Rangers Suck! Baseball Edition

Aside from the prospective Mrs. Derek Jeter (it's been rumored that he and Minka Kelly will get married in November) being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine (this after last year's was Kate Beckinsale -- or, as I like to call her, the Triple-A version of Catherine Zeta-Jones), the big news is that, after a 6-day layoff -- long layoffs between postseason rounds are usually not good, teams can get stale -- baseball resumes tonight.

The Yankees play Game 1 against the Texas Rangers at Give Us a Lot of Money and We'll Name Our Stadium After You Park in Arlington.

As a fan of both the Yankees and the New Jersey Devils, I was once dismayed going to a Yankee game on a night in April (I forget the year) when the New York Rangers were playing a Playoff game the same night. The hockey score was put up on the DiamondVision (RinkVision?), and about 30,000 Yankee Fans started chanting, "Let's go Rangers!" (My fingers hurt just typing those blasphemous words!)

Take a wild guess what baseball team the Yankees were playing that night. Of course, the Texas Rangers.

This was worse than the time Jesse Barfield was batting for the Yankees against Jesse Orosco, then with the Cleveland Indians, and I shouted, "Come on, Jesse!" (I think that was in 1990.)

Well, in baseball, as in hockey... RANGERS SUCK! Not to mention... DALLAS SUCKS!

Game 1, tonight, 8:00 PM Eastern Time, in Texas: CC Sabathia vs. C.J. Wilson. That's a lot of initials. The Home News Tribune, my local paper here in Middlesex County, New Jersey, calls Wilson a protege of Cliff Lee. So what? Sabathia is a better pitcher than Wilson, or Lee, or anybody the Rangers have ever had. Yes, even Ferguson Jenkins. Nolan Ryan? Please, he was 42 when he became a Ranger, and he was never better than CC even when he was an Angel or an Astro. Yankees win tonight.

Game 2, tomorrow, 4:00 PM, in Texas: Phil Hughes vs. Colby Lewis. Colby Lewis? Isn't that a liberal arts college in New England? Against Hughes, already a postseason veteran at age 24? Yankees win, go up 2 games to 0.

Game 3, Monday, 8:00 PM, at Yankee Stadium II: Andy Pettitte vs. Cliff Lee. Lee is 12-9 with a 3.18 ERA. Andy is 11-3 with a 3.28 ERA, and due to his injury he got some rest. Sure, Lee was the winning pitcher in both Yankee losses in last year's World Series, but unless he's willing to go 9, and even if he is, why should they be afraid of him? It's not like he's going to throw at their heads (or hands) on purpose like some other Yankee nemeses I could mention. And Andy is the winningest postseason pitcher ever. He's outdueled better pitchers than Lee. Yankees win, go up 3 games to 0.

Game 4, Tuesday, 8:00 PM, at Yankee Stadium II: A.J. Burnett vs. Tommy Hunter. That's Tommy, not Catfish, may the great man rest in peace. I may be a sick, twisted, demented Yankee Fan, but I'm not stupid. This is not A.J.'s year. Rangers win, Yankees still lead 3 games to 1.

Game 5, Wednesday, 4:00 PM, at Yankee Stadium II: Sabathia vs. Wilson. Ballgame over, American League Championship Series over, Yankees win, theeee Yankees win.

If it goes to a Game 6, that's a week from tonight, 8:00 PM, in Texas: Hughes vs. Lewis.

If it goes to a Game 7, that's a week from tomorrow, 8:00 PM, in Texas: Pettitte vs. Lee. But it won't go to a Game 7, or a Game 6. Yanks in 5.

I hate all teams called Rangers. Especially when they wear blue shirts. Hockey in New York. Baseball in Texas. Soccer in Glasgow. (Or West London, for that matter.)

One more time: RANGERS SUCK!

The only Ranger with a blue shirt who doesn't suck is the Lone Ranger.