Lefty Beats Tomcat

I hate golf, but I'm glad Phil Mickelson won the Masters. I just hope that, with all that he and his family have gone through, Sports Illustrated does not make him its Sportsman of the Year. They'd have to put his entire family on the cover with him, and they do NOT need The Dreaded SI Cover Jinx.

So, Tomcat Woods... Did you learn anything?

I wonder if the right-wingers, with their hypocritical braying about "family values," will use the white family man Phil Mickelson as an example of a "good American," and the black/multi-racial/foreign mother/cheating-on-his-wife Tiger Woods as an example of a "bad American."

I hope they do. Because it means they'll be cheering a man whose nickname is "Lefty," and then they'll really look like a bunch of morons. Because they've done things even worse than what Tiger has done, from cheating on Elin to desecrating his own father's memory with that commercial. Tiger has hurt people, a lot of people, but he hasn't hurt this country the way the wingnuts have.

In the Daily News this weekend, both Bill Gallo and Mike Lupica ripped Tiger for comparing his comeback to that of Ben Hogan, whose car was hit by a Greyhound bus in 1949, then he came back and won the Masters in 1951.

As Gallo, who actually knew Hogan, put it, they had one thing in common: Both were driving Cadillacs when they crashed.

Hogan threw himself in front of his wife to save her life from a bus. Woods repeatedly "threw his wife under the bus."

Imagine... Elin finds out just how bad it was, and she says, "That's it. I'm sick of you sucking up to your sponsors. Time to make a choice, big shot. Dump Nike and Gatorade, or I walk, and take you for half your dough. Either they go, or I go."

Make him choose between her, or his sponsors. Would he say, "Okay, honey, you're right. I'll call my lawyer, and we'll sever the connections in the morning."

Or would he say, "Here's your Samsonite, bitch, what's your hurry?"

If he chooses the former, we'd know that he actually had learned something. And that he actually was sorry.

I wouldn't bet his winnings, or even a plugged nickel, on that, though.

*

So the Yankees won another one yesterday, beating Tampa Bay again. Tonight is their "welcome home dinner," and tomorrow, they host the Angels in their home opener, raising their 27th World Championship banner, and giving out their World Series rings -- including one to Angels DH, last year's World Series MVP, Hideki Matsui. I hope he gets a huge standing ovation.

Seeing the photos of Yankee Stadium, the one I knew, demolished, is heartbreaking. But seeing the footage of Texas Stadium being imploded, I love it.

The Hole Bowl. A stadium with a hole in its head, and fans to match. Cowboy fans liked to say that Texas Stadium had a hole in the roof "so God could look down on his favorite team."

A, The Green Bay Packers only made occasional visits to that dump.

B, If God is such a Cowboy fan, why have they won fewer NFL Championships than the Packers, the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants? True, they started winning Super Bowls in the 1971-72 season... but the Pittsburgh Steelers, also an old team, have won more Super Bowls in that same span, and the San Francisco 49ers as many in a shorter span. Corollary to B: Newsflash, NFL Championships won before the NFL Campionship Game was called the Super Bowl still count. Just as fans of the British equivalent of the Cowboys, Manchester United, refuse to concede the truth that Football League titles won before it became the Premier League count just as much -- and they should, since their team did win a few of those, particularly in the 1950s and 1960s.

C, If God is such a Cowboy fan, why did He not tell "God's Coach," Tom Landry, to get his drug-addicted, boozing, philandering players off the field and into treatment? And why, then, did He let Jerry Jones buy the team, and hire a corrupt college coach, Jimmy Johnson, and turn Texas Stadium into a bigger Sodom & Gomorrah Southwest than Southfork Ranch ever was?

D, Since when can God not look through a stadium's dome?

Cowboy fans = Idiots. Like Man United fans, like Notre Dame fans, like Penn State fans, they are idiots first, and glory-hunting cunts second.

*

Tonight is the Nets' Meadowlands finale. I have the time, and I have the money. Do I really want to go? On WFAN last night, they were joking about whether 500 people would show up at this wake. I don't know, but the Prudential Center seats 18,500 for basketball, and I'll bet you the price of a ticket that the Nets' 1st game there, next November, will sell out, no matter how bad the team still is.

The Devils won the Atlantic Division again. That's their 11th Division Title, all in the last 13 seasons (14 years, minus the 2004-05 cancelled season, thank you Bettman you goddamned troll).

It should be noted, though, that, of the 3 Stanley Cups the Devils have won, only 1, 2003, came when they also finished 1st in their Divison. They finished 3rd, 5th in the Eastern Conference, in 1995; they finished 2nd, 4th in the East, in 2000. On 9 of the first 10 occasions when they won the Division, they did not win the Cup.

Then again, the Rangers would love to have the Devils' problems, wouldn't they? All they had to do to clinch a Playoff berth was hold a 1-0 lead for 13 more minutes, and they fucked it up.

Good. Means the Broadway Boozehounds are off playing golf (and not as well as Lefty and Tomcat), and the Devils get to play the Philadelphia Flyers in the first round. The last time these teams played was in 2004, when the Flyers embarrassed us. Revenge time. Of course, that's probably what the Flyers thought in 2004, as they avenged their ignominious defeats (do the Flyers have any other kind of defeat?) in the Conference Finals of 1995 (Claude Lemieux vs. Ron Hextall) and 2000 (Scott Stevens vs. Eric Lindros).

WFAN is bubbling with anger from Ranger fans, and Met fans. At least Met fans have another 156 games for their team to possibly get out of this hole. Ranger fans? Hell, they're in a hole no matter what their team does.

I'm not saying that the Rangers suck... then again, it doesn't matter whether or not I say it, does it?

Yeah, I know, that last link is from the Islanders. Well, they have some taste.

You know what, yes, I am saying it: RANGERS SUCK!