wood

hoping that St. Nicholas

will buy that they were good.

And with the stereo playing

and the tube showing "Yule Log"

I return to this annual

feature of my blog:

Problematic Christmas Songs.

Let's start with the biggest Christmas song of all: "Jingle Bells."  It was written in 1850 by James Lord Pierpont at Simpson Tavern in Medford, Massachusetts, outside Boston. It was published under the title "The One Horse Open Sleigh" in September 1857. 

Guess what: This song has nothing to do with Christmas! The lyrics make no mention of Christmas. Or Jesus, by any name: Christ, Lord, King, King of Kings, King of Israel, King of the Jews, King of the World, King of Heaven, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, Holy Child, Teacher, Rabbi, Wonderful Counselor... none of them.

Nor do the lyrics make any mention of presents, or a gathering family, or even Santa Claus and his entourage (Mrs. Claus, reindeer, elves, whoever else he's got up at the North Pole). "Jingle Bells" is about Winter. It has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. It could be sung at any time from December 1 through March 31 -- or, if you prefer, from Thanksgiving through Easter. (Or, in Minnesota, even longer than that.)

The title was adapted for the 1st rock and roll song to be about Christmas, "Jingle Bell Rock," written in 1957 by 

Joe Beal and 

Jim Boothe, and a hit for Bobby Helms. The B-side of the record was 

• "Captain Santa Claus (and His Reindeer Space Patrol)"

Apparently, the Batman variation goes back at least as far as the 1966 TV series, and has been cited in later Batman media: "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile just lost its wheel, and the Commissioner broke his leg!" (Alternatively, "and the Joker got away!" even though, unlike "the Commissioner broke his leg," it doesn't rhyme.)

Then there are the songs that someone (I forget who) once described as "songs Dean Martin liked to sing to get a woman to snuggle up with him by the fireplace." "Winter Wonderland," by Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith, 1934; "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" by Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne, 1945; "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm," by Irving Berlin, 1937; and "A Marshmallow World" by Carl Sigman and Peter DeRose, 1949.

Now, I'm not gonna rip Dino, or say that these aren't nice songs. But they don't have anything to do with Christmas, either. They're about Winter, not about Christmas. And since we associate Christmas with Winter, regardless of Scripture suggesting that it didn't happen during Winter (not to mention that there's no snow mentioned in any of the Gospels), we associate these songs with Christmas, however erroneously.

One of the Dean Martin fireplace songs (which also doesn't have anything to do with Christmas) that most certainly is not nice, and goes far beyond even naughty, is "Baby, It's Cold Outside," written in 1944 by Frank Loesser. In recent years, due to the #MeToo movement, this one has come under intense scrutiny.

The woman in the song says she has to go, that her mother will worry, that she's got a reputation to protect. And the man she's with keeps telling her that it's cold outside, that there's no cabs to be had, that she should stay. "Well, maybe just half a drink more," she finally relents. (Dean Martin with booze on hand? How out of character... ) And then, just 2 lines later, she asks, "Say, what's in this drink?"

So on the 12th day of Christmas, your true love gave to you... 12 roofies roofing? That's why this is known as "The Date Rape Christmas Song," and it is inappropriate on so many levels. At the very least, it's about a guy working way too hard to seduce a girl, and using Old Man Winter (if not the Christmas season itself) as an excuse.

"Sleigh Ride," written in 1948 by Leroy Anderson, is another song like that, although considerably more innocent. The most familiar version is by Johnny Mathis. Johnny is openly gay, and this had been rumored for some time before he came out, but I never believed it until a few too many listens to him sing, "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too... "

Come to think of it, the song also mentions "a Winter fairyland." Johnny's a great singer, even at age 89, making him perhaps the last survivor of the canon of "Classic Christmas Songs." But this song does him no favors.

"Frosty the Snowman" also has nothing to do with Christmas. It was written in 1950 by Jack Rollins and Steve Nelson, and the lyrics make no mention of the holiday. It wasn't until the 1969 CBS TV special, narrated by an animated Jimmy Durante (as if the great comedian wasn't already quite animated, ah-cha-cha-cha!), that Frosty (voiced by another great comedian, Jackie Vernon) got an official link with Christmas.

And, as a fellow Yankee-themed blogger pointed out, the song begins, "Frosty the Snowman was a happy jolly soul." "Was"? Not "is"? What happened? Is he dead now? As in melted? Or is he just unhappy? Maybe he's only mad that he didn't get any royalties from the song.

Also weird about Frosty: If he's so afraid of heat, why does he have a pipe? And "two eyes made out of coal"? And, as was once pointed out to me, no matter how fat a snowman (and he did kind of resemble the portly Vernon), his walking wouldn't sound like "Thump-ety-thump-thump." He's made of snow, walking on snow. It would sound more like "Swish, swish, swish."

"Winter Wonderland," "Marshmallow World," "Sleigh Ride" and "Frosty the Snowman" appear on the 1963 classic A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records – better known as The Phil Spector Christmas Album. Talk about problematic: Like many people who achieved greatly, Spector also did some awful things -- in his case, horrific things, and his great art (he called it "The Wall of Sound") cannot overcome that.

