"Relax, Mike"

Today, barring a massive bureaucratic screwup -- or, God forbid, a "mass casualty event" in or near New Brunswick, New Jersey that requires all available doctors to abandon their current schedules -- I will undergo hip replacement surgery, correcting a birth defect that has caused me more pain than I would wish on anybody, with the possible exception of dictators, like Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell.

Within a few weeks, I should be able to walk unaided, and with far less pain than I have now.

There is, of course, the possibility that something could go horribly wrong. But I'm told that this is one of the safest surgeries there is.

I'm reminded of the words of basketball legend Bill Walton, who knows all too well: "Minor surgery is what they do to somebody else."

Naturally, the reaction is to say, "Relax, Mike."

Saying that is the easiest way to make me unrelaxed. Because I've heard it so many times before:

* Relax, Mike, this won't hurt a bit.

* Relax, Mike, I know what I'm doing.

* Relax, Mike, I've done this a million times.

* Relax, Mike, I know this guy, we can trust him.

* Relax, Mike, it's a sure thing.

* Relax, Mike, this won't cost you a dime.

* Relax, Mike, it's perfectly legal.

* Relax, Mike, I know a shortcut.

* Relax, Mike, nobody else knows about this.

* Relax, Mike, they're not gonna run out before we get there.

* Relax, Mike, (some celebrity) uses it, so it's gotta be a good (product).

* Relax, Mike, all the reviews say this movie is great.

* Relax, Mike, it's not that spicy.

* Relax, Mike, the Yankees have this game in the bag.

* Relax, Mike, she's got a great personality.

* Relax, Mike, Bush (later Trump) can't possibly be that bad.

How relaxed are you?

So, I should be okay. Based on what I've been told, I might actually be more okay than I've ever been. But if this turns out to be my last post ever, you'll know why.

I'm 99 percent sure I'll be back. Probably not tomorrow, maybe not the next day. But if I go, say, a week without posting anything, that's when you should stop relaxing.

*

Days until Arsenal play again: 1, tomorrow, at 3:00 PM New York time, in UEFA Europa League action, away to Olympiacos in Athens, Greece.

Days until the next Primary or Caucus: 3, the Saturday, the Nevada Caucus. Next up, the following Saturday, the South Carolina Primary.

Days until the New York Red Bulls play again: 11, on Sunday, March 1, at 1:00 PM, home to FC Cincinnati. Under 4 weeks.

Days until the New Jersey Devils next play a local rival: 17, on Saturday night, March 7, against the New York Rangers, a.k.a. The Scum, at Madison Square Garden. The next game against the New York Islanders will be on Saturday night, March 21, at the Prudential Center. The next game against the Philadelphia Flyers will be on Saturday afternoon, March 28, at the Prudential Center.

Days until the Yankees' 2020 Opening Day: 36, at 1:00 on Thursday, March 26, away to the Baltimore Orioles. A little over 5 weeks. And now, it feels as though we can look forward to it.

Days until the U.S. national soccer team plays again: 36, at 3:45 PM New York time on March 26, 2020, against the Netherlands, at Philips Stadion in Eindhoven, home of PSV Eindhoven.

Days until the Yankees' 2020 home opener: 43, on Thursday, April 2, against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Days until the Red Bulls next play a "derby": 59, on Saturday, April 18, at 1:00 PM, against the New England Revolution, at Red Bull Arena. On Sunday, April 26, at 3:00 PM, they will play D.C. United, at Audi Field in Washington. On Sunday, May 31, at 3:00 PM, they will play New York City FC, at Yankee Stadium II. And on Saturday, June 6, at 6:00 PM, they will play the Philadelphia Union, at Red Bull Arena.

Days until the next North London Derby: 66, on Saturday, April 25, Arsenal's 1st visit to the new Tottenham Stadium, adjacent to the site of the previous White Hart Lane. A little over 9 weeks. It is currently scheduled to be on the 16th Anniversary of the 2nd time that Arsenal won the League at White Hart Lane -- but also the last time Arsenal won the League anywhere. Of course, for TV reasons, the game could be moved to another date, probably the next day.

Days until the next Yankees-Red Sox series begins: 79, on May 8, 2020, at Yankee Stadium II. A little over 11 weeks.


Days until Euro 2020 begins, a tournament being held all over Europe instead of in a single host nation: 114, on Friday, June 12, 2020. Under 4 months.

Days until the next Summer Olympics begins in Tokyo, Japan: 156, on July 24, 2020. A little over 5 months.

Days until East Brunswick High School plays football again: 198, on Friday night, September 4, against arch-rival Old Bridge, at the purple shit pit on Route 9. Under 7 months.

Days until the next East Brunswick-Old Bridge football game: See the previous answer.

Days until Rutgers University plays football again: 199, on Saturday, September 5, at noon, home to Monmouth University, a Football Championship Subdivision School in West Long Branch, Monmouth County, New Jersey. In other words, if they don't win this game overwhelmingly, especially now that Greg Schiano is back as head coach, it will look very, very bad.

Days until the next Presidential election, when we can dump the Trump-Pence regime and elect a real Administration: 258, on November 3, 2020. Under 9 months.

Days until the next Rutgers-Penn State football game: 283, on Saturday, November 28, at home. A little over 9 months.

Days until a fully-Democratic-controlled Congress can convene, and the Republicans can do nothing about it: 319, on January 3, 2021. Under 11 months.

Days until Liberation Day: 336, at noon on January 20, 2021. A little over 11 months. Note that this is liberation from the Republican Party, not just from Donald Trump. Having Mike Pence as President wouldn't be better, just differently bad, mixing theocracy with plutocracy, rather than mixing kleptocracy with plutocracy.

Days until Alex Rodriguez and David Ortiz become eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame: 692, on January 11, 2022. Under 2 years, or under 22 months. We will then find out if it's okay for a Red Sox steroid cheat to be in the Hall, but not for a Yankee steroid cheat.

Days until the next Winter Olympics begins in Beijing, China: 716, on February 4, 2022. Under 2 years, or under 24 months.

Days until the next World Cup is scheduled to kick off in Qatar: 1,006, on November 21, 2022, in Qatar. Under 3 years, or a little over 33 months.

Days until the next Women's World Cup is scheduled to kick off: As yet unknown, but space on the international women's soccer calendar has been cleared for July 10 to August 20, 2023. So if July 10 is the tournament's starting date, that would be 1,237 days, a little under 3 1/2 years, or under 41 months. A host nation is expected to be chosen on March 20. Bids have been put in by Brazil (South America has never hosted), Colombia (ditto), Japan (Asia last hosted in 2007), and a joint bid by Australia and New Zealand (Oceania has never hosted).