To the tune of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio, although, in terms of lyrical style, it probably owes more to "Weird Al" Yankovic's parody, "Amish Paradise."
As I walk through the valley of the Raritan
I take a look at my life and realize this wasn't planned.
But that's just perfect for us Jersey Guys
because it taught us all how to improvise.
Woke up this morning at 6:30, grab my keys.
Have breakfast at the deli: Pork roll, egg and cheese.
I've been waiting on this platform for the train so long
that even my Ma thinks my mind is gone!
But still, at 9, I’m in there, ready for work
for a totally insufferable jerk-fool!
I'm the kinda guy the office trainees wanna be like
in their studio apartments, sayin' prayers for 'burb life!
Been spending most our lives
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Learn how to improvise
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Eat pork roll by the slice
living in a Jersey Paradise.
It's just an option to be nice
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Work is done, I take the Subway back to Penn Station.
The trains backed up, leading to commuter consternation.
My briefcase is so packed, on me the boss was chunkin'.
But at least I got myself an iced latte from Dunkin.
Finally get home, resume my life.
On the table is McDonald's, bought by the wife.
She's a real estate agent, Jersey keeps her in commission
I gotta keep her pleased, 'cause I know what I was missin'!
The lawn mower's broken, the snowblower, too
and I ain't had the gutters cleaned since 2002!
She takes the Subaru to the Home Goods store.
Where she'll put all the stuff she buys there, I just don't know.
Tell me why are we stuck on Route 3?
Is it more construction or the return of Chris Christie?
Been spending most our lives
living in a Jersey Paradise.
It takes some sacrifice
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Atlantic City's our vice
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Leave up our Christmas lights
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Shopping malls are crowded, traffic is a bummer.
We still get to go down the Shore in the Summer!
The Devils gave us three Stanley Cups in hockey.
So who needs New York's Warriors or Philadelphia's Rocky?
They say I gotta learn, but nothing they can teach me
is worth doing things that would make the cops reach me!
I guess they can't, but I wish they would all
give tickets to cars taking up two spaces at the mall, fool!
Been spending most our lives
living in a Jersey Paradise.
We pay the ShopRite price
living in a Jersey Paradise.
No pineapple on pies
living in a Jersey Paradise.
We’re all standup guys
living in a Jersey Paradise.
Tell me why are we stuck on Route 3?
Someone made a wrong turn into Cheesecake Factory!
Tell me why are we stuck on Route 3?
Somebody ticked off the wrong "family"!
*
Days until the next Arsenal match: 5, at 10:00 AM Eastern Time this Saturday, a Premier League match, away to Leicester City. The Arsenal remain top of the League, although Manchester City have closed the gap.
Days until the New Jersey Devils again play a local rival: 5, at 7:30 PM this Saturday, home to the Philadelphia Flyers.
Days until the next New York Red Bulls game: 5, at 7:30 PM this Saturday, away to Orlando City.
Days until the next game of the U.S. National Soccer Team: 32, on Friday, March 24, at 8:00 PM New York time, in the CONCACAF Nations League, away to Grenada.
Days until the Yankees' Opening Day: 38, on Thursday, March 30, home to the San Francisco Giants. This will be the 1st Yankee game to be both an Opening Day and an Interleague game. Under 3 months.
Days until the Red Bulls again play a nearby rival: 70, on Saturday, May 6, home to the Philadelphia Union.
Days until the Yankees' next series against the Boston Red Sox begins: 109, on Friday, June 9, 2023, at Yankee Stadium II. Under 4 months.
Days until the next Women's World Cup opens: 140, on Friday, July 10, 2023, jointly held in the neighboring nations of Australia and New Zealand. Under 5 months.
Days until the next North London Derby: Unknown. Arsenal have won both League games with Tottenham Hotspur, and will not face "Spurs" in any other competition this season. The 2023-24 Premier League season will begin on Saturday, August 12, which would be 173 days. But the season never begins with any derby matches, so it will probably be at least 1 week later.
Days until the next East Brunswick High School football game: Unknown, since we won't know the 2023 schedule for months. It could be as soon as Friday, September 1, which would be 193 days. A little over 6 months.
Days until the next East Brunswick-Old Bridge game: Also unknown. It could be the season opener. At least, after this year's game was at the purple shit pit on Route 9, next year's game will be at home.
Days until the next Rutgers University football game: 194, on Saturday, September 2, home to Northwestern. A little over 6 months.
Days until the next Rutgers-Penn State football game: 271, on Saturday, November 18, 2023, at a time to be determined, at Beaver Stadium in State College, Pennsylvania. Under 9 months.
Days until the next Summer Olympic Games: 522, on Friday, July 26, 2024, in Paris, France. A little under a year and a half, or a little over 17 months.
Days until the next Presidential election: 624, on Tuesday, November 5, 2024. Under 2 years, or under 21 months.
Days until the next elections for Governor of New Jersey and Mayor of New York City: 988, on Tuesday, November 4, 2025. Under 3 years.
Days until the next Winter Olympics open in Milan, Italy: 1,082, on Friday, February 6, 2026. A little under 3 years.
Days until the next World Cup opens: 1,204, on Monday, June 8, 2026. Under 3 1/2 years.
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