Another song on that album is "The Bells of St. Mary's," written in 1917 by A. Emmett Adams and Douglas Furber, following Furber's visit to St. Mary's Church in Southampton, England. This song is also not about Christmas: The lyrics mention "red leaves," suggesting that it takes place in Autumn).

The song says the bells, "they are calling the young loves, the true loves who come from the sea." This makes no sense if you only know the song from the Spector album. But knowing it was written in Southampton, Britain's biggest seaport, during World War I, provides the explanation: The bells are welcoming sailors coming home.

It was linked to Christmas by being selected as the title song from a 1945 Christmas-themed movie starring Bing Crosby as Father Chuck O’Malley (he'd won an Oscar in the role in the previous year's Going My Way), and Ingrid Bergman as Sister Mary Benedict, the most beautiful nun you'll ever see. (Eat your heart out, Julie Andrews. And the real Maria von Trapp was no looker.)

The album had 13 songs, 5 of which are not Christmas-related. The highlights, in my opinion, are Veronica Bennett -- Phil's girlfriend and eventual ex-wife, who became known as Ronnie Spector --  singing "Frawsty the Snowman" in her N'Yawk accent; and Darlene Love belting out the album's one original song, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."

Phil demanded an original song for the album, and Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich wrote it, as they wrote (and would continue to write) so many songs he produced. Sonny Bono played percussion on the album, and if you listen closely, you can hear his eventual wife (and eventual ex-wife), Cher, singing backup on "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."

The rest of these, I’ll do in alphabetical order:

All I Want for Christmas Is You. The newest Christmas classic -- and even this one is now 30 years old (1994) -- it seems harmless enough, even though those who hate it do so as intensely as those who love it. Indeed, it even seems to have the girl telling her guy to fight the commercialism of Christmas, that she doesn't need the kind of things that Eartha Kitt (and later Madonna) demanded in "Santa Baby."

But it also suggests that what she really needs is a man. So feminists tend to not like this one. To be fair, though, she doesn't say she needs him, only that she wants him -- which opens an entirely different can of worms. The song is rarely sung by a man to a woman, but when it is, it sounds a little stalkerish.

Mariah has had more Number 1 singles on Billboard magazine's Hot 100 chart than any solo performer, 19. (That's 1 more than Elvis Presley. Only The Beatles, with 21, have had more.) "All I Want for Christmas Is You" was not one of them on its original release. It was ineligible for inclusion, because it was not released commercially as a single in any physical format.

A new joke surrounding the song is that one sign of the Christmas season coming earlier and earlier every year is that "Every year, Mariah Carey gets thawed out sooner." The idea being that, now past her hitmaking days, she only appears at Christmas to sing this song. Some people who hate it engage in "Mariahgeddon" contests, to see who can go the longest without hearing it.

Streaming services have led to the song being "bought" more as Christmas approaches. In its December 21, 2019 issue, Billboard listed "All I Want for Christmas Is You" as Number 1 on its Hot 100, setting a new record for longest time from original release to chart-top: 25 years. It's gotten there again every year since.

But because of the streaming issue, Billboard's Hot 100 for its December 21, 2024 issue also has Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" at Number 2, Bobby Helms' "Jingle Bell Rock" at Number 3, Wham!'s "Last Christmas" at Number 4, and Burl Ives' "A Holly Jolly Christmas" at Number 5. The highest-ranking non-Christmas song is at Number 6: "Die With a Smile," a duet by Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars.

In addition to the streaming services, I blame the return of "All I Want for Christmas Is You" on Love Actually, the 2003 British "cast of thousands" film, which people tend to either adore or despise. (I've watched it once, and once is enough.) It had the song sung by Olivia Olson, then 11 years old, in a school Christmas pageant.

Another Rock and Roll Christmas. This one came out in 1984, and it sounds pretty good. But it's by Gary Glitter, who became famous in 1972 with "Rock and Roll Part II," a.k.a. "The Hey Song," and became infamous in 1997 for his arrest on what would once have been called "morals charges."

Auld Lang Syne. Robert Burns, Scotland's unofficial poet laureate, wrote this song in Scots Gaelic in 1788. Somehow, it got associated with Hogmanay, the Scottish version of New Year's Eve celebrations.

Starting in 1929, Guy Lombardo and his big band, the Royal Canadians, played it just after midnight, first over radio and then on television, on CBS from a major hotel in Midtown Manhattan: The Roosevelt Hotel until 1958, and then from 1959 until 1976 at the Waldorf Astoria. Lombardo died in 1977, but network broadcasts kept doing it, including The Tonight Show on NBC and Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve on ABC (even now, after Clark's own death).

But the song has nothing to do with Christmas. So why do we associate it with December 25 along with December 31/January 1? My guess is because it was used at the end of the 1946 film It's a Wonderful Life. So, blame Frank Capra.

The Christmas Shoes. The idea of this comparatively recent song, recorded in 2000 by Christian group NewSong, is, on the surface, heartwarming: One of those, "And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown" moments:

A guy on line at the cash register, having driven himself nuts shopping for Christmas presents, hears a kid tell the cashier he has to get these shoes for his dying mother, so that she can be presentable when she appears before Jesus, and he doesn't have the money for them, so the guy pays for the shoes for the kid. Certainly, a beautiful gesture.

On the other hand, it might be the biggest downer in the history of Christmas songs. This song isn't about life, it's about death. If it was "a real Christmas song," the mom should be so thrilled by such a beautiful gesture, from both son and stranger, that she gets better, and enjoys many more Christmases to come.

And, if it was a Hallmark Christmas movie, the guy wouldn't have shaved for four days, and he'd meet the mom, whose husband, the kid's father, ran off long ago; and, once the mom recovered, they'd get married.

Real life tends to not work that way, but "Christmas miracles" do. Why not sing about that? After all, NewSong, are you Christian in just name, or also in deed?

The Christmas Song – better known by its opening line: "Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire." Mel Tormé wrote it, and Nat King Cole is its best-known performer, with his 1946 recording. "And so, I'm offering this simple phrase, to kids from 1 to 92... " So, for everyone age 93 and up, you're out of luck? Sorry, Dick Van Dyke. Tough cookies, Old Man Periwinkle.

Deck the Halls. The melody is Welsh, dating back to the 16th Century, while the English lyrics, written by the Scottish musician Thomas Oliphant, date to 1862. A safe one, already in the public domain, with no mention of religion, good to open Christmas movies from A Christmas Story to the Hallmark cliché-fests.

But there's the line, "Don we now our gay apparel." Once, this meant, "Let's all put on some bright clothing to commemorate this festive season." Now, it means, "Sweetheart, even Nicki Minaj wouldn't be caught dead wearing that!"

I've gone on social media and asked a few people with rainbow flag icons in their bio if it's okay to still use the line. So far, all have said it is.

And I'm guessing "Troll the ancient Yuletide carol" means "Please sing an old Christmas song." It could be worse, I suppose: You could be calling a woman "Carol the ancient Yuletide troll!"

Fairytale of New York. Shane MacGowan of The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl sang this duet in 1987, and it is not a song whose lyrics are fit for this post. The short, clean version is that, for the couple in the song, the fairy tale did not come true.

Kirsty was killed in a maritime accident in 2000; while Shane, born on Christmas Day 1957, finally had his excesses catch up with him in 2023.

Feliz Navidad. The only problem I have with this one is that it's incredibly repetitive. It was good of José Feliciano to write a Christmas song that kids whose first language was Spanish can sing, but couldn't he have written a second verse?

He could have made it "Joyeux Noël," for French-speakers, including people in Quebec. He could have dovetailed the Spanish "Prospero año y felicidad" (A prosperous year and felicity/happiness) with the French, "Prosperité en l'an nouvelle" (Prosperity in the new year), which would have rhymed with "Joyeux Noël."

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. What a terrible thing to have to think about at Christmastime! As B.J. Hunnicutt taught us on M*A*S*H, "A family's Christmas wreaths ought to be green, not black." On top of that, lemme tell ya somethin': If any reindeer had ever tried to run over my Grandma, she'd have popped him one, and then you'd know how he got the red nose!

The original performers from 1979, Elmo and Patsy Shropshire (then married to each other) dropped a seemingly innocent couplet: "We're so very proud of Grandpa. He's been taking it so well. See him in there, watching football, drinking beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel." Then, in 1985, came the video, and "Cousin Mel" is revealed to be a considerably younger woman, probably named Melissa, Melanie, or Melody. And she might not be a real cousin. Could they have conspired to bump Grandma off for the chance to be together -- and for the insurance money?

Then, in 2000, came an animated TV special based on the song. As it turned out, while the evidence available to the other characters suggested that something awful happened to Grandma, she recovered from her incident, but with amnesia, and wandered off. To his credit, Santa finds her, takes her to the North Pole, and takes care of her until her memory comes back. And, yes, Cousin Mel is the villain of this version of the story.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane wrote this for the 1944 film Meet Me In St. Louis. "Make the Yuletide gay." Yeah, another one of those. Made even more problematic by the fact that the song was introduced by Judy Garland. 

Holly Jolly Christmas. The song was written by Johnny Marks, and introduced by Burl Ives in the 1964 TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (which was based on another song that Marks wrote). It certainly seems jolly and innocuous enough -- until you get to the line, "Somebody waits for you. Kiss her once for me."

Bump that! If she's waiting for me, I'm kissing her for nobody but myself! It reminds me of George Carlin's rant about the line, "Give her my best." (Said rant is too risqué to discuss in a Christmas-themed post.)

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. British songwriter Tommie Connor wrote it in 1952, and it was sung by Jimmy Boyd, then 13 years old, and later to marry Batgirl actress Yvonne Craig. He should not be confused with the Jim Boyd who played J. Arthur Crank, Paul the Gorilla, and other characters on the 1971-77 PBS kids show The Electric Company.

Dumb Donald is so dumb! (How dumb is he?) He's so dumb, he appears to be unaware that the guy he sees in the Santa suit is actually his father! Or, worse, he appears to be not particularly troubled by the fact that his mother is kissing a man who (he thinks) is not her father. Either way, this is not a very bright kid.

Please, save the "Santa only comes once a year" joke. That, too, is too risqué.

To make matters worse, there's a version of this song sung by... the Jackson 5, back when they were first big. So, that explains Michael Jackson... I wonder if he ever asked a child to sit on his lap.

I'll Be Home For Christmas. Another one from Der Bingle, written in 1943 by Kim Gannon and Walter Kent, and it sounds like a soldier in World War II singing to his girl "on the home front."

"You can count on me," the singer says. But he closes by saying, "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams." So, can she count on you, or not?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas. Written in 1951 by Meredith Willson, who went on to write the musical The Music Man.

"Take a look in the five-and-ten." Sadly, there are now very few five-and-ten-cent (or "five-and-dime") stores -- many of which were in chains. Woolworth's, J.J. Newberry's and McCrory's all closed in 2001. Now we have "dollar stores" -- or, as they're known in Britain, "poundshops."

Another line: "There's a tree in the grand hotel, one in the park as well." Well, I should hope there's a lot more than one tree in the park! I know, I know, Perry Como meant that one of the trees in the park was a Christmas tree.

It gets worse: "A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben. Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jen." The gender stereotypes are troubling enough. But putting a gun in a kid's hand is completely irresponsible, especially now, with the Newtown Massacre happening so close to Christmas a few years ago.

Before Peter Billingsley starred in the 2022 sequel A Christmas Story Christmas, I wondered if I would one day see a version of A Christmas Carol where the Ghost of Christmas Past is a grown-up Ralphie Parker with an eye patch, saying, "See? I actually did shoot my eye out!" 

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day. Oh, no you don't. Look at all the places that are closed on Christmas. If you need to buy something, you'll have to get it at 7-Eleven or Wawa or someplace like that. And you will have to get things. You think it's easy to shop for everyone you love for one day a year? Multiply that by 365! Song written in 1973 by Roy Wood, formerly of The Move, then with the band Wizzard.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Edward Pola and George Wyle wrote it in 1963, for a Christmas album by Andy Williams. "There'll be scary ghost stories... " Uh, excuse me, gentlemen, but I think you're getting your holidays mixed up!

True, Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol has ghosts in it, but how old were you when you stopped being scared of those ghosts? Even when I saw my 1st version of it -- the 1962 Mr. Magoo version, when I was about 6 or so, in the 1970s -- I wasn't scared of them.

Last Christmas. One of the more recent ones, from 1984. First of all, it's by Wham! Second of all... Do I even need a "second of all"? The lyrics certainly suggest that it's the first gay Christmas song: "A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, a man under cover but you tore me apart."

There are "blue Christmas" songs -- "blue" as in sad, not "blue" as in "blue language" -- but this one, even if the "man under cover" is the narrator, not his target, is lame as heck.  And did I mention it's by Wham?

I'm definitely not the only ones who don't like it: Tomas and Hannah Mazzetti, a couple who, in spite of the surname, live in Sweden, hate the song so much, they're raising money to buy the rights to it, so they can prevent it from being played on the radio. According to George Michael's estate, the price is at least $15 million. Sounds like we're stuck with it.

Little Saint Nick. The Beach Boys' 1963 contribution to Christmas songs is a guilty pleasure of mine: I'm not a "car guy," but I love how they make Santa's sleigh sound like a hot rod. But they have a little problem with counting: "Haulin' through the snow at a frightenin' speed, with a half a dozen deer, with Rudy to lead." Half a dozen is 6. There's supposed to be 8 -- 9, counting Rudolph. In this song, Big Red is 2 reindeer short. Well, there is that hoary old joke about Comet staying home to clean the sink...

My Favorite Things. Written by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II for the 1959 Broadway musical The Sound of Music, this song wouldn't appear to have anything to do with Christmas. But it's been included on Christmas albums since Jack Jones did it in 1964, a year before the film version starring Julie Andrews as Maria von Trapp. Mary Martin was the first to play the role and sing the song onstage.

The lyrics do make mention of "brown paper packages tied up with strings." That suggests presents, but not necessarily Christmas presents. There's mentions of "sleigh bells" and "snowflakes," which suggests Winter, though not necessarily Christmas. And then there's "silver-white Winters that melt into Springs." Again, we're getting away from Christmas, in more ways than one.

Blame Andrews. No, not for the film. In 1961, she sang the song in a Christmas special for The Garry Moore Show on CBS. This was a few months after the avant-garde instrumental version by The John Coltrane Quartet debuted.

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. In 1958, Johnny Marks, author of the original "Rudolph" song, tried his hand at writing Christmas songs for the first generation of rock and roll fans. That year, he wrote this song, which became Brenda Lee's 1st hit, at age 13. She became a bigger star, having 2 Number 1 hits in 1960, leading to this song's re-release, and it hit Number 3.

In 2023, this song was brought back, and Billboard has it listed at Number 1 -- setting new records: 65 years from introduction to chart-top, breaking Mariah's record; 63 years between Number 1s for Lee, breaking Cher's record of 24; and, still alive and performing at age 78, she broke the record for oldest performer with a Number 1 hit, set by Louis Armstrong in 1964, with "Hello, Dolly!" at 62. Musically speaking, this was a Christmas miracle.

But is the song "problematic"? Not really. Marks throws as many seasonal clichés as possible into the lyrics, and includes the first line of "Deck the Halls," which was, of course, already in the public domain in 1958.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Johnny Marks' masterpiece, written in 1949 to connect with a 1939 advertising campaign, and sung by Gene Autry, "The Singing Cowboy." Oy, where to begin with this one?

First, "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names." Reindeer bullies at the North Pole. "Then one foggy Christmas Eve," Rudolph's prominent proboscis saves Christmas. "Then how the reindeer loved him." What a lousy bunch of fur-covered front-runners. I wonder if any of them ever said, "I'm sorry."

Someone who was once a friend and a fellow Yankee-themed blogger (but is no longer either, both by their choice) liked to once point out that, in the 1964 TV special based on the song, the story gets worse before it gets better: Even Santa himself gets on Rudolph's case – and on that of Donner, who in the story is the lead reindeer on the sleigh and Rudolph's father, for essentially passing on a genetic mutation (of which Donner himself appears to be only a carrier).

This is not one of Santa's better pop-culture representations. But, remember, this story isn't about Santa, it's about Rudolph. And Sam the Snowman (voice of Burl Ives) is giving you his perception of what happened. Sam might be an unreliable narrator.

Also, if you ever hear Dean Martin's version, you might note that both the singer and the subject are known for having a red nose, albeit with very different causes.

Run, Rudolph, Run. (That's the title, while the lyrics say, "Run, run, Rudolph.") The same year that Marks wrote "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," he cranked out "Run, Rudolph, Run," and gave it to Chuck Berry.

Elvis Presley may have been the 1st rocker to record a Christmas song, with "Blue Christmas" the year before; but it was written in 1948, by Billy Hayes and Jay W. Johnson, and was first a hit the next year for country singer Ernest Tubb. Even Elvis' 1957 version hardly sounds like a rock and roll song. In contrast, the Chucker went out of his way to make "Run, Run, Rudolph" sound like a Chuck Berry song, and it works great. That's the (Johnny B.) good news.

The bad news is that the lyrics reinforce gender stereotypes. First, we have Santa asking a boy what he wants for Christmas, and he wants a guitar. No problem there. Then they have Santa asking a girl what she wants, and she wants a doll. In the Ike Age, this didn't raise too many hackles. Now, it does.

In 2006, Whitney Wolanin, then just 16 years old, recorded a new version, with the genders reversed: The girl wants the guitar, and the boy wants the doll.

Santa Baby. Ah, the joy of Christmas, where everybody wants something. Usually several somethings. As Kanye West would have said, back when he said nothing more offensive than this, "Now, I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... "

But this song is also problematic on a practical level. A '54 convertible? Cars were huge in the Fifties. A yacht? A duplex? The ring could fit, the deed to the platinum mine could be folded up, but how exactly is Santa gonna get all that expensive loot into her stocking? He’s magic, the stocking is not! Okay, she does ask Santa to "slip a sable under the tree for me." I just got carried away, thinking Santa is only responsible for the stuff in the stockings.

Then again, considering the 1953 original, written by Joan Javits and Philip Springer, was sung by Eartha Kitt, maybe it's a long, slinky nylon stocking. As Bill Maher (on whose former show Politically Incorrect she guested a few times) would say, "Easy, Catwoman!"

To make matters worse, Eartha ended up dying on a Christmas Day, in 2008. James Brown, who recorded an album called Funky Christmas, also died on December 25, 2 years earlier. And the aforementioned Dean Martin died on December 25, 1994.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Written by J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie in 1934, this is another one for whom the best known version is by Gene Autry, in 1947, probably as a follow-up to a song Autry wrote and sang the year before, "Here Comes Santa Claus."

The Four Seasons had a hit with it in 1963, with lead singer Frankie Valli breaking into falsetto as he usually did. The same year, The Crystals sang it on the Phil Spector album, with 2 extra shouts of "San... ta Claus is comin' to town!" Bruce Springsteen would sort-of copy this version in 1978. Ray Charles did a soulful version in 1985. But the Autry version is still the most familiar.

This is probably the most oft-cited problematic Christmas song, because of the line, "He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake." Uh-oh, this makes Santa sound like something out of a George Orwell novel: "Big Brother is watching you."

Silver Bells. Jay Livingston and Ray Evans wrote it for the 1951 film The Lemon Drop Kid, where it was sung by bob Hope and Marilyn Maxwell. They had originally called it "Tinkle Bells," until Jay's wife said, "Are you out of your mind? Do you know what the word 'tinkle' is?"

With the title fixed, there's nothing wrong with this one, as far as I can tell. In fact, it's my favorite secular Christmas song. But there's one version of it that's not... quite... right. I'm sorry, but Wilson Pickett? The Wicked Pickett should not have been recording Christmas songs! It would have been like asking Karen Carpenter to sing "In the Midnight Hour"! (Then again, she did cover "Please Mr. Postman.")

And how neat -- and weird -- was it in December 2010, on Saturday Night Live, to hear Jeff Bridges, not known as a singer (though he and brother Beau did play pianists in The Fabulous Baker Boys), duet on this song with Cookie Monster of Sesame Street?

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime. Former Beatle Paul McCartney wrote this in 1979. How is it that his former musical partner, John Lennon, who dared to "Imagine there's no heaven... and no religion, too" – not that he was saying there was no God or Heaven, just asking us to imagine a world where people had "nothing to kill or die for" – wrote such a fantastic Christmas song, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)," in 1971? While Paul, one of the world's greatest songwriters and one of its greatest sentimentalists, facing that most sentimental of holidays, wrote such a weak one?

Step Into Christmas. Elton John contributed this one to the Christmas canon in 1973. It's mostly standard stuff, but there's one red flag: "We can watch the snow fall forever and ever." For a few minutes, sure. For a few hours, maybe. But forever and ever? I don't think so!

(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays. Every place in this country has people trying to get back there for Christmas, because it's "home" to them. I have no issue with that. This song, written by Robert Allen and Al Stillman, and first done in 1954 by Perry Como, first mentions that the man trying to get home to Pennsylvania (Como's home State), is starting out (or, perhaps, stopping along the way) in Tennessee. No problem there, either.

But then he mentions people going "to Dixie's sunny shore." Even if you're not bothered by this glorification of the South (and I am), it doesn't fit with the whole "Christmas as Winter Wonderland" idea.

Also, when he sings, "From Atlantic to Pacific, gee, the traffic is terrific," whether he realizes it or not, he's using "terrific" in the original sense: Inspiring terror. If you've ever done Christmas shopping in Bergen County, New Jersey, where stores aren't permitted to open on Sundays, on the last Saturday before Christmas, you will understand. Christmas-shopping traffic and Christmas-travel traffic are not "terrific" as in "wonderful" or "jolly."

The Twelve Days of Christmas. The earliest known version of this one was published in 1780. As someone pointed out to me, this is the "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" of Christmas songs.

First of all, where did your true love get all that stuff? Second of all, where are you going to put it all? I mentioned George Carlin before, but I wonder if he ever incorporated this song into his bit "A Place For My Stuff."

A partridge, 2 doves, 3 hens, 4 calling birds, 6 geese, 7 swans? That's a lot of birds. Think of the mess! Five golden rings? I can see getting one, but 5? One for each finger on the hand? That doesn't make any sense, unless the singer is Elvis, Liberace, or Elton John. Or maybe Pink, or Pauley Perrette in character as Dr. Abby Sciuto of NCIS.

Six geese a-laying? Who uses goose eggs? Maybe one of the geese is "the goose that lays the golden egg." Eight maids a-milking? Maybe she already has 8 cows, but this is not specified in the song. Without cows, the milkmaids will have nothing to do.

Nine ladies dancing, ten lords a-leaping, eleven pipers piping, twelve drummers drumming? I hope they're all rented, because I can't imagine having them around every day, especially if none of them does anything else. Maybe one of the dancing ladies is also one of the milkmaids, and one of the leaping lords is also a piper or a drummer.

Also, what's so special about a partridge, in that it's the centerpiece of the song? I looked it up: In Greek mythology, in a fit of jealous rage, Daedalus threw his nephew Perdix off a hill, and the gods turned him into the bird in question. Hence, a partridge makes his nest in a tree that's not too high off the ground, like a pear tree. In French, the bird is a "perdrix," pronounced "pair-DREE," which may have confused an Englishman.

But that still doesn't explain what any of these varieties of bird has to do with Christmas. The only explanation I can think of for any of them is that a goose is the traditional bird to serve as Christmas dinner in England. After all, you don't need all 6 geese still alive to lay the eggs.

There's also a theory that "five gold rings," which became "five golden rings" in America, was originally "five goldspinks," another name for a five-ringed pheasant. If true, it would explain why 6 of the 1st 7 were game birds common to England, but 1 wasn't: Actually, all 7 were game birds, usable as food; while the 8th gift was the maids a-milking, also providing food; and the last 4 were all entertainers. Also, the "calling birds" may originally have been "colly birds," meaning "coal black."

Up On the House Top. "First comes the stocking of little Will. Oh, just see, what a glorious fill. Give him a hammer and lots of tacks. Also a ball, and a whip that cracks."

Huh? Either the songwriter, Benjamin Hanby in 1864, just threw together a few words that rhyme, without thinking about how they would sound; or Santa has his priorities way out of whack; or little Will is into, uh, things that are too risqué to mention on Christmas. Maybe he's not so little.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas. This one's source is unknown, but the familiar arrangement dates to Arthur Warrell, for the University of Bristol Madrigal Singers in 1935.

The 2nd verse begins, "Now, bring us some figgy pudding." Have you ever eaten figgy pudding? Have you ever even seen figgy pudding? Until November 23, 2016, neither had I.

But, that day, on the way down to our Thanksgiving weekend getaway in Ocean City, Maryland, we stopped off in the Philadelphia suburb of Haddonfield, New Jersey. Across the street from the British Chip Shop, producer of fabulous pub food, there is a store owned by the same people, the English Gardener Gift Shop, which sells British- (English, Scottish and Welsh) and Irish-themed items, including products normally available only over there, like Walker's crisps (what we, not they, would call "chips"), Branston pickle (a chutney), and Irn Bru (a Scottish variation on orange soda).

Among the British delicacies they sell is, yes, figgy pudding -- which, like Yorkshire pudding, black pudding, white pudding, plum pudding and even blood pudding, is basically what the British call a fruitcake. None of them resemble what we might call chocolate, rice or tapioca pudding.

The 4th and final verse says, "We won't go until we get some." Where is a family that doesn't have any figgy pudding gonna go to get some on Christmas Eve (or Day)? If there's a Jewish deli open (which once saved my mother when she needed wild rice for Christmas dinner), something tells me they're not going to have figgy pudding, either. Is it even Kosher?

What's more, the person being sung to could easily say, "This is my house, and when I say you go, you go. Don't make me break out my Ralphie Red Ryder BB gun."

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Even the songs that are about the original Christmas – the Christ Mass – don't always make sense. Again, I'll do these in alphabetical order.

Ding, Dong, Merrily On High. This is another new entry for me. George Ratcliffe Woodward wrote this 100 years ago, in 1924. It contains the words, "Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!" This is reminiscent of "Angels We Have Heard On High," with its refrain of "Gloria in excelsis Deo!" (Glory to God in the highest.) "Hosanna" is a reference to saving, thus to Jesus as "Savior."

Like "Angels We Have Heard On High," the "Gloria" is dragged out, with notes too high for most people to sing. Did we really need a second song like that?

Someone also pointed out that the grammar was wrong: Instead of "Hosanna in excelsis," it should be "In excelsis Hosanna."

Do You Hear What I Hear? Léon Schlienger, perhaps getting into the Christmas spirit by writing as "Noël Regney," wrote the lyrics, and Gloria Shayne the music, in 1962, in response to the Cuban Missile Crisis, leading to the king in the song, asking, "Pray for peace, people everywhere."

Ignore for a moment that "Do you hear what I hear?" is from the 2nd verse, thus the title should be "Do You See What I See?" Ignore also, as previously stated, the likelihood (based on Scripture itself) that Jesus was not born in Winter, on December 25 or otherwise.

In the 3rd verse, the shepherd boy says, "In your palace warm, mighty king, do you know what I know? A child, a child shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold." This is the Christmas song that gets my mother upset: She points out that, if the child is shivering in the cold, forget the precious metals, bring him (and his parents) something more precious: Blankets. One would think that the shepherd boy, himself almost certainly poor, would figure that out.

And how did the boy get into the king's palace, anyway? Not that I want to take the king's side against a poor shepherd boy, but I would like to know. Maybe, like King David started out as, the boy was a crafty little shepherd who found a way around a seemingly impossible situation.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and...

Good Christian Men, Rejoice. The former dates to the 1650s, with the author unknown. The latter is even older, going back to 1328, probably written by a German monk, Heinrich Seuse. Should these songs be gender-neutral? It's hard to do it for the former, unless you (or, should I say, "ye") want to make it, in the song's rhythm, "God rest ye merry gentlefolk" or "God rest ye merry Chris-ti-ans."

As for the latter, some have tried to make it "Good Christian Friends, Rejoice." It's fairer, but it just... doesn't... sound right. A similar effort is occasionally made to change a lyric in the Canadian National Anthem, "O Canada": "True patriot love in all thy sons command" becomes "...in all of us command."

Jewish comedian Allan Sherman turned "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" into "God Rest Ye, Jerry Mandelbaum," a song about a traveling salesman.

Good King Wenceslas. This song was written in 1853, with lyrics by John Mason Neale and music by Thomas Helmore. While the song is certainly telling of genuine Christian behavior on the part of its subject, has nothing to do with Christmas. In fact, it takes place the next day: December 26, in addition to Boxing Day in the British Commonwealth, is St. Stephen's Day, the anniversary of the death of an early Christian martyr, and thus his "feast day" -- hence, "Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen."

There was a real Wenceslas, not quite a king, but Duke of Bohemia, born 907, died 935, assassinated by his brother (and, judging by his nickname, his total opposite), Boleslav the Cruel. And Wenceslas, too, has been declared a Saint, and is the patron saint of Bohemia, which is now in the Czech Republic.

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. John Wesley, the founder of what became the United Methodist Church, and his brother, Charles Wesley, were prodigious writers of hymns. John gets most of the remembrance, but Charles is the one who got one of his hymns into the "canon" of Christmas carols, adapting a melody by Felix Mendelssohn and publishing it in 1739.

Aside from being the only time most of us ever heard the archaic word "hark," meaning "listen," the only problem with this one is that some notes are really hard to reach. 

I Saw Three Ships. This is a new entry, not in any previous edition. It was first published in 1833, but could be as much as 200 years older. The singers says he saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day in the morning. He asks what was in those ships, and provides the answer: "Our Saviour Christ and His Lady." No, not Mary Magdalene, but Mary, his mother. Then he asks where those ships were sailing, and provides the answer: "O they sailed into Bethlehem."

Yeah, not gonna happen, unless it's another one of Jesus' miracles. The nearest body of water is 20 miles to the east of the modern Church of the Nativity, and it's the salt-filled Dead Sea. The Mediterranean Sea is 46 miles to the west.

Joy to the World. With lyrics written in 1719 by Isaac Watts, and later set to a melody written by George Frideric Handel, there isn't much wrong with this one. But it shares a title with a song that country singer Hoyt Axton wrote, and which the band Three Dog Night took to Number 1 in 1971. Axton has died, but just about everybody from 3DN is still alive. I'd like to hear them sing the carol of the same title, just for the novelty.

The Little Drummer Boy. Katherine Kennicott Davis wrote this in 1941, and is best remembered by the 1958 hit rendition by The Harry Simeone Chorale. "The ox and ass kept time." Sometimes it's sung as, "The ox and lamb kept time," in case you don’t want to use the word "ass" around kids, even to mean "donkey."

You know, call me a relic, call me what you will, say I'm old-fashioned, say I’m over the hill... but the drummer is the one who's supposed to keep time! Why does the little drummer boy need the ox and ass (or lamb) to do it for him? I know, he's just a kid, and he's certainly not responsible for the lyric, he's just telling the story. But this is another dumb one.

O Little Town of Bethlehem. Written in 1868 by Phillips Brooks. "The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight." Oh, really? Doesn't the Gospel have the angel saying to the shepherds, "Fear not"? Maybe the fears of all the years are dispelled in Bethlehem, but the point (or part of it) was that, with the birth of this child, there was less to fear.

Silent Night. Written for a Christmas pageant in Oberndorf, Austria, outside Mozart's hometown of Salzburg, in 1818, with lyrics by a priest named Joseph Mohr, and music by his choir director Franz Xaver Gruber.

The entire song suggests that it was quiet and peaceful when Jesus was born. But the Gospels make no mention of whether Mary screamed over labor pains, or whether baby Jesus cried. The Rosary Prayer, the "Hail Mary," states, "Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb" -- suggesting that both "yon virgin mother and child" may have been granted holy exemptions to the usual pains each would suffer at birth.

We Three Kings. An American minister named John Henry Hopkins Jr. wrote this in 1857. "Star of wonder, star of night." Great phrase, but there are no "stars of day."

Yes, there is such a thing as "the morning star," but that's usually the planet Venus. There are people who believe that the Star of Bethlehem could only have been a "conjunction" of at least two planets (probably Venus and either Mars or Jupiter), looking like one big, very bright star. And, at the time of the birth of Christ, it might not have been known that these planets which looked like stars weren't actually stars. Even a king might not have known that. It's also been suggested that it was a particularly bright comet.

Ah, but the "three kings" were never actually called kings in the Gospels. They were, however, called "wise men" in The Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 2. But even their number isn't divulged: It's presumed that there were 3, since there were 3 gifts that they presented: Gold, frankincense and myrrh. One man, one gift? That seems reasonable, but neither the Gospel nor the song specifically says that. They have also been called "magi," which suggests magic, and led to the title of O. Henry's Christmas story, "The Gift of the Magi."

They have often been called scientists, astronomers or astrologers. If they were any of those things, and the Star of Bethlehem was a planetary conjunction, or a comet, then they would have known that. But, as far as modern humanity knows, none of them wrote their observations down. We don't even know their names, although modern retellings of the First Christmas story have assigned them names, which may or may not be historically plausible: Gaspard, provider of gold; Melchior, provider of frankincense; and Balthazar, provider of myrrh.

One of those modern retellings is Amahl and the Night Visitors, the 1st opera ever composed specifically for television, by Gian Carlo Menotti, airing on NBC on Christmas Eve, December 24, 1951. It was the premiere of the series Hallmark Hall of Fame -- and, at just 45 minutes, was the first "Hallmark Christmas Movie." It didn't follow any of the tropes of the modern Hallmark holiday-season romantic comedies, but, by the strictest of definitions, it counts.

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Timeline of Christmas Songs

1328 Good Christian Men, Rejoice

1650 God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

1719 Joy to the World

1739 Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

1780 The Twelve Days of Christmas

1788 Auld Lang Syne

1818 Silent Night

1833 I Saw Three Ships

1853 Good King Wenceslas

1857 Jingle Bells

1857 We Three Kings

1862 Deck the Halls

1864 Up On the House Top

1868 O, Little Town of Bethlehem

1917 The Bells of St. Mary's

1924 Ding, Dong, Merrily On High

1934 Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

1934 Winter Wonderland

1935 We Wish You a Merry Christmas

1937 I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm

1941 The Little Drummer Boy

1943 I’ll Be Home for Christmas

1944 Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

1945 Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

1946 The Christmas Song

1946 Here Comes Santa Claus

1948 Sleigh Ride

1948 Blue Christmas

1949 Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

1949 A Marshmallow World

1950 Frosty the Snowman

1951 Silver Bells

1951 It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

1952 I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

1953 Santa Baby

1954 (There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays

1957 Jingle Bell Rock

1958 Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

1958 Run, Rudolph, Run

1959 My Favorite Things

1962 Do You Hear What I Hear?

1963 It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

1963 Little Saint Nick

1963 Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

1964 A Holly Jolly Christmas

1970 Feliz Navidad

1971 Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

1973 Step Into Christmas

1973 I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

1979 Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

1979 Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime

1984 Another Rock and Roll Christmas

1984 Last Christmas

1987 Fairytale of New York

1994 All I Want for Christmas Is You

2000 The Christmas Shoes

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Oh well. Regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, economic status, gender, your partner's gender, politics or even what teams you root for... for discrimination is the biggest humbug of them all...

May your days be merry and bright. Be good, for goodness' sake. God bless us, every one. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Sleep in heavenly peace